Dale Carnegie: How To Win Friends and Influence People

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Did anyone ever read this book or attend any Dale Carnegie courses. While I think the book has some good ideas, I don't think it really does more than scratch the surface.

I have the book, read it a bit, but it's more for nt's I figure who wish to expand their already social skills, like a expansion pac for a game you don't own...

I am currently reading the book (½ way).

Besides the fact that it is a little old fashioned, I felt like I have always done the things that is discribed for good social skills: Make the other person feel important, smile, listen genuinely, remember names, etc. I find that ppl back-off when you show to much interest (NT's tend to be paranoid about others intentions) and think it's freaky if you know someone's name without knowing them (I've always had exceptional names and faces memory).

i tried reading the book years ago. never finished it. could be why i have a difficult time 'winning friends and influencing people'? lol...maybe i should give it another go. i have a couple of his books that maybe i should try reading again. maybe they'll do some good this time around.

This book, and so many others of its kind, seem to be written for people who already have good social skills, maybe even for professionals in the speaking business who want to schmooze with their audiences.

Dale or no Dale topic

There is a piece on Genevieve Edmonds, in the WP Home Section, who wrote for Aspies in a similar manner, the issues that Carnegie professed in his book.

By the way, I read this book when I was 12 years old and tried to practice it. NTs were not fooled and told me to stop impersonating Dale Carnegie!

Good topic, Silver Meteor.

I've read the book and have tried taking the course two times. It was painful. In my opinion there was a presupposition of social skills that could be refined. It also reeked of falseness to me. Learn how to remember everyone's name because you can sell more, do better etc if you do. Learn inane social chitchat because you will sell more, do better, succeed etc. Frankly it just smacked of manipulation and falsehood. But, that's my opinion and I'm sure many if not most people see it much differently. I had also taken a seminar in the art of smalltalk. Failed miserably at that as well. This was all before I found out I was an aspie and I was trying desperately to fit in and couldn't understand why I didn't. It makes much more sense now and I'm much less concerned about those things at this point in my life. I talk to very few people these days, the fewer the better. Yeah, perhaps some would think I need to learn how to socialize etc, but I'm much happier understanding and accepting myself the way I am.

I read the book and while it has a lot of good advice it is not intended for Aspies. It is intended for NT's who already have good social skills to show them how to kick those skills up a notch.

What do people think about Temple Grandin's prescription of Aspies going for "social functioning skills" rather than "emotional relatedness"? This has meant a lot to me because it separates two aspects of interpersonal life that get mighty confusing to me. I am much happier knowing a behavior (basic etiquette rules), however rote, that gives tacit respect to another person no matter how little else there is to work with. As others have said, Dale Carnegie seems to be showing NT's how to work with their pre-existing emotional relatedness, however shallow that relatedness may be.


I find it VERY difficult or impossible to get to emotional relatedness through smalltalk and banter. It happens for me through relationships based on real shared tasks. That has meant, for me, not many emotional relationships. That's a lot better than none, but would add up to a paltry sum compared to the Carnegie goals.

What do people have to say about the Grandin approach versus the Carnegie one?

I actually feel that Dale Carnegie was slightly Asperger. Most NTs do not think about this type of stuff, much less formalize it and write a book about it. Carnegie wrote this book because he himself struggled with the issue.

I read the book half way. Much of his advice is widely known these days, so I don't think you need to read the whole book, but I did find the basic premise of the book to be interesting and helpful.

His book was often criticized as cunning, insincere, and manipulative, but that is precisely the reason why many Aspies have problem socializing well. We feel that much of what goes on in NT's world is cunning, insincere and manipulative. We cannot bring ourselves to do it. That is the core of the problem. Once you overcome this moral issue, socializing becomes much easier even for Aspies.

I read the book long ago, not knowing I was aspie, and also had social skills classes a long time ago, which didn't really help me much.

A lot of the time I have been told I should be a better listener, but it's hard to be a good listener when nobody is talking to you.

The book is about being an effective salesman. It's got bugger all to do with social skills, imo.

Hi Sicklee,

I agree with you, but my point is that being "social" in the NT world is actually one and the same thing as being an effective salesman. This is why Aspies have a serious problem with it.

I read it, it's good in theory but it feels so false and I felt like a doormat trying to use those principles. You could be badly taken advantage of if you went around agreeing with everyone and trying to get them to like you. Sometimes that's just not practical! And this book was written for a different time. Points to him for trying though.

I have read the book, it has some good ideas in it. But I am not sure about all of it.

One thing which I do recall is that one part is entitled "if you want to gather honey do not tip the beehive over" (I am likely to have paraphrased that as I am unsure of the exact title).

I think as a rule that is a good idea, if you want something from someone then try not to irk them.

Also the book indicated that if someone has a complaint then pay attention to them and try to reason with them. It gave the example of a wood inspector (a hardwood expert) who was unhappy with a batch of softwood. The man in the book said that rather than getting angry at the wood inspector, it was better to talk to the man and find out what was wrong with the wood.

He suggested asking the man, "is this the wrong grade of wood ? please show me what is wrong with the wood and then we can arrange for a grade which is more suitable for you to be sent". (my paraphrase again)

In the end the wood inspector said that he was being over strict and that the wood was all OK.

While it is a good book I would not say that it is a "fun" book and I am unsure if it would work as well for aspies as it would for NTs.

_________________
Health is a state of physical, mental and social wellbeing and not merely the absence of disease or infirmity I am not a jigsaw, I am a free man !

Diagnosed under the DSM5 rules with autism spectrum disorder, under DSM4 psychologist said would have been AS (299.80) but I suspect that I am somewhere between 299.80 and 299.00 (Autism) under DSM4.