Asking for some advice

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I got a personal problem, I would like to move out of home and start living an independent life. However if I were to move out it would adversely affect my family.

My dad cannot work because he was looking after two sons by himself (9 and 7), which one is moderately mentally disabled. His ex-wife does not pay child support and I have to fork over a large amount of my disability pension to household expenses. I rarely have any money to do activities other than watching TV and surfing the Internet all day long.

If I were to leave, my dad would have to move out of the house we currently live because he would not able to afford it and said he would move back to Tasmania. The trauma of that would probably give my father a heart attack.

I could leave home, if his current girlfriend were to move in, but she been promising that for nearly 3 years and I can't see that happening in the next several years.

If I stay on further more at home, I am unable to express myself and become more self-confident. I pretty much lock myself in room nearly all the time and withdrawn myself from the life of the family. I do not like showing off my family, because of feel ashamed and embarrassed of them. This hurts me a lot in forming friendships, relationships; I’m very reluctant to make friends while I still staying at home.

I would like to get some advice from you.

Move out.

One thing my parents have always told me is do what you must do in life, not what other people want you do do or what you expect you to do.

I personally think it would be a ridiculous decision to stay, let other people hold you back, just because you feel you "should".

Agreed, move out. You are not responsible for holding the entire family up financially or otherwise. That is something for your Father and his ex to work out between them.

While you remain where you are, there is no incentive for anyone to change and take responsibility for themselves. Why is your Dad not chasing up the child support? Is he not entitled to benefits if he cannot work because he is a full-time carer?

Look after yourself first, when you're doing that then you can worry about others.

I'd happily look after my parents if they were old and frail, but not at my own expense. Likewise, your Dad needs to explore other options and not rely on you.

Good luck!

The laws may be different there so I need to ask *why* the ex- isn't paying child support and/or alimony?

If it were me, I'd make arraingments to move out in 4 to six months. That gives your father time enough to firm up his plans around the ex- or the current girlfriend.

You need to live your life, your way.

BeeBee

Edited to fix very bad typo

Newchum,

I think Beebee's advice is good. Without knowing the situation at all, it is quite possible that your father is manipulating you. I would have to believe that he would be quite capable of surviving without you if he had to.

You are being unfairly burdened with responsibilities that are not yours.

Have you ever read Kafka's Metamorphosis? It is about a young man who isolates himself into a world of work and his family's apartment because he does not believe that they could make it without him. He becomes incapable of working (he turns into a beetle) and, to his shock, while treating him with disdain, as they always have, they all go to work and become quite self-sustaining.

He, of course, is no longer capable of leaving because he is no longer self-sustaining.

Don't become poor Gregor Samsa.

GOD YES... YOU SHOULD MOVE OUT!! !! !

You are not your fathers keeper. If you move out it will be added incentive for his girlfriend to move in.

Have you actually spoken to your father about this? That is what I would do in the first instance. Don't jump out and say "I'm moving out" but have a frank discussion with him. Tell him someone suggested moving out to you. Ask him if he thinks it is a good idea. You might be suprised by his answer. If he says NO then ask him why he thinks it is a bad idea. If the only reasons are for his financial benefit then he is being selfish and that is not a good thing from a parent. Your siblings are also not your responsibility but you can offer to provide assistance should you feel it helpful.

The money is there to support you. It is not there to support anyone else.

I think you've been given some very good advice.

You can't be held responsible for your father or your brothers. You should be helping out with household expenses, but you shouldn't be supporting them financially.

This is a dificult situation, newchum.

First of all, your father's ex-wife needs to pay her child support. I am not really familiar with the laws regarding that matter, but I think that she is required to pay it. Even though money is tight, I suggest you and your father seek some legal help on the issue.

Looking after two young children on his own (especially when one needs special attention) must be very difficult for your father, but there might be ways he could possibly work. Do the children attend school? It could be possible for your father to work while the children are there. Is it possible for the children to go to a daycare sort of place, while your father works? Do the two of you have a relative, friend, or neighbour who could watch the children while your father works?

You obviously care a lot about your family, which is wonderful. I think that you should care a little more about yourself, though. Supporting the family financially should not be your responsibility. You must find the balance between living your own life and taking care of your family's needs. I think you should move out. Before you move out, help your father make sure that he is ready and has what he needs to be able to provide for his children.

Have you spoken to him about it though?

It seems to me you've already made your decision.

Sorry I can't re-assure you.. but you have every right to move out. You should give any money you owe, first.

It's not selfish to move out. Alot of people will admire you for talking responsibility for your own life.