It doesn't define me...or shouldn't...and won't

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My personality is shaped by AS, but I don't want it to be my identity. I've been stuck in this limbo that I barely get out of enough to see the other side before getting pulled back again--though at this point I realize what I want and how to get it, after years of dead ends.

Also, no one would ever guess I have AS. I mean, they think I'm just a unique likeable guy--and I identify myself that way, not as someone with X, Y, and Z "symptoms". But then I have to go back to that identity when things go bad for me. But I don't plan on having things continue like that. And I have good reason to believe they won't.


Also, I don't think AS is what messed me up. It was depression. That just let the AS symptoms BECOME a problem. If I hadn't had depression, I would just be an unusual but happy and liked person.

Let's face it, I probably would not get along with a lot of the people on WP--and that doesn't mean I don't respect and have love for those who don't function very well--I understand it all too well, having been there. I just function too well to need friends that function poorly with interaction, because I want good interaction. Of course I understand them and want to help, but my social skills are good enough I recognize bad ones and can't really be around it (BUT, that goes for NT's as well).


I feel a bit like an amphibian, when many of people with AS are fish, and those on the NT side are some land animal---what I mean is that I developed in the water, its my foundation (being AS), but I was destined for the land (the NT world). And having grown up a lot, I really feel more at home on land than the water---but that water is something I still have to go back to.


I am eccentric, and I ultimately have to back to eccentricity as my identity--but I see myself as a socially skilled eccentric, even if that eccentricity means I don't connect. It seems like I either connect very well or not at all with people. It seems like NT's are fascinated by me and my personality (in a good way) but don't identify with me.


I would rather identify myself by personality traits, not the word Aspergers.

By the way, are you a fish that grew up in the water or a fish that had to learn to survive on the land? I'm the later and up until AS came into the picture I think the first word I would've used to describe myself was 'eccentric'. When I started going out again after the shock it was constantly going through my mind that my eccentricities were no longer eccentricities, they were symptoms of a mental disorder. I had to switch back to viewing myself as an eccentric, at least when it was useful. Now anything I don't like about myself is the disorder an anything i do like is my own personality quirk. It may not be correct but its good for the psyche.

Land, water, air, I want it all.

Land, water, air, I want it all.

There are some strange statements in that first post.

I've learned some things about social skills, but that hasn't made me hate being around people who don't have the same ones I learned about. Are you sure it's not an embarassment borne out of your own self-consciousness or something? Because it's not an automatic result of learning social skills.

The simile with land and water is a wonderful one. You should copyrite it. Best description I ever read about the difference between aspies and NTs.

No no, I did not say I hate or dislike anyone who has poor social skills. I just mean that in terms of personality, the friends I make are going to be similar to me, meaning similar social personality, which can also be called social skills. Perhaps we should use a different word than skills, as if it is an up and down chart.\. I don't dislike people for personality, unless it is actually a character flaw, like being mean spirited or something.You see, I will make friends with people with SIMILAR social skills as me. I don't see social skills as a numbered vertical chart. I do not want to be friends with people with "better" social skills than me either--not because I think they are better, but because they operate in a way I can't relate to---that goes for people that are very very NT, as wel as someone who is very autistic.And I think you can love someone without "liking" them. You can be a friend to someone even if they are not your friend. Because face it, you can't actually be a friend WITH everyone, because then the word friend doesn't really mean anything.

Also, relating to someone can happen on many different levels. I might have nothing in common with a person in one setting, but everything in another. I may relate to a person very well in web chats about autism or life experiences, even if personality is very different

I sort of sounded like making a judgement by speaking of social skills as good or bad--but in all honesty some are good and bad, that doesnt make a person better or worse, just more or less functional in the NT world. All I am saying is that I lean towards people that are more functional, though not to anyone who is what I would call a sheep.

hmm, perhaps the animal on the land is the sheep, and we try to become a sheep, follow the herd, but you know, a frog is a great thing to be, as long as you aren't a frog that gets stuck in the water. Getting stuck on land OR water is a bad thing. But that doesn't make a person bad for being there. And if you can be happy in only one place, that is the best thing for you, it's your identity after all.

I guess what I am saying about not relating to people is not that I do not relate to other frogs, just not those that are completely immersed---anymore than those that are completely land animals--but that doesn't mean I dislike them or do not desire contact and a certain level of friendship. And lets face it, some people have traits that we know don't make them a bad person, but it is still hard to be around them. Imagine marrying a girl with a really whiny voice. Maybe she's a great gal, but maybe you should marry someone who won't drive you crazy.



Well, I'm a frog that started out as a tadpole.

Except I didn't know about AS for a while. And after learning of it at about twelve, I refused to believe it. I told myself I was quirky. I assumed I was a land animal, then realized the whole time I'd been a fish or something, then started growing legs and trying to crawl out of the pond, and got barely out then fell back in. At that point, I realized I was a frog, and had never been a fish but a tadpole.

