Does anyone get sad about never being normal sometimes?

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Generally, I am pretty accepting of the differences AS presents me with, but today I noticed some very real differences that I don't like . . .

For example, I have a perceptual issue that makes me have nearly tunnel vision when I'm under floursent lights for a long period of time and I was sitting in front of my computer at work wondering what it would be like to still be able to see well after 8 my eight hour shift . . .

I also had to listen to people tell our new manager about their families and not having one I felt really left out . . .

Sometimes it is just very obvious how different I am from other people, I guess . . .

sometimes i wish i were normal, but then i realise that i am happy with my differences and that i dont think i would be the same eccentric personality that i am now.
sure i find talking hard and stringing sentences together,and sometimes i feel very very antisocial and leftout of chatter, but what i cant express with my tongue i can express with art and music and some people find that more interesting than speech could ever bring.

We are Normal ~ We're just not Typical. I have often felt depressed at being different to the average person but then there are many times I have felt pleased and proud to be different. I get a lot of strength from forums like this ~ It was a revelation to me to find out that there were other people in the world like me. I was diagnosed aged 45 so spent a lot of my life thinking I was the only one.

I don't really feel sad about not being normal, as such; I feel sad about the fact that because I am not typical, things are more difficult for me and will likely always be, not to mention it also makes me more needy than most due to the way our society is structured, and that neediness weighs on the people who must fulfill it.

I believe I am "normal." I've thoroughly believed I was normal for almost 41 years, so this last half-year of being aware of AS doesn't change that in the slightest. I have always known I was "atypical," but attributed it to being gifted as well. While being gifted does bring it's share of atypical POVs, I now know there are way too many other aspects of my person that are pure Aspie.

I do feel sad sometimes because I don't have the social life - the ENJOYMENT that comes from socializing - that I see in other people, especially family members and neighbors. We've lived in this home for 9 years. The neighbors congregate out front every night in the summer - I generally stay inside. The times I have forced myself to join them, usually because my kids are also outside playing/socializing, I have felt uncomfortable and out of place, bored with their superficial chatter/gossip and unable to "fit it" to their shallow world of tv, sports, bad marriages, unmanagable kids, and the latest paperback bestsellers. Doesn't anyone ever want to talk about history? or science? or religion? or literature???

So I sit inside and listen to them talking, laughing, screaming at their kids, and having a rollicking good time.

Cindy, I can certainly identify with the type of loneliness you describe. By and large the only forum where I can discuss things of interest to me is online because the internet community is so much more eclectic than any given cross-section of the population. As a result, gatherings like that where people are supposed to discuss things I couldn't give a flying fiddle about tend to make me feel very... marginalized is the word, I guess. If I must go to such a gathering, I will often just engage my 'cloaking device' as it were and try to make myself as invisible as possible.

Sorry for this being sooooooo long. But I needed to say this.

I've had many sleepless nights feeling pity for myself, wondering why I wasn't like everyone else. My parents told me that it was my ADD and not to worry about it. But as I said in my introductory post, the others kids with ADD had social lives, hung out, had girlfriends, ETC, while I didn't.

The doctors and my parents knew right away when I was born that I was not going to have a "normal" childhood. I came one month early. I was to be born on Christmas day, but was born right around Thanksgiving. When most babies are born they cry right away. I didn't. I took about 1hr before I started crying. The doctor also did some routine tests on me in which I scored below normal. But I was alive and breathing, so I guess you could say it somewhat of a start. When I was two months old, my mom took me to see one of her friends who worked as a nurse in a local hospital. Apparently I didn't like being held by someone outside of my own parents since my mom's friend said she never saw a baby get so agitated after she tried to hold me.

The first time I became consciously aware that I was different from others was the magical year of 1983. My parents put me into a daycare center becasue of work schedules, at a local church which was just up the street from where we lived. This was around Jan 1983. After six months I had begun to notice subtle differences between myself and others. Things that the other kids took to liking, I despised, and vice-versa. Asking the others kids to share something always resulted in them screaming "NO!! !!", But I could never bring myself to scream at the other kids. I would always say "you can have this when I'm done", and I would continue on playing. If a supervisor tried to take something from someone and give it to someone else, a struggle would always ensue between adult and child, desprate to keep the toy. But I never put up a struggle, I always ended letting other take stuff from me anyways, despite my attempts to be nice.

