Not Saying Anything

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I've heard that Aspies usually say whatever's on their mind.

This is not the case with me, as I have a strong aversion to conflict and disagreement. Whenever I think about saying something, I analyze several factors and usually I determine that the possibility of starting an argument is too great and I'd probably be better off not saying it. I also have slow communication skills, which means if someone questions the idea I am trying to convey, I have a hard time answering those questions sometimes.

What do you guys think? Do any of you do the same thing?

Yes, I need time to sort out verbal communication; its all so much easier in picture and pattern form, so having a pencil and paper to draw things on and then speak from that can help a lot.

Yeah, I'm one of those "quiet" types; I refrain from talking because I simply don't know what to say [to begin with], and then when I think of things to say, I'm unsure which is the "right" one for the context of the situation. So I ultimately don't talk to people (it's not that I cannot talk; my speech was delayed/deviant, but I caught up real quick).

I'm slow to compose my thoughts to verbal words too (I appear "slow").

How are you with your family? I'm fine with my mother/sister. I saw a little girl at Attwood's who was diagnosed with AS that day; she didn't look at the psychologist, nor did she recognize her existence; when the psycho left, she spoke and interacted with her sister like any other child [at first observations]. This is how I was, and how I now am.

Very well said. I think the same can be said of me.

I guess it's much easier to talk to my family and close friends, as I know them better, and am better able to determine what things are "the wrong things" to say to them.

I am always very quiet as well. I rarely say anything, and when I do, I struggle to speak louder than a whisper. Unless it's with close family in which case I can usually speak normally. I assumed that it was something akin to being non-verbal - which is a known symptom of autism - but much milder in nature.

I USED to speak my mind. I USED to be blunt. NOW, I am usually NOT. SO, I can go through meetings run by IDIOTS, have LOTS to say, and never say a word.

I use to never say anything, i was a mute all through my life up until I hit college, thats when i started becoming more vocal with everybody around me, i still have soo many problems get what i wanted to say to ppl, but gave up getting all upset about it and gave up caring. I speak my mind, and if i mess up which is usually do, i laugh it off. But from what u say, i was the exact same way! Only talked to my family, thats it!

It's an either/or function... either silent or blunt. What else is there? If you don't want to cause trouble or just feel non-verbal, don't say anything... if you want to.. may as well say what you mean.

With me it's either all or nothing. I normally do say what's on my mind, which of course, most of the time, the NTs complain and don't like hearing what I have to say...not because it's wrong, but because it is truth. However, many times I have just kept my mouth shut and not said a word.

Funny, but when I don't say anything, like someone stated about meetings (happens ALL the time to me), people start asking me why I'm so quiet, that they need my input, blah, blah...but when I do say something, if they don't like it, I'm a horrrible person for speaking my mind.

I have asked many times how I'm supposed to say what's on my mind so that they will not be offended and they always come up with...just be nice about it. Honestly, I can say, "excuse me, but I think, blah, blah, blah..." and never fails that someone will say, no...and of course, challenge me...so then when I continue to explain my point, they get defensive and say I think I know it all, blah, blah...

It just seems like no good solution. At work, I have finally decided to keep my mouth shut and have no input at all. I'm worn out by trying to pretend or trying to say things in a way an NT is not offended...basically, anything that is against what they believe, is offensive.

I often do the same thing. I don't like arguements. I'm very passive. And besides, I've found that often when I do get riled up enough to say something, it's usually the wrong thing (saying "it's not my job either" at work is very baaaaad). I also usually end up processing information too slow to respond, especially if it is something tossed in. For instance, at work I was accused of being rude to one of the residents, when I never even talked to her. (I work at an assisted living center, which is one step up from a nursing home in case you don't know.) I defended myself and my boss said she believed me, and they would get to the bottom of it. A few weeks later she threw it into a conversation and subtly accused me of doing it again, and I didn't process it fast enough to say "I didn't do that" when I should of.

Peace,

Windlord.

That reminds me of another thing that happens to me. If I'm walking through the hallway and someone walking in the opposite direction says hello to me, it usually takes me half second to process the fact that I should respond, and it takes another half second to actually formulate an appropriate response... but the person is gone by then.

I generally say very little, but when I go hyper (which is very often), I can't really make it stop. I might even realize that I'm babbling, but I can't change it in any way unless I completely shut up.

Exactly. First I process who the person is, why he initiated the action and what the action meant, then I must think of how to react myself.

Yes, definitely. I go out of my way to avoid conflict, and I have to try hard to not do that sometime because on occasion avoiding conflict in the short term means worse conflict in the longer. Recently I've been annoying the crap out of my wife because we've had a few disagreements where I've just walked away because I couldn't think of a conciliatory way to answer what she said, so I just didn't say anything. Admittedly, often I'm still trying to think of a response 2 or 3 minutes later, and she thinks I'm just blanking her, but sometimes to my shame I've just chickened out and not answered, tried to remove myself from the situation. It's something I need to not do.

Yes, I do this, too. My processing time for what someone's said can be pretty high, especially when it's unexpected. I'll often say "what? Oh, er... (appropriate reply)" I heard, it just takes me time to figure out what it is I heard. Audio Processing Disorder, apparently.

I'm a mix of both on the far ends. Most the time I'm too quiet but there are those times where I just say whatever which is easier for me but not for anyone else. I was more like that as a kid and through growing up just learned to keep my mouth shut.

I do this too. Sometimes a perfect response will pop into my head, but not until days (yes, days) later... at which point I've all but forgotten the conversation.

Last edited by xyzyxx on 25 Jan 2008, 4:29 pm, edited 2 times in total.

The French actually have a word for this. Loosely translated, it comes out as "walking down stairs thoughts," the perfect riposte you thought of while you're walking down the stairs away from a person. I forget what the French word is, though. I should look it up - I think we ought to bring it into the English language. Cultural appropriation, wot?
Anyway, clearly we're not the only people who do it, or the French wouldn't have a word for the phenomenon. I do think that that it paralyses us more often, though.