Serious Request for Advice Concerning My Father

Post Reply New Topic

My father, who is 88, lives in an assisted living facility and is in danger of being kicked out. Asperger's runs in my family. Sadly, my father has become emotionally and physically abusive to staff at the facility, and he has several times tried to leave on his own. He simply cannot stand to have his routines interrupted.

We have tried to get a psychiatrist to see him, but no one wants to go there. For them, it is like making a house call. We have also had no success in getting him to see a psychiatrist in her or his office.

My sister (who had ADHD) and myself (an aspie) have no idea of what to do. Does anyone have any specific, factual information (not just personal opinions) on dealing with elderly aspies?

Don't you have the possibility of asking advice from the Social Workers at the facility or in the Town Hall? Here, we do. There are also institutions that give guidance in these cases, though I only know my local ones. Failing that, local internet forums in your country, people going through similar issues, can give invaluable advice. One thing I've learnt about taking care of my old and sick parents is that you're not expected to re-invent the wheel. There are people who have experience with these cases.

Wishing you and your dad all the best.

What kind of specific, factual information are you looking for exactly? I can't think of any sort of statistic or anything like that that would help you figure out what to do in this situation.

I'm sorry to hear this. It must feel very upsetting to see your dad like this.

Ok, I was in the same situation with my mother. I do not know anything about the US care/social services system so I can only be rather general.


This must happen regularly with the elderly folks they have there. There must be a formula in place to deal with dementing residents.

Does your father's home have a manager or matron to speak with?

And then you should also speak with your dad's GP.

Is there a social services/welfare department at your town hall?

Do you or your sister have a social worker or key worker?

What about other relatives?

We have been in regular touch with the head nurse and with the director of the facility. In assisted living, the resident has her or his own suite but also, if she or he wants it, care by a staff of nurses.



My sister chats with him several times a week. All he keeps on doing is changing my father's medications.



The place my father lives is a social service facility in itself. The problem is in getting him to see a psychiatrist who is qualified to deal with ASDs.



No. In my case, I live half a country away from my father.



Unfortunately, there are none.

Sure, and there are social workers at the assisted living facility. However, none of them are qualified to deal with my father's situation.



Thank you. I suppose what I was hoping for is if anyone knew of an agency which sent psychiatrists to assisted living centers.

Honestly, I don't know. I suppose factual information on getting him properly treated.

You say he can't stand having his routines upset. Is there some arrangement that you could come to with the staff at the home to only enter his suite when specifically requested to by your father? Does he still know who and where he is sufficiently to handle that?
I'm sorry; i have no advice not already suggested , except perhaps a change of doctor if current one is so at sea that changes medication constantly.
Best wishes.

Ok, it looks like you've been doing all the things you can - it must be a real problem being so far away.

May I ask why it's necessary to have an ASD specialist to see him?

My own experience in the UK is that once people get past a certain age they don't discriminate between 'disorders', they just give elderly folks lots of meds. (In the UK at least this is jargon for they just don't care).

They moved my mother to a more secure social services home and we have watched as she has progressively lost her cognitive faculties. The excruciating fact is that this is the slippery slide into full dementia. There is nothing they can do but to make the patient as comfortable as possible. It is very painful to watch as your parent becomes a child and then as helpless as a baby. (PM me if you want to talk about it further).

The situation is more complex. He was on the first floor, where residents are entirely left on their own. Staff will only assist when the resident pushes a buzzer. He kept on trying to get out of his wheelchair and was hurting himself. He refused to wear his adult diapers (because of how they felt on him) and was doing his business all over the room. My father drove my mother crazy. Now, he is doing the same with the staff. Now, he is on the third floor, which has more comprehensive care (almost like a nursing home), but he is punching the staff members when they try to help him.

People go through this with parents who have dementia and alzehmiars, so support groups are a wealth of info and support. Alot of these victims are violent so the help is sorely needed. My husbands family and I went to a support group and man did we get alot of help. they know people, or know people who know people. Even though alzehmiers isn't what your dad has, they are still more than willing to help. Even though alzehmiers isn't what my mother-in-law has, the organization was wonderful. So I say check into them. They want to be involved. And your dad cannot be thrown out on the streets, but he may not like where he'll end up if he does get kicked out. I don't get why his day is not organised and in order for him. I don't get why a Social Worker isn't helping. Most of these places have one. The Alzehmiers Association can help you find out what his rights are, and who to contact. Good luck....I swear my husbands family should write a book, they'd save people alot of grief.

I am hoping he can get some kind of cognitive-behavioral therapy.



His primary care MD keeps on adjusting his meds, but it does not help.



Sorry you went through that. My father is very lucid - well, as much as he has ever been. He has no significant dementia. He is just frustrated at not being able to control his environment.

Thank you. I will pursue it.

If you live in the US, you need to contact the AARP, they'll have information for you.

The American Association of Retired People.

This is not an easy situation, and it sounds to me like there are other things going on (which are fairly typical in 80 year olds). But AARP has resource contacts.

If you live in another country, I don't know what you're going to do, unless your government has a department that deals with "senior" affairs. They're actually pretty helpfull.

Good luck.

Btdt

Thank you. I will try that, too. Yes, my father and I are both members of the AARP.

Ok, I understand better now. I'm envious on behalf of my mother that seniors can get cognitive behavioural therapy there! They won't provide it here for people of working age so elderly people have no chance here.

It sounds like you have to shake that GP up a lot more and also get very insistent with the home staff about your father's needs. My experience is that it goes in one ear and out of the other with carers.