That was 1983, lets flash foward to October 1985. I was one month into my public school education. I remember one day I got to stay later than everyone else, all becasue my parents were having a confrence in the office with school administrators. My kindergarden teacher sat at her desk doing paper work, while I had the whole room to myself free to do as I pleased. I remember passing the time listening to Sesame Street records on the record player in the room. At the time I was unaware of what was happening, but my kindergarden teacher had too noticed that I was different from the others. Despite the fact that I was excelling from an educational standpoint, my personality was conflicting with the others students and as a result, I ended up having weekly counsling session with school psycologists for the next 6 1/2 years.

1987 - Second grade. I was headed for a total mental collapse. I was extremely anti-social, had disturbing outbursts of rage, and did innapropriate things in front of the class. The school I was in wanted to send me to Riverview, the districts school for the "challenged" students. My parents refused.

1988 - Third grade. I had a teacher who was patient and understanding, and although my anti-social and trouble making tendancys continued, I didn't have any outbursts and got good grades. The other third grade teacher which I thankfully didn't get, ended up having to go to anger managment classes because of her mean streak with students over the years. If I had gotten her, I think I would have had a total collapse.

1989 - Fourth grade. Teacher's I didn't like + students who didn't like me = Bad year in school.

1990 - Fifth grade. Teachers I liked + students who finally got use to me and accepted me for who I was + medication to help me focus = Good year

1991 - Sixth grade. Teacher I was uncomfortable with, but otherwise liked + Medication to help me focus + Students who were use to me minus one student who bullied me = Mixed year with ups and downs.

1992 - Junior High school. Absolute hell for me. All the people I went to grade school with suddenly turned their backs on me. My differences became glaringly obvious to others, and I quickly became a favored target for bullies. It was in junior high that I started to feel despair for my differences and first began to wonder how and why? I began a search for answers and at the same time, managed to develop complex coping skills designed to get me through the day with as little trouble as possible. And was somewhat successful in my quest, and I even managed to make a friend during those times. Friday Novmeber 13, 1992 (of all days) I was sitting in the gym during lunch when another student called to me to come sit up by him in the bleachers. I found it odd that he would do something like this, and that in the following days, he would exert a great deal of effort to keep in contact with me. But today I understand that he was an NT just doing what NT's do best. Forming social bonds and connections, an idea that was foriegn to me in 1992. At the time I was under the impression that friendships just "happened", and that people didn't willingly spend time trying to form them. Anyways, we were friends for about 9 years. Around mid 2001, he became heavily involved with drugs, (and it was him who introduced me to to drugs) while I was trying to clean myself up, and I ended up loosing contact with him.

I had felt pretty much the sameway through high school and beyond. By 1998 I had pretty much come to accept the fact that I was who I was and I was not going to be able to change it. Every now and then I took my search for answers to the internet, I looked through about a dozen different things, when on Monday June 1st, I stumbled upon a newspaper article about aspergers. I took my quest for answers back to the internet and it was like a dam breaking and all the water rushing out. Everything suddenly made sense, everything fell into place. Today I now feel no pity for myself, I no longer wonder why. I now have the tools I need to understand myself and my differences, and for the first time in my life, I can try to navigate the long hallway of life with light turned on so I can see where I'm going.

Which is the reason for my signature. Your seeing the writing of Scoots5012, Version 2.0

I have never truly felt sorry for myself for being different. In fact, I am glad to be different from others. I am working on improving my social skills and meeting other people. Last week my dorm building had a cookout with a nearby girls' dorm (mine is not coed), and I was able to meet and talk to a few of them. Fortunately, my differences did not become apparent until middle school, which I hated for a number of reasons. It seemed to me that most of my classmates were extremely immature. Sixth grade was the worst because there were no honors classes until seventh grade, so many of the others in my classes were prone to interrupting. The other two years were better because I only took honors classes, but I did have a few teachers that I didn't like. Elementary school was overall pretty good for me. I had excellent teachers for the fourth and fifth grades and was in a class of under twenty for both of those. Everyone accepted me really well and thought of me as being the smart one. The only time I was really bullied was in third grade, and it was relatively minor.

I often felt sorry for myself before high school because I had few friends and was frequently bullied. But when I came to High school I started falling in with some really good friends and this meant that my diagnosis during this time wasnt an issue.
There is no such thing as normal. There never was and never will be. I'm not proud exactly of having asperger's- but im never going to be ashamed of it. 'Normal' doesnt interest me and never has.

It wasn't until high school that I started to feel totally comfortable with being different. Like many of you, junior high was hell and I got picked on all the time. I had maybe six real friends during junior high.

High school was better--I learned to make friends with the weird people, because I was accepted amongst them and they didn't care that I was different. Some of them even stuck up for me when others teased me. I also continued friendships that had formed in junior high, because I went to high school with several people from junior high.

