Complaints that you make people "uncomfortable"

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Probably something many of us have encountered - getting second-hand feedback that you made so-and-so feel uncomfortable. And you had no idea why, but you likely had the idea that you had the tendency to unwittingly make people feel uncomfortable.

Seldom have I had anyone tell me first-hand that I made them feel uncomfortable, I've been told by a couple of former house-mates that I "freak them out", which I thought was a gross exaggeration, since it's not like I was running around flashing them by dropping my pants and laughing maniacally, or using my hands to feed myself off my plate like some neanderthal weirdo instead of using a knife and fork.

I had this at a couple of past jobs many years ago, where someone told me that "so-and-so says you make her feel uncomfortable". The ironic thing as well is that on one occasion someone thought I made them feel uncomfortable BUT said person had no qualms in bullying me, well, clearly they couldn't have been all that afraid of me now, could they?? Alluding to the silly pop culture archetype of the quiet loner who snaps and goes on some horrific rampage, duhhh! mind you, this was back in the 90s, when you didn't really hear about that sort of thing so much, but folks like us were no doubt thought of as "creepy" but still fair game for harassment and belittling.

However, I'm quite cynical about any complaints against any Aspie that he/she made the poor neurotypical person or co-worker or student feel uncomfortable. I'm sure those complaints are pretexts to get rid of the Aspie, and they way NTs operate is such that anybody who's regarded as "higher" on the social ladder will be given more consideration than those who are lower. As we all know, NTs seem more concerned with preserving social structures than eliciting the objective truth. sigh...

Yeah, I get these sorts of complaints sporadically.

Just ignore them, and move on.

The justifications for these feelings are usually quite ridiculous.

Great post. I can certainly relate. I cope by avoiding people as much as possible - paraphrasing some philosopher dude, "people are hell".

Could be an attempt to justify her behaviour.


Maybe it's being less concerned with social structures and hierarchy which can make some people uncomfortable.

I occasionally get this, or the polar opposite where people open up to me about really personal stuff out of the blue...

For genuine discomfort, it could be anything. Some people are very sensitive to perceived slights, and some people have natural facial expressions that just look angry to other people. Some will interpret anyone who doesn't want to goof off during their shift as an uptight prick who looks down their nose at them.

Who knows.

Rule #1 of the hierarchy: You don't f**k with the hierarchy, it f***s with you.

Just so you know, Indians, Ethiopians and Somalis still eat their food off their plate with their hands so they might not like to be referred to as some Neanderthal weirdoes.

I am often told there is something 'a bit scary' about myself. I think it's because people cannot read my body language which makes me seem more unpredictable than I really am, I am also oblivious to their body language which adds to the effect by making me seem disrespectful.

I have been told I look 'pissed off' and unapproachable when I concentrate and I tend to be very blunt which a lot of people seem to find intimidating.

One time I wanted to play table tennis and was really happy to see someone I used to play with at that place... so I asked him to play, not paying any attention to my tone of voice. Turns out it sounded kinda seductive, and the people around us let me know then and there.
I wish I could undo that.

You must have some talent if you can make " wanna play a game of tennis" sound seductive

I've definitely heard that before and it kind of hurts too, here I am putting enormous amounts of energy into "playing the role" so that people around don't feel uncomfortable and then I hear that...man that sucks.

To be fair almost every NT I encounter makes me feel extremely uncomfortable but I don't go around announcing it to people...wtf gives? I hate how people have to point out how I am different or awkward and I hate how that limits the amount of people that want to get to know me.

I hear you Aristophanes. I have been in the same job for more than 5 years and in this amount of time I think many of my more critical co-workers have sniffed out my differences, despite all my attempts to cover, and found me weird or somehow anti-sociable as a 'team-player' although they have let me know in a passive-aggressive sense that they will NOT cooperate with in future in any Team sense. It's true, that I just can't be 'on' full-time in a corporate environment to meet all of these challenges, and these sociability gaps have traditionally become detectable in about 2-yrs time at all my past jobs. I wish there were laws in place that would protect against hostile work environments, of any kind.

What I object to is this "you made me feel uncomfortable" thing. To me, the only objective way of expressing such a thing is "when you did that, I felt uncomfortable." Otherwise all the responsibility for the situation is pushed onto one of the two people involved in the problem, which seems oppressive, unless the original behaviour was pretty obviously hostile. If people are going to resolve a problem, I think it's wise for both parties to avoid passing the buck.

I've been told it a few times. A few NTs have also complain about other NTs making them uncomfortable as well though, so getting told the odd time shouldn't make anyone panic.

Yes it does.
If you're not operating within that system, then they don't have a "comfortable" method to manipulate you.

^ yes. this.

I agree.

Also I think complaining about you making them uncomfortable can be a way of bullying you. They may not actually feel uncomfortable but they just to want to make you feel like a weirdo. It's a way of excluding/ostracizing you.