How to speak to NTs in the right way about AS

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I bring this subject up as a sort of warning to others.

I recently had an opportunity to bring up the subject of my AS with an NT I knew who in the past had expressed negativity towards me. It did not go well! The person I spoke to started to squirm and make excuses and said that his negativity was only a reaction to the job (he is a teacher) not me. Also, his body language was telling me that he was really distressed by what I was saying -- probably because he thought he would get in trouble for mistreating a "disabled" person. (In case you wonder, I was always one of a large group when in his company and his negativity was directed at me and no-one else.) I really wanted to speak to him in a friendly way about AS and why he probably reacted to me the way he did in the past but the whole thing went badly wrong. It has also left me feeling more socially inept than ever.

Does anyone have any tips on how to bring up this subject with NTs in a way that is guaranteed not to make them anxious?

More to the case is that he was an arse towards you. And from the sound of things everyone knows it too. So he's probably getting squirms because he thinks everyone is going to have a go at him.

Other than that though, I have no tips or tricks or theoretical advice on how to broach the subject.

It's not easy talking about AS so that the other person (NT) understands, many I have spoken with find it uncomfterable. And if he's a teacher maybe it was good someone sat down and talked to him about it, as he probably is going to enconter a student with AS, ADD or ADHD more then once.

There is no way you can make sure a person does not get stressed about a situaton like this, especialy since he probably realized alot about his own behavior and that to make any person anxious, especially if it's somthing that you have done wrong.

I've had little success. The few people who know that are NTs don't really talk to me anymore. All except my Best Friend who has a son who is AS, thus it is no big deal to her.

People who are not educated about the Autism spectrum only see us as "Rain Man", that is all they know.

When I was young and would confront bullies about why they picked on me, exactly what it was about me that they didn't like, they didn't know. Most people are just responding to subconscious impulses. They know not what they do.

I had a similar experience, except the most often-heard reason was "You were giving me dirty looks." It took me forever to realize that my face, at rest, apparently wears an expression of sufficient intensity that other people very often think I look angry or something. (Deep-set eyes and dark eyebrows just make this worse.) I also read last night that some people with AS are unable to "modulate gaze" - I think this means they stare "too much" at other people, and I really think I probably do this, and did this in school. This would explain why so many kids thought I was trying to start something with them, thought I was staring at them in a nasty way or giving them the "evil eye." I NEVER meant to do this, why would I invite trouble on myself? I constantly had teachers badgering me to "smile honey!" and I think this probably made me go the other way and make sure I NEVER smiled, just to piss them off. But honestly, I just think about a lot of stuff and I'm usually sort of in my own world - I am NOT angry all the time, or even most of the time. I'm just, well..."intense," I guess.

Isn't there anyone here who has sucessfully explained AS to other peale thus leading to succesfull realationships?

This is why I'm afraid I will never tell anyone unless they need to know or ask (and I trust them). That leaves the number to about 4: mother (knows), father (doesn't know), sister (doesn't know), and psychiatrist (knows, obviously). I've told the closest friend I have and she doesn't really care. I don't see her very often, but I tell her everything.

I don't need to scare away the few people who currently hazard a glance at me once in a while....

I've only told a few people. My best mate I told when we were having a girly chocolate/chick-flicks/popcorn evening and gossipping on the sofa like we always do... she was just like "Oh, ok then! Coolies, wish I had something to blame my blondeness on, maybe we can think of a syndrome for that... speaking of Rain Man, that's a brilliant film, let's watch that!"

And my boyfriend I can't remember telling... I think the conversation was probably like "Hey honey, just wanna talk to you about something. You know when I do this, this and this? Well... have you heard of something called Asperger's Syndrome? No? Well, erm... it's like a mild form of autism - you know, Rain Man - but like a waaaaaaaaaaay way way lesser case kinda. Yeah!" and he just kinda went "Oh, ok, I love you!" and that was that. Lol.

Have to love how straight-forward men can be.

So do I! You have a great guy!! !

My whole family knows and all my relatives.
My dad did not want me to talk about it so I told everyone that litsend about it to grate his nerves (funny expression huh?)
It's no big secret with me, I think it gets so much bigger then and more of a burden then somthing positive... Does that make sense?

Well, I've told my husband. We've been married 4 years, so I can't quite call it "leading to a relationship". It was hard to do, but he took it well. He told me he's know I wasn't normal since our first date, and it's one of the things he likes about me. He said he's glad I have a name for what's wrong with me.
I haven't told my family or friends though, might tell my parents eventually. Still deciding on that one.

That's nice.

How could you tell something like that? I would not know how, people would not take me serious ever again, I think...

However, some people notice I am different. One time when I was on a vacation, camping abroad with my family. There was another family and the person asked if I had a certain disorder; and he was quite close to what I know today... And I think some other people suspect that I have something like AS. There are some people that think I am gifted with a high IQ... Well, my IQ is above average, but the 'side effects' are not that nice.

When people get curious about me, sometimes I just tell that I have a defect in my fine motor skills due to a birth defect; than people are most of the time satisfied with my clumsiness. But tell everything I found out so far about myself? If someone would know a way?

Best to explain in a "funny" way to new acquaintances before anything happens.

I tend to let new starters at work know. We have a laugh and then that's that.

Letting an old friend or relative know... that's hard.

Once I also explained it to one as a "mild form of autism", and he thought I said a wild form of autism. Haha.

I'm open about it, don't think it's a secret. I mean, it's not like it's the first I tell people I don't know, but I've found it natural to tell the people I know, and who also know about what I've been through this year with severe depression and so, which led to my diagnosis.
I've not met any negative response about it, nor "compassion" (fortunately!), quite a number of people knew what it was, or else understood an explanation. People rather tend to be glad on my behalf that I know what's special about me (and some even have said that they recognize what I tell them as examples of my "oddities"... )
One once asked me what to do about it. I just answered, it doesn't go away in that sense, but you can learn to cope with difficulties and learn to use the good things about it in a fruitful way. He understood that.

So, people in my family know (they were the first to guess), and my friends and some people at my study, and at the student hostel where I live, and some people at the church I attend.
But many of those are people who have known me for years, and know that I've not suddenly become another because of my diagnosis. So, I've not experienced that people treat me differently for that reason, fortunately.

Regards.
EdnaPenna.

With an NT, how you explain it depends on the person you are explaining it to. It is loaded, definitely. Your teacher? Don’t bother. Go to the school counselor and have them explain. Perhaps provide the counselor with accurate information, not the DSM IV version. Boss? Um, slowly and with information from the internet, a little at a time. Significant other? Slowly, just explain little by little some quirks in a humorous way and after a year of so, tell them that all your quirks add up to AS. If it is a friend, get them drunk and they will only remember bits and pieces.

If you haven’t noticed yet, NTs are uncomfortable with anything nonconformist. Most likely because our first reaction inside is “what if that was me, thank God it’s not”. Example, you see a person in a wheelchair. You may ask what happened. An NT will not even look for fear of what life must be like in a wheelchair. Is that making sense? It’s like a protective shield of some sort. Subconsious. Similar to MrMark explaining that even bullies cannot confront their own personal fears that drive them to bully.

Also, when telling someone this, make sure you let them know how much more effort you have to put into school/work/relationships to make them work, and if at anytime they see something that needs to be done differently, please ask you nicely. Nothing is worse than someone saying “don’t do that”. It’s better to say something like “please stop tapping your fingers, it is distracting my concentration. Here is a pen and paper, can you doodle me a little something instead?”. NTs need to be taught this, most are just rude. I know, they are rude to me and everyone, difference is I do not hyper fours on it. I just figure they are having a bad day and better them than me!