thank you etiquette hell

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I could use advice.

Etiquette rules say that when you receive money as a gift in the mail, that you should write a thank you note/card to the sender.

My grandmother recently sent me a Christmas card with a check in it which is a little unusual. She stopped sending me anything a few years ago because we never see each other. My father and I don't make an effort to see her, although, she doesn't make an effort to see us either. When my grandfather got very ill and was dying, he started sending me a check for Christmas. He died a year and a half ago and my father and I haven't seen anyone in the family since the funeral. My grandmother didn't send me anything for Christmas last year.

My parents think I should call my grandmother and thank her for the check. They're more into calling a relative to say thanks than writing a thank you note. Personally, I really dread calling my grandmother. I think she probably wants me to call her and probably even thinks that's the proper way to thank someone. Oddly enough, she doesn't really seem to follow etiquette rules despite acting like she's stuck in the 1800s.

Does anyone have any advice on what I should do? Should I call to say thanks or will a thank you card be ok?

I was just going to get a nice thank you card and write something like this: Thank you so much for the Christmas gift. (Or perhaps - Thank you for your generosity.) It will certainly come in handy for the concert I plan attending this spring. Love, [insert real name here].

The Thank You card is the very least that you should do, and I think that what you have planned to write is perfectly good.

Having said that, a phone call AND the thank you card would be the most courteous option. Who knows why your grandma has sent this money, but it's really not too hard to make a phone call. I'm sure it's uncomfortable to talk with her, but hey, how often do you have to do it? If you only have to call once a year, then that's not too bad. Chalk the call up to doing those thing that you don't like to do, but do anyway -- good practice for the other things that are similar that you don't enjoy.

Kris

Why don`t you want to call her? Grandmothers are generally wise and have lots of life experience, I wish mine was still alive! It`s also possible that she`s lonely since your grandpa died. I would call her; a few minutes of your time could mean a lot to her. And then maybe send a card as well with some photos or something.

My father stopped talking to his family over 10 years ago. I was probably 10-14 years old at the time. Apparently, he didn't like the way they treated him and made him feel. His brothers and father caused a lot of problems for him.

I never really liked anyone from my father's family and I never felt comfortable with them. I remember going to my grandparent's house and not wanting to be there. Or there were plenty of times where I spent the night there and cried myself to sleep because I didn't want to be there and was afraid. The majority of the times I was there, my grandparents barely spoke to me. My grandmother would leave me in front of the TV all day. She rarely came in to play with me or even talk to me. When I became an adult, I started wondering why she did that. I would think most grandparents would want to spend time with their grandchildren. I was (and still am) very shy so I never would've approached her and asked her to play with me.

I don't see any point in talking to my grandmother anymore. I have nothing to say to her, especially since I have no idea how to make conversation. In fact, it's extremely difficult and awkward to talk with her because I have no idea what to say. The only interesting thing she could tell me is how I'm related to a music legend who unfortunately died a long time before I was born. But even then, I'm not sure I could believe everything she says because she's been know to say things that aren't true.

I certainly know she isn't lonely. Her brother lives with her and I'm pretty sure she sees her youngest son and his wife at least once a week. I'm sure she sees many family members on a regular basis. They all seem to be very close.


And I would like to add that I have never felt uncomfortable or scared with my mother's family. In fact, I enjoyed spending time with many of them. My mother tells me that I loved spending time with my great-grandmother and would cry when it was time to leave. I don't know why I'm so uncomfortable with my father's family. Maybe as a child I sensed something and it always stuck with me even thought I didn't know what it was. For example, I didn't find out until I was a teenager that my grandparents used to abuse my father when he was a child. I found out that a lot of bad stuff happened in that family. Maybe I sensed that as a child and it scared me. I don't know.

Your father`s problems shouldn`t influence your own feelings to your grandma. Maybe she is shy as well? Or maybe she was going through a difficult time, but now she wants to make up for it. Remember she`s human, and if you don`t really know her that well, you shouldn`t dismiss her. Since she`s not obligated to give you money, it sounds like she`s making an effort to get closer to you. I would at least give her a chance. If she`s not a talker, maybe you could play board games together or go to a play or something?

Do you not think you need to thank someone for a gift? If not, return the gift.

End of story.

I'd call. It is your family after all. And yeah, it may be uncomfortable, but it will be short and sweet right?

Thanks granny, that was really nice of you. How are you? Things with me are well, well nice talking to you, have a great Holiday.

Call and write a card.

I agree with zee. Also, I never knew any of my grandparents, so I think you should consider yourself lucky to have the chance to interact with your grandmother at all. Some people don't have that, and if you don't take advantage of it now, you will most likely regret it when you're older.

If a phone call is too awkward for you, and you haven't spoken to her for a while, I think a short letter would be suffice. There should be three parts ot your response, but don't worry, it all should be very brief:

1. Say thank you and that you appreciate the gift/her generosity.

2. Then say a little about what's going on with you right now, preferrably something positive, like if you're making good grades in school, or you're planning on college soon (I have no idea how old you are, but whatever's approrpaite for you). It doesn't ahve to be detailed - just a couple of sentences like "Things are going very well in school for me right now, and I'm looking forward to a music concert next week." Nothing big. Yes it's "small talk" but etiquette has a place for small talk. She gave you a gift, and in return you give her something postive to think about in relation to you.

3. Then end it with "I hope things are going well with you too" or something similar to end on a gracious, reciprocal note, followed by "Love, [you first name]". If you want to be open to further correspondence from her, you can say "I hope things are going well with you too. Feel free to write me anytime," but since this gift was unexpected and unsolicited, that is not necessary. Only do that if you wish.

Bare in mind that if this is something she hasn't been doing, yet decided to do it now, she could have a reason for it. She may feel regret about losing touch with you and wants to reconnect. She may in fact be feeling a little lonely, even if she lives with someone (I live with my mom, and I'm lonely a lot of the time). Even if you're not entirely comfortable with talking with her, I don't think you should snub her. You don't know how you'll feel about her next year or 5 years from now, so don't slam the door on her. A small gesture of thanks and reciprocity is all you need to do right now. Thankfully, etiquette and graciousness doesn't require us to commit ourselves in situations where we're aren't comfortable doing so. In fact etiquette helps us keep a "polite" distance when we need it. Look at it this way: writing a short letter like this lets you have you cake and eat it too. You get to thank her and acknowledge her generosity, yet you don't actually have to "involve" yourself with her in a way that's too much for you right now.

it's always nice to call relatives and thank them, especially grandparents, they love to hear from anybody, especially their grandchildren. i do dread calling them, because if they aren't home i get to talk to the answering machine, and i just cant leave a thank you message on one, i never know how to throw all of the information out there in an efficient and concise manner, it just comes off as an awkward mess. even thought its difficult for most of us to talk on the phone, its much more personal and it means much more than a simple thank you note would.

A call would be the best, but a card or letter would be perfectly sufficient if you strongly dislike the idea of the phone call.

Let me add a PS: My grandma died in January 2002. When my aunt went through her stuff, she found letters written to me and my sister that weren't even in an envelope yet. This is BEFORE we'd written her back to say thank-you for the Xmas presents. We'd been putting it off, thinking there was no hurry.
Then when I heard she was dead I regretted not writing her back sooner. It was also eerie and sad to read her last letter; like she was speaking from the grave.

A phone call is hard to make, btw, and it's better to write a thank you card. it's in print and she can look at it.
I don't see any reason to call a person that made you feel unwelcome. And yes, if your father was abused, you have every reason in the world to not like them. Being old doesn't make anyone unaccountable for their actions.