Possibly ableist thought within me I'd like absent

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Hi guys. I would like to say beforehand how I know that the tone of this might be ableist in a way, but that's one reason I've decided to let it be brought up; I'm not too sure about that within myself.

Currently I am doing a high school math course which I did not attain a substantial amount of time ago for reasons like my worldview, not having been able to stand up for myself and factors which were outside of my control such as the attitudes of the ppl who were usually either indifferent to me or shunned me and how of the three math teachers I came across at the first high school I went to, one was "~curmudgeonly",~2 years away from retiring and passing away not long after and another who I feel deeply uncomfortable about was actually a real estate agent and now works at the community college I attend.

Such 'simple factors' led to some very convoluted events which I'm still healing from. An important step towards that imo being actually passing the heavily personalized math course which dozens of teens across the city attain each year, this time with me being aware and developmentally more ready as well as being outside of circumstantial and deterimental improbability.

As I was doing exercises related the course earlier today, I saw someone who might not be developmentally normative and I will admit that a part of me felt repulsed on the inside. I thought about the 'r word', the chagrin inducing learning rate which is different,which I think of as 'slow' and how I can imagine ppl in the first high school I went to using that word on me during the days when I still a shizzlessly scared kid--such silly thoughts from someone who's only been called that once and who has seen 'on the spectrum peers' who I'm different from in terms of functionality.

i would like to say how (not only in terms of developmentally typical behavior) in general, I deeply dislike being compared to other ppl. The nature of self-hood and identity imo are taken for granted and I've misguidedly overpondered/fixated on them over the years but being compared to others (even to say my dad to an extent), esp. after having seen them behave in ways which are off-turning for being coarse,inconsiderate and/or crude with others etc. can repulse me enough to crave to go 'the opposite way' in terms of mentality,attitude and/or behavior to the point that I can overinsulate myself from trying out new things out of fearfulness of offending someone and/or becoming like someone I don't like.

I'll admit how unfortunately,this also applies to being compared to others with developmental issues. Asperger's syndrome isn't as 'conspicuous' a developmental disorder as say Down's syndrome is and nor is it something which is quite as easy to engage with and identify as say an eating disorder, which can eventually 'be worked' around, from what I would guess. To me/in my opinion,it can be annoying* in how it's a 'middle-ground' between diminishing awareness to the point of not realizing how close functionality is to being considered normative and still not being detrimental enough that some ppl might think your exaggerating or that your seriousness about what you do can be called into question.

All things, consider I know I shouldn't be repulsed by how someone who glibly say something disparaging and/or derogatory as to categorize with someone who might have a developmental disorder which is fairly different. I won't become like that and the days of salty jerk teens who are somewhat fueled by divisive psycho-social constructs are long over; i wouldn't really expect that to really be a thing in a work environment I would find myself in.

Any tips good ppl?. I'd appreciate it.

*word I'm reluctant to use lest I become like someone who I used to have feelings for though feel highly conflicted and mixed about now and who I must remind myself isn't relevant to my life anymore; though I make it a thing to not use words glibbly..

I'm not quite sure what you're main point is. Can you summarize it in one sentence what you actually want tips for?

All I can say is yes, sometimes I get slightly creeped out when I see people with visible disabilities and yes, I know it's wrong.

Much appreciation for the reply Ganondox; my main point is what could I do to not be bothered by the thought of how someone could 'demean me' into a category similar to someone who has an impairment different from mine mainly because I have Asperger's syndrome as well as how can I 'not make such a big thing' out of how when it comes to other persons who aren't neuronormative it would also mean persons with Down syndrome as well?.

I still don't quite understand what you are getting at. So you scared that someone will compare your aspergers to having down syndrome? They aren't anything alike, that's all. Someone may or may not make the faulty comparison, but they are still nothing alike, so just remember that.

People with down syndrome aren't neurologically normal either, but they usually aren't autistic.

Thank you very much again Ganondox for your response,it has helped.

I think I know what you're talking about. If you want to look these things up and skip my explanation (mine might suck) I recommend Rosemarie Garland-Thomson's disability theory and "macro" versus "micro" perspectives.

Okay SO...Let's say that you are looking at a group of people closely, from, say, five feet away. You'll notice if some of them have acne, you can see the buttons on their shirts, their shoelaces, if someone has on red lipstick, etc.

If you look at the same group of people from a block away, you'll see less detail. But you can still probably see things like skin and hair color, different clothes, hand and foot movements, etc.

Pull away further and you see less and less detail. So eventually we all look like ants. You can't tell one person from another.

Social groups are like this. If you have a "micro view" of some social groups, you can tell the difference between different neurological "types" of people, such as a cognitively disabled person, an autistic person, a neurotypical person, etc. An individual from, say, Papua New Guinea, would look at the same person you saw and only see a person from a Western Civilization. To them, they are grouping all people who are not from Papua New Guinea together, so they have a macro view, a social view from very far away. One person looks like another person.

It's natural for you to have this feeling that you described. In order to not have it, you would have had to grow up with cognitively disabled people who you had a positive relationship with, OR, you would have to be completely desocialized/socialized in a very, very different society where all people look and act completely different from Western Civilization.