NTs and Compassion

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Do NTs seem to have almost no compassion to you (most of them anyway)? Petty cruelty and carelessness is so common in day-to-day life that I can't even imagine these people having any redeeming qualities. Maybe when you don't have any friends, the world is a very different place, but a decent soul is rare. It makes me think that many people grew up without being taught common courtesy and politeness. It makes me wonder if these people simply need to be made to suffer for being miserable f***-ups; otherwise they just won't get it.

I mean, over the course of my day, no one stops to consider that I might have needs: that I might be lonely, that I might have goals in my life, etc. People just ignore me or treat me like s***.

"I mean, over the course of my day, no one stops to consider that I might have needs: that I might be lonely, that I might have goals in my life, etc. People just ignore me or treat me like s***."

Well, do you consider it with these NTs you talk about? This whole NT business bugs me a little bit. Don't assume that everyone else are well-adjusted zombies. As far as I know, everybody have their own issues.

I don't think it's fair to tar all NTs with the same brush. I know aspergics who are twits and NTs who are twits. I also know compassionless aspies as much as I know humane NTs.

Asperger's is just one (admittedly large) building block of your personality. People need to be judged as individuals, because of how startlingly different we can be.

Most of the insensitivity I've experienced over the years has come from NT's...

And most of the compassion I've experienced over the years has come from, well, NT's...

Most of every type of trait common to humans I've ever encountered has been through an interaction with an NT, because there are just more NT's out there. They have less in common as a group than we do. Because by definition, we are a group because we have things in common. They are group because they don't have those things in common with us. Not because they are insensitive or loud or obnoxious.

It can seem that all the NT's share a sort of commonality, but thats only because we don't share some of our commonality with them. If that makes sense.

I don't want to attract any flaming - my experience and opinions are my experience and opinions, OK?

And my experience is that this famous NT empathy is sorely lacking. They may have it for each other, but I am only just beginning to understand that this much vaunted abundance of NT mirror neurons is probably limited to empathy with other NTs (if it's there of course).

For me this begs the question of whether most of this 'empathy' is indeed the ability to feel what another is feeling or whether it is more simply a good guess at what another is feeling based on their experience of their own reactions and responses.

I say this because I am utterly fed up with explaining myself and how I am feeling only to have an NT completely ignore what I've described and proceed to tell me what/how I am feeling.

I have many specific experiences over the last year with 'professionals' and with close friends - the latter certainly consider themselves to be caring, compassionate people. And yet, without exception, [i] they've all imposed their own construction on my feelings and situation.[i]

To my mind, in my understanding, that is NOT empathy. Yet they believe it to be. They consider themselves to be compassionate and empathic.

I always ASK people what they are feeling (in circumstances where that sort of question is appropriate ). And I ALWAYS take the other person's word for it - their experience is their experience: I have NO right to gainsay it or change it into something that is more acceptable, more comfortable, for me or into something I might consider to be more appropriate.

At another level, as I've said before here, we only have to look at the massive amount of suffering and pain in the world...a million children a DAY dying of malnutrition and disease...? Constant wars and battles and the most horrific atrocities...? The Catholic church's appalling abuse towards children...? And then their covering up of these crimes...?

These are not the activities of empathic and compassionate human beings.

'Man's greatest cruelty generally lies in allowing others to perpetrate great cruelties.'
(sorry, forgot author)

i have been get lot off embhaty from nt when i mention about as just like that whitout reason

So far as NTs are concerned we're the weirdos who never come on the company picnic and always sit in a corner at the office parties. Compassion doesn't enter into it.

Ed Almos

NeantHumain- I can understand what you are ging through as a loner. I am NT, but during my highschool years, I ws very much alone, and i believed the same thing about others as you do. I hope you can see that there are many NT loners out there who have issues with interacting socially, who feel almost forgotten, who are geeks or nerds for reasons they cannot control, who are pushed into ostracism.

I also wanted you to know that AS is really hard to understand for many NTs. This may be because we're never even taught about AS. I remember learning about fullblown autism briefly...infact most things werent taught uless they were broad, like depression and phobias.

So many NTs do not know about AS and they may not even see you as different from an NT loner.

Even as a loner, I am STILL learning about AS because there are things added to simple lonerism that people never would think about otherwise.

For example, my boyfriend has AS, but we dated for awhile without EITHER of us knowing this. At first he didnt make eye contact with me and would wince everytime I touched him. You can imagine that since I thought he was only a shy NT (I had no idea AS existed), I thought he didnt like to be touched by me. Also whenever I went in for a hug, he'd have me squeeze him with all my power and energy. He'd just say "harder, harder!" with his arms to his side and me squeezing until I was exhausted. I learned not to give a whole lot of hugs unless I had a lot of energy to expend lol. Sometimes it didnt feel like a hug at all, just squeezing a body.

See those things are hard to understand if you do not know about AS. It is simply difficult for many people to understand why people with AS cannot adapt to the needs etc of others. Many people might say "well why cant he jsut do this? or this?" It's hard to understand for them because theyve been adapting their whole life, and have never considered the possiblity that it may be hard for someone or impossible, or a personality trait. Even NT loners may feel this way.

But it doesnt mean they dont care. Im sure plenty of people do and will care about you. It may be hard for them to understand, but give them patience and time.

Empathy is when one has shared a similar situation and has been in your shoes. No way an NT can empathize with all you have been through your whole life. And no one wants to be felt sorry for, so sympathy is out. Compassion, yes indeed, but only if we actually know something is wrong. Most of us stay away from strangers and their problems, as we all have our own that we can barely manage. Don’t get me wrong, some are helpful when you are lost or need help lifting something, etc. some immediate help and then off to our own little world.

Now, as much as it may seem NTs are mind readers, we aren’t. No one knows how you feel unless you tell them. Body language of slumped shoulders and frown don’t necessarily make an NT know you are sad. For all we know, you have a belly ache. Which scares us because it may be contagious.

You have needs, you are lonely, you have goals, yes, we all do. NTs work hard at attaining these goals as well as many AS do. People do for themselves whether AS or NT. Some NTs do expect people to do things for them and they are the ones sitting around doing nothing and being rude while the rest are working hard to keep happy. Most NTs can’t be bothered with misery, as they have all been miserable and worked their way through it and assume you will too. As my mother says “no one can pick their own selves up by the bootstraps but themselves”.

And edel, you may think you are the weirdo that does not attend company picnics and sits in the corner, but I’ll bet people run to you when something needs to be fixed. I don’t do company functions, I try to hide in the corner, I don’t care if people think I am weird, I am just not interested in chitty chatty. Direct information, yes. Can I do chitty chatty? Yup, it is a breeze to be fake perky. Do I enjoy it, nope, it is exhausting. Why do I do it? I like shoes, and my paycheck allows me to buy shoes.

Do I feel sorry for people? Rarely, and only when something horrible happens to them that is out of their control. Do I feel compassion? With people I know, occasionally a stranger. Rude? Only to people I know. I am nice to strangers. I think it is an NT thing that we are actually nicer and more polite to strangers than our own kin. This is me personally.

If you are wondering how you come across to other people or why they are rude to you, ask. Really, the next time someone is rude, ask them directly why they are being so rude and ask them if they could please make their statement in a non rude way. It takes more brains to be nice than rude, and perhaps the rude people are just…uh...twits!!