"NT" Social Rules for Christmas with In Laws

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I guess I still don't feel as comfortable with my own family, then. I have to readjust to their lifestyle everytime. It was abrasive while I was growing up and now that they're older and more set, they're worse.
I'm never sure when I'm supposed to be present and polite if they have guests over. My dad started a big fight one time when he thought I was mouthing the words, "I'm bored" to my husband when there was a boorish guest over. I was bored (but didn't say so) and the guy was yammering on, I left the room for a nap. Later on my dad hallucinated the scene and berated me.
I was really confused as to what my responsibility was. If I had stayed in the room, I would have nodded off, which would clearly be rude. He was my dad's guest so I thought it was better to exit.

I also have to really work at pretending to like gifts or to be more enthusiastic when I do like the gifts. When I was younger, I had gifts taken away because I was excited enough.


When I visit with inlaws, I have the added complication that my husband doesn't like them either. He wants to like them, he thinks "this year" they'll treat him (and our son) with respect. Every time he is disappointed. They're rotten.

I think it's harder if your family or in-laws are f***wits. It sounds like you may have that on both sides - my condolences, it must suck. I think to a degree, most people (this goes for NTs more than aspies, more because of a greater capacity to do so than for any other reason) need to be able to stand up to their own family. That means that there are lines, where you have to be able to say "enough of this," to them. Disrespecting your partner is one of those things. I absolutely wouldn't stand for that if it was open (below the radar is tougher to deal with). Being able to say "I don't care if you don't like him/her, he/she is my husband/wife, and I expect you to make an effort to be polite," is important. I don't think it's a requirement for my folks to like my wife (although it would be nice if they did), but I do expect them to respect her and treat her politely and kindly. And if they didn't, I'd leave. Now, honestly, I don't know how my family feels about my wife, but for the most part they have been polite to her.

Oh, re:the quoted text, I think y'all should beware the degree to which it's a bit over the top. Don't take it too seriously - the principles it's based upon are reasonably sound, but I'd go over it until you understand the underlying ideas and not follow the letter. I can see some of us making fools of ourselves if we actually tried to follow some of this advice. (And bring a dish? Call and ask first. Really.)

Yeah, the diet restrictions can be tough. I had a boyfriend that claimed to be a vegetarian. My mom made a pizza for dinner and made a special meat-free one just for him. AT the dinner table he said that he liked pepperoni, he wasn't a vegetarian full time. It was very embarassing.

My gift to my AS bf is that he doesn’t have to come to any holiday family dinners, nor does he have to attend parties. He has no desire to do these things in spite of liking my family and friends. Since I love and understand him, I think it would be unfair of me to force him to do something he doesn’t want to. I am fine solo or with him, so I am happy either way.

For the poor souls AS or NT that have to deal with the in-laws, these are good tips, as ChelseaOcean points out, for any situation which you are unfamiliar or uncomfortable!!

I know MY family and they know ME, so I don't really strive to alter anything about myself around them.
Now that my sister is married, though, there is a horde of new family members--- I can never remember their names. If I remember their names, I can't put it on their faces ( with the exception of "mom"). But they can all cook like the angels can sing. So I can usually keep my mouth full the entire time to avoid saying something deemed "stupid" by everyone else. They're pretty loud and opinionated, as well, which is good for me since it makes me seem a bit more normal when I'm being that way over there. And the house is big with TV's on everywhere, so I can keep my eyes glued on the TV's and not worry about what I say ( half the blended family will also be watching a TV somewhere in the home).
Christmas with my new relatives is actually pretty good---

On the lighter side...I wrote this last year...survival tips for holiday dinner (revised):

"...A time for love, togetherness...and family.

Yep...and if you are nodding your head in joyful agreement, you are either medicated, alone, or have cracked open that bottle of holday wine a day early.

After the age of 12 most of us have come to the realization that our family is dysfunctional in one way or the other. If you are one of the few that haven't come to this realization or you just happen to be one of the "chosen" that were born into the "perfect" family...take heart...there's still hope for you in marriage to experience all the joys that life truly has to offer.

Now...on to our Holiday dinner survival tips.

1. If eating away from home...make sure all exits are clearly marked and devoid of anything that could hinder escape.

2. No comments except "delicious", "wonderful", and "Mmmmm" shall exit your lips concerning the food if you aren't the one cooking. All women take these things very personally and failure to follow this very important rule may cause you needless suffering and pain.

3. If it moves...don't eat it. Simple.

4. Don't ask what's in the stuffing...you REALLY don't want to know. Trust me on this.

5. Mother/Mother-in-law is always right.

6. If Mother/Mother-in-law is wrong...see rule number 5.

7. Drinking shall be done in moderation...if drinking is not done in moderation see creative use number 987 for duct tape...entitled "promoting silence".

8. If there is going to be bloodshed, try not to get any on the tablecloth.

9. Melmac IS the "good china"...if you're expecting Lenox go visit Martha Stewart.

10. ...and the last rule is...when it all falls apart...find a corner to sit in away from any flying debris and slowly repeat to yourself "it's just once a year, it's just once a year, it's just once....."


**This is one thing I don't miss now that I'm divorced (holiday get-togethers)...it was just stressful, stressful, stressful.

....

Beenthere, you should send these tips to Dear Abby. They're great ideas.