"Selling out" in order to fit in with NTs

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I feel like I've been guilty of compromising my integrity and trying to be something I'm not, just to please other people. I've tried to imitate NT behaviors I've noticed, sometimes some not-so-nice NT behaviors, in the hopes that I could seem to be just like everyone else. I've tried making fun of people who were even lower than me in the pecking order. I've tried pretending that I actually care about being a tough guy or a badass. None of it has ever worked though. NTs always somehow end up seeing me as different anyway and I fool no one. I've only cut off possibilities for friendship with other outsiders. I can't help but feel somewhat guilty about this.

Has anyone else done anything similar?

Yes. I'm a traitor to my kind.

*hangs his head in shame*

Of course I've done that, as I think pretty much everyone has from time to time. And it's certainly not limited to aspies, either. NT's sell out to fit in with NT's as well. People talk trash about people behind others backs not because they really want to but because it gives them a sense of power and people love uniting in their negativity... NT's try to act tough even when they aren't just to save face. Happens all the time.

I would never do that, in my lifetime. I enjoy my genuine individuality, though it will keep me from getting most jobs. I didn't wake up and decide to become a mild, soft-core Punker, because "I want to be cool." I've decided to become the person that I am today, due to the fact that I happen to love England, music and the Late 1970s, and I happened to be born in the 70s, (my favourite decade). Why would I like to be a middle of the road preppy or Mod, like the rest of the 30 somethings, in my town, just to blend in, which I don't want to do. I allow myself to be different from most young Canadians, because I am.

If being normal is your thing, I say 'Go for it'.

I've done this before as well.

Developing a willingness to make a compromise with others is an essential part of maturity.

It's sort of like being a chamelion (sorry about the spelling), I think. You imitate your surroundings, but people can still see that you are different. Everybody has "sold out" a some time or another. Don't worry about it too much. If you don't like your self when you try to conform, then, please, don't conform! I realized that I "couldn't" fit in in third grade, and, with various periods of vacillation since then, I have basically gone out of my way to make sure that everyone knows I am different. I'ts not like I introduce myself by saying "Hi, I'm aspie," but I don't want people to assume I'm normal either. I dress a little (or a lot, edpending on the day) strangely, I make sure I have at least a few interests that my friends don't have, and I deliberately use odd speach patterns and idioms. If you "have to" (and this can only be determined by you) be different, do so boldly!

Cheers.

When I see some person being mocked there’s sometimes a slight “tug” in my mind to want to join in and add an insult. The person being ostracized might be a jerk but I still don’t feel right joining in with a group of mockers. I feel guilty about joining in such mob behavior.

No matter how hard I try to act normal, I always end up doing something that demonstrates that I'm a bit "off". In all social situations I either bore everyone else (when I remain reserved out of fear of doing/saying something incredibly stupid) or I make a complete fool of myself (when I actually try to participate in others' conversations). It's a lose-lose situation and, as a result, I've been avoiding all social interaction for a few years now except with my family and with people at Internet message boards.

Is bullying a definite must to 'fit in'? I know there are people that do not bully and do not pretend to be tough and that are, nevertheless, respected and appreciated.

?

If you're male it more or less is. Young NT males don't seem to value being "nice" that highly. They see it as a sign of weakness.

It isn't just NT males. NT females bully just as much or even more in my experience. The worst part is that adult female's always think they're justified in their bullying. They have a nasty tendency to gang up on people verbally. They tend to be the most annoying cliquey group thinkers.

NT females have never really been mean to me, although I've always felt as if I have absolutely nothing in common with most of them. I guess the fact that I generally don't even try to flirt with girls because I know I won't succeed helps.

I usually take the other side, defending the underdog. I think I turn people off this way--but it gets them to think about their shallowness (maybe). Or, they just avoid me.

I can't stand gossiping--it's exhausting and serves no purpose whatsoever.

I tend to attract gossipers--not sure why. I do hate it though.


Chances are this same person will talk about you when you're not around. Never trust a gossiper.

yeah I've done that. I don't think it's wrong because fitting in seems to be so freaking important in the workplace, and it's survival. No, I never mastered the art of it. I found my best way to get accepted is to keep my mouth shut and ask a lot of questions as every NT loves talking about himself. People will immediately like you because you listen, and you haven't given anything away about yourself to make them think you are different that way as well. But it is really hard to keep it going longer than a week or two at a time.

One thing I noticed is my genuine heart that tries to do the right thing, always, has seemed to win people over more than anything, but it's one of those things in the long run type thing, and it also attracts people who use people. I just stay true to that at the least, and that helps out a lot. What I'm working on now is trying to communicate better so that I'm not misunderstood. That's the biggest thing is that NTs never seem to understand my intentions, and it's probably because I speak a different language if that makes sense. I did spend years analyzing them just to try to understand them, and I can now read people like a book (some people think I'm psychic because of it). i just can't communicate to them and get them to read me right. Let me tell you, analyzing NTs like the National Geographic analyzes the animal kingdom is a very boring thing to do. Those people have a brain of a turnip, and it really feels like you just stepped into the looking glass and is actually sitting there with the mad hatter drinking tea while the queen of hearts is trying to find you to cut off your head. I wonder if whoever wrote that was an Aspie.

This is from a paper I wrote last year, and I didn't paste the bibliography cause it's really long.

Many studies have been performed regarding bullying in the schools. Nansel, Overpeck, Pilla, Ruan, Simons-Morton, & Scheidt (2001) showed that bullying was more common between grades 6-8 than 9-10th grade (as cited in Chapell et al., 2004). A bullied child exhibits reactions such as school avoidance, low self-esteem, anxiety, depression, and thoughts of suicide more so than those who weren’t bullied (Chapell et al.). According to a few studies (Glendenning, 2001; O’Moore, Seigne, McGuire, and Smith, 1998; Quine, 2001; Rayner, 1997), bullying takes place beyond high school occurring more often in adult, office environments (as cited in Chapell et al.). According to a few studies (Baldry & Farrington, 1998; Olweus, 1980; Rigby, 1996), authoritarian parenting methods are correlated to child bullies (as cited in Chapell et al.). For college aged adults (n=1,025), 60% saw another student being bullied by another student while 44% saw teachers doing the bullying (Chapell et al.).