College was the best. I had a "family" of five boy friends, and we were all sister and brothers. I also had a few one-sided romantic relationships. I also had groups of friends as well--usually a different group every semester and I was often on the fringe of the group--I didn't do EVERYTHING with them but I did many things with them. When I didn't like a group any more, I could go find another one. Same thing with my guys. There was always somebody around I could go to. When one of the guys got tired of me, there was another one I could hang with.

Really the only things I miss with having Asperger's are having a real romantic relationship (especially having a sex life), the ability to drive a car (I did learned to drive but never got very good at it, so I don't drive),
the ability to find a job easily, and the ability to travel abroad alone.

Yes, I get sad sometimes. Sometimes, I get depressed. It is difficult to be around people and not know how to connect with them on a meaningful level. It's also difficult to feel anxious even about seeing people you know, because you don't know how to respond, or how long you will be able to participate in "social interaction." It's difficult to worry about giving the wrong impression to someone, because they can't understand how you are feeling or what is going on in your mind.

Mainly, I get depressed because of my social anxiety. I don't like to interact with people because I have no idea how to do it, and so I generally avoid them. But at the same time, sometimes I just wish I could join in on a conversation without any troubles. Or better yet, I wish people would understand that just because I'm sitting in the corner not talking to anyone doesn't mean that I am a jerk, that I don't like them, or that I am wierd. It means that I probably need a little help getting engaged in a conversation, and a little more understanding when I have trouble with it.

Like many of you, I was also teased relentlessly in Jr. High. I had friends abandon me and also stab me in the back even in Elementary School. High school was a bit better. I had made friends with the "outcasts" in Jr. High, and those friendships continued in High School. By that time, most people were mature enough to just leave me alone, rather than harass me, like others had in Jr. High School. Now, in college, I have a few friends, but I still feel unable to connect with others. I have two close friends, whom I can talk to about a lot of things, and a few aquaintances, but outside of this group, I rarely speak to or even look at anyone else.

I don't want to be "normal" in the cheerleader/popular girl sense of the word. If I was like that, I would lose everything that I am now. I want to be smart, and thoughtful, and quiet. Much of my personality is defined by my introspection. If I lost that, I don't think I would be who I am today. And I don't want to lose myself.

When I join a conversation it is mostly for social convenience (I'm sitting with other people or I'm in a group). I know it is not a good thing to be silent in a corner so I "have to" say something. But my real feeling is that what I could say is not interesting for other people, even if I know that is appropriate with the discussion and could enrich it.
what I'm not really able to do is
- to tell jokes to more then one person
- to talk to a big group of people
- to interact with people I don't know
msmartie

There are times where I wondered, "why can't I be like the rest?" There are times where I think, that maybe I would be better off being a NT, and live life like "the rest."

Sometimes I wonder if its "worth" being a Aspie. Is it worth all the hassle to be an Aspie, and to have all the Aspie "advantages"? I guess it doesn't matter, I'am who I'am.

I'm sad that many other people in our society treat those that they perceive as "different" with cruelty and disrespect rather than valuing them for their differences and what they are able to contribute to society by virtue of their differences and unique perspectives.

I am not sad about not being "normal" I am hurt by the way that I'm treated by some that consider themselves to be. If the way that I'm treated by many NT's is "normal," then I am thankful not to be. Perhaps normalcy is just an illusion.

Ramoth

For everybody who ever gets sad about something like that, listen to this song:

God Doesn't Make Mistakes
Carolyn Dawn Johnson

A couple inches taller
Another size smaller
A little curl in my hair
Used to wish I was older
Now I wish I was younger
Back when I didn't have a care
Most of the time I am happy with what God gave me
Once in a while I wish that some miracle would change me

I'm ok with the way God made me
I have my days but doesn't everybody
It's not always easy for me to believe in myself
But I gotta remember
I'm always gonna be a better me than anyone else
And God doesn't make mistakes

Mama says I'm special
Calls me her little angel
Yeah, I could almost do no wrong
But I trip and stumble
Guess that's what keeps you humble
But I pick myself up and I carry on
I'll never be a flawless model of perfection
Nobody's perfect and i admit I'm no exception

I'm ok with the way God made me
I have my days but doesn't everybody
It's not always easy for me to believe in myself
But I gotta remember
I'm always gonna be a better me than anyone else
And God doesn't make mistakes

I'm thankful for the rainy days
They only make the sunshine sweeter

I'm ok with the way God made me
I have my days but doesn't everybody
It's not always easy for me to believe in myself
But I gotta remember
I'm always gonna be a better me than anyone else
And God doesn't make mistakes