But now I know how to get out of the pond and am starting to, because all those efforts have strengthened my legs and I know where to go

Good for your psyche, now that's a laugh, classing as a disorder your weakness & continuing to focus on trying to fix it, in ways that you can't would be like continuing to say to a overweight person that you should stop eating, get exercise, aren’t you sick of your weight, they is treatment for that isn't they, it's wrong to be that way. Does that help them in a positive way? No it normally makes them more depressed, eat more, cover up they body allot, you can tell how a overweight person feels about them self by what they wear, if they always wear something that cover's them up then that tells you how they feel, does not matter what size a person is the fact is if someone makes them think they fatter than they are they can lose as much weight as they want & still feel they over weight.

They is a difference of looking at weakness & people telling you about them over & over again.

Someone like me. Example:- most of the time I just stay quiet & not bother to talk. Try to avoid what I like to talk about, try & force myself to do things the way people want, to not do things that people think is wrong, how it make me feel... The same way as a overweight person that is covering up coz of how they feel about they body... You might think it’s good for the psyche but they is a difference between looking at your weakness & accepting it, than someone butting in & sticking what they think just because they & other’s are that way... This behaviour can be seen allot of way’s throughout allot of people. People who self harm are another example.

Think positive is the way people say, yet negative focus is always on, how come they is no positive bit's about As people, no one gets the full picture, until you meet someone or you read something about someone. I bet allot wish they could do like one autism person can that I know is do a panoramic picture of a town just by flying over it & get it Wright, & stay they until he finish's it. That's a positive thing, writers, artists. Might not have as many friends’ as other's but is that a bad thing, or you want smaller amount of friends...

Most people who get on with who they are have accepted who they are, they have strengths just has they have weakness just like other personalities out they, only difference we have to fight for who we are, even if you’re not classed as AS, Introverts have to fight for who they are but the difference is your not focusing on negative fixing, you are focused on been who you are, when I fix someone's computer an old person thinks’ I am the niece’s person she has ever met, polite so on, the question really is what does As serve to do if someone with no problem's can class them self as As.

That's sort of what I'm getting at.

If it doesn't cause problems, one should still recognize it---but only to say, "ah, that explains a lot"---and merely see AS as a quirky aspect of who they are. Not as a defining characteristic. "I'm quirky. That's who I am. Someone put a certain name to that sort of quirkiness"

That's how I'd like to see it. Because there are so many different aspects and labels for who I am, personality traits that happen to come together should not be defining over the other personality traits that are not AS but merely, "me". Not someone else.

Of course I realize that for some people the AS symptoms really do overshadow the other things a lot.

Logitechdog, I've read your post a few times but I'm not quite sure if I've got to the heart of it so I apologise if my reply doesn't address the right issues.

A lot of it seems to relate to my use of the word 'disorder'. I'm not sure if i should have used that word, it's not necessarily one the that I like, but I couldn't think of a better one. My weakness. I did not want to comment on the goodness or badness or rightness or wrongness of any AS traits. I certainly did not mean to disallow you from accepting yourself as you were.

I only meant to describe a mechanism that I use to help myself be a little more outgoing when I go to the same clubs I used to go to before I learnt about my Aspergers, where not many people know, (or need to know) that I have it. Personally I don't like to define my strengths, especially my creative strengths, and odd (but hopefully endearing) personality as 'the positive bits of aspergers', it seems to take them away from me, whether it should or not. I don't want to explain my whole personality away as being Aspergers related, and I could very nearly do that if I wanted to.

I would obviously never tell anyone else they had to feel the same way about it or think about it in the same way I do.

I can't help feeling you've seized upon one sentence I've written that appears to relate to something you were already unhappy about and analysed it to a point that it didn't really need to be analysed to.

i understand how you feel. It seems the aspergers is sometimes used as the personality. which is probably why i still dont like telling people about it. im not ashamed of it i have fully accepted it but i want people to get to know me...not the aspergers.
Because we are all individials. Nobody
is the same regardless whether they have As or not. if everyone was the same it would be a boring world!! !

in my opinion you can differ NTs and Aspies as Boys and Girls. If I tell you I'm a boy what does that say about my personality? not much. If I tell you I have Aspergers, what does that tell you about my personality? not much. But many people think they know something about my personality. it's different. Yes it is, but we are all different in some ways.

You having Asperger means you think differently then non-aspergers. But the real difference is that you haven't learned this behavior but you are born with it. Let's say you grab two boys, and put them in a room. one comes from New York, is well educated, and is an exact average American boy. the other boy comes from a deep african jungle. from a village that hasn't even heard the word electricity. an "eat or be eaten" kind of boy. Can they become friends? Well some things might look weird. But I think anyone can see trough that if he or she tries. and if you'd tell those boys at the end of the day where the other came from they will be like : "oooh, that explains."

same for different religions, different ages, different histories and even different dreams.

Amen - you are not your AS! AS is just the way you use analysis and systemising to interpret other people, rather than NT empathy and subconscious feelings.
Thankfully I believe you can unlearn the AS way - http://unlearningasperger.blogspot.com/ - very best wishes, JC