I wouldn't describe my emotional state as boredom; I think ennui is more appropriate. It's a boredom that's unrelenting. It lasts all day and is still there when I wake up the next day. It wears against me. It slows me down. I can't even find it in myself to laugh at mildly funny jokes anymore. It seems the amount of humor I need just to make me laugh a little has increased so much because the ennui has dulled my emotions. This ennui makes it difficult to connect with other people because I appear so apathetic, motionless, and disinterested. I sometimes speak to people, but I am only frustrated by rambling off semi-coherent anecdotes that I can't express as clearly vocally as in text. I have very little to say to begin with, so I try asking them the questions. I'm trying my best, but I can't force the feeling of excitement upon myself in a relatively calm situation.
The effects of this ennui are a slowing of my speech, flattening of my speech inflection, lack of all but the very slightest facial expression, a sense of alienation from my duties (i.e., the classes I'm taking and the homework involved) and my goals in life, and a constant yearning for something better. This isn't depression, or at least it's not the entire concept of depression. I was on Lexapro (an SSRI) until recently, and I still had this ennui but without some of the most visible aspects. Instead of feeling defeated and hopeless, I turned outward, attempting to find solace from other people, where I found very little. My summer was very, very boring.
I am beginning to feel that the only way I could ever hope to improve my life is if I could control other people's thoughts: make women love me, make people accept me, change people's interests so that they're not talking about some TV show or magazine or sporting event I have zero interest in, make a potential employer hire me, etc.
08 Sep 2005, 8:25 am
