Help needed re: co-worker- please!!
Hi. I have a serious issue at work. One of my co-workers (a higher-up) is an Aspie. He did not tell me so- it is so painfully obvious. He is more severely affected than I am and I see how it affects his work and his relating to other staff. I would place him in the genius IQ range. I love to hear him talk about his work- obviously his chosen specialty is an obsession for him and it is beautiful to hear him explain anything.
The problem: he is a teacher and students are afraid to talk to him. His stress level is electric. I have heard him admit to being OCD. He speaks at twice the rate of anyone else around, and in a monotone, and without eye contact.
I have defended him to everyone and praised his autistic gifts (not using "the A word", either one). I have patiently explained that some people are wired differently than others. I have raved about his brilliance.
It is getting exhausting.
I cannot say "Can't you see that Dr X has Aspergers!?!" because that's obviously unfair. He did not tell me this and even if he had, that would be a privacy violation to tell anyone else. I have considered talking to a colleague of ours, or my supervisor. I can't speak directly to him because as I stated earlier, he is so tightly wound that I think he will explode if I do. I can barely talk to him about work-related matters or the fact that we both love Peavey guitars.
Last week I was working at my computer and he came into our work area and asked no one in particular to do something- in his monotone- and then walked out and people were saying "Why can't he use eye contact!! !" and my face was just all red and I could not say anything at all. I am so upset and frustrated.
Help!!
try to write this guy a letter in a way that explains the perception of the coworkers. Don't suggest that he is Aspie or autistic. But you can say you have similar difficulties and that you are Aspie. Assure him that you aren't interested in disclosing this information but that his communication style affects his work.
Strapples
Supporting Member
Joined: 30 Nov 2007
Age: 33
Gender: Male
Posts: 17,861
Location: Chicago Area IL (FAR FROM AUTISM SPEAKS)
The problem: he is a teacher and students are afraid to talk to him. His stress level is electric. I have heard him admit to being OCD. He speaks at twice the rate of anyone else around, and in a monotone, and without eye contact.
I have defended him to everyone and praised his autistic gifts (not using "the A word", either one). I have patiently explained that some people are wired differently than others. I have raved about his brilliance.
It is getting exhausting.
I cannot say "Can't you see that Dr X has Aspergers!?!" because that's obviously unfair. He did not tell me this and even if he had, that would be a privacy violation to tell anyone else. I have considered talking to a colleague of ours, or my supervisor. I can't speak directly to him because as I stated earlier, he is so tightly wound that I think he will explode if I do. I can barely talk to him about work-related matters or the fact that we both love Peavey guitars.
Last week I was working at my computer and he came into our work area and asked no one in particular to do something- in his monotone- and then walked out and people were saying "Why can't he use eye contact!! !" and my face was just all red and I could not say anything at all. I am so upset and frustrated.
Help!!
_________________
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When in doubt, ask an autistic. Chances are, they're obsessed with what you need to know.
Autism Speaks will NEVER speak for me
CLASSIC AUTISM
If HE knows you have praised and defended him, and like his discussions of obsessions, try asking him to go out to a quiet dinner in a quiet restaurant where you can be at a comfortable table across from what another. Just say you want to talk to him about his obsession, etc...
Remind him of how you have defended him, and like his chats, indicate how you are the same way, and tell him what you believe. Don't mention autism. He will probably look it up, and see how so much fits him, etc...
If he has ANY respect for you, and believes how you have defended him, he SHOULD accept it ok.
I learned the hard way not to be too vague. I wanted to do a similar thing with a coworker. I pointed out how we both stim(I didn't mention that word), and we both have similar problems, etc.... We also BOTH clearly knew about autism(though I only HINTED at that). Our boss said he had a "handicap", but autism wasn't mentioned.
BTW he is ALSO smart, and we are BOTH respected. BTW I have defended HIM also. OH WELL, we are both still friends.
I have defended him to everyone and praised his autistic gifts (not using "the A word", either one). I have patiently explained that some people are wired differently than others. I have raved about his brilliance. It is getting exhausting.
What problem? I applaud your efforts to help a fellow aspie, but his social difficulties are not your problem. Remember, not everyone on this board considered being made consciously aware of their autism as a positive. Ignorance can be bliss. It saves us the difficulty of trying to change. Even if his behavior makes your job more difficult, you need to develop strategies to minimize the damage to you. That means not telling him anything about autism. Work around it.
If you really want to help and cannot address it directly, your only recourse would be to give not-so-subtle hints. Telling stories about "other people" which relates to him or offering suggestions by referring to yourself. "People sometimes think the worst if I do not look them in the eye. I hate that..." etc. Looking back, people tried this strategy with me and I didn't get it. Some days, I resented it. I didn't understand until I reached the breaking point and was forced to confront my issues and change. Even now, I am fully aware of my monotone and my inability to make eye contact and my autism. People try to help and I try to accomodate as best I can, but I'm not going to change who I am to appear less eccentric. Yea, that can make things easier on a social level, but I would be the one exhausted if I tried to be NT for hours at a time.
Patience, kindness, sympathy, friendship works with most. Lectures often do not. Your good actions are enough. His students are afraid to talk to him? Well, as Machiavelli advises, it is better to be feared than to be loved. If he is a higher up, he must be doing something right. You can't argue with success!
HOW? I admit that such a thing isn't the best, but it was the least threatening way I could think of to get him alone, etc...
Since I am desperate for suggestions from the WP community, any and all are welcome and I thank you sincerely!!
I did think about asking him to lunch though (or maybe to come over and play guitars). I think he must already be aware that he is on the spectrum somewhere. He knows they exist.
Like next time I see him stimming, which is nearly constantly, should I just smile and ask him if he is autistic? Because I have already rehearsed that scenario repeatedly inside my own head.
I really just need to increase awareness and acceptance among the NT's here. Ironic that it is Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. Day today here in the US.
HOW? I admit that such a thing isn't the best, but it was the least threatening way I could think of to get him alone, etc...
Since I am desperate for suggestions from the WP community, any and all are welcome and I thank you sincerely!!
I did think about asking him to lunch though (or maybe to come over and play guitars). I think he must already be aware that he is on the spectrum somewhere. He knows they exist.
Like next time I see him stimming, which is nearly constantly, should I just smile and ask him if he is autistic? Because I have already rehearsed that scenario repeatedly inside my own head.
I really just need to increase awareness and acceptance among the NT's here. Ironic that it is Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. Day today here in the US.
Playing guitars is even BETTER!! !! !! I didn't suggest lunch merely because it might be hurried, and coworkers are more likely to be there.