Handling Disrespect

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How do you handle being disrespected, when people are just outwardly disrespectful? (Not regarding your autism, just in general.)

If they're not my friends, I'd just try to ignore them.

If they are my friends, I'd raise the issue in a calm voice whenever they start again and preferably not in a group setting. Just to let them know I'm not interested in playing along. Then try to change the subject.

It all depends on what mood I'm in. If I was just fine before that, I'll usually come up with a good come-back. But if I was already upset, I'll most likely resort to physical violence.

Most of the time I walk away. The only problem I have is when some people won't "let" you walk away...then it's like a ticking time bomb.

I often cry (though I try to do it later, rather than in front of the person), either because I feel hurt or to release frustration. I don't tend to get angry; if I scream at someone it's because I'm in a meltdown.

I don't go down quietly.

Last edited by LiendaBalla on 14 Apr 2008, 11:32 am, edited 1 time in total.

I'd like to be able to just shoot it right down. Especially if it's undeserved, or if it's mouthing off from someone I am trying to help or something like that.
However, I just don't have that kind of confidence. I shut down. I just... well, stop talking to the person, or equivocate and trail off. I hate that I do it. I just don't feel like it's my place to correct them, even if in many cases it is, or that I should anyway because it's my right not to be disrespected. I need some training!

It depends on the type of disrespect, the intention behind it, the offender and secondary, on my mood.

But you already limited it to disrespect that's not directed at autism. I can also say I most often have no idea what to do about severe bullying of a group directed at me as a stand-alone person. That's disrespect in a sense too, if they implore your weakness/autistic issues. I'm willing to do everything, but nothing works.

Seriously, no idea what to do about it - kicking their butts badly only ever resulted in me taking the blame... utterly crazy...

About normal disrespect:

If it is an unintended disrespect, I'll just comment in a way that makes the other stop in track and explain the issue. If it is intended, I'll either let it slip or not let it slip depending on the following:

If the offender has no further impact on my life, I usually do not care. If the offender has any impact on me that affects me negatively and limits me, then I'm not willing to back down. How I go about it depends on my mood:

If I think the patience is worth it, I'll just explain the whole thing by carefully manipulating the other into what reasoning I see fit. If, however, I'm in the right mood and also think this whole matter is a waste of energy, I'll get verbally abusive right back. Which usually means that I win, because I know exactly where to hit somebody worst.

I either don't care, or say something sarcastic/witty back. Usually the second if it's a friend.

if its not a friend i shut down and if that continues i meltdown

If I don't have the energy to be verbally abusive then I just fart in their general direction.

Short Version

I've learned to deal with it with patience and dignity. When someone makes a habit of treating other people disrespectfully, they often do so in pursuit of an emotional reaction. Some find this gratifying in and of itself. Others use these emotional reactions to manipulate or gain social power. I have found that it is important to react in a way that communicates that you are not affected emotionally by the disrespect - that you are secure enough to be immune to it.

Long Version (with story)

Recently, I had an experience that tested my ability to deal with disrespect effectively. I moved to a new city and stayed with a "friend" for a week until I found another place to live. He turned out to be a classic narcissist who habitually manipulated others. While I was there, he treated me very disrespectfully, as though I was the most disgusting thing he had ever seen, and yet when I would offer to leave and stay in a motel, he would become offended and beg me to stay.

On the long drive to my new location, I heard a radio interview with the author of a book on how to deal with narcissists. Her main point was what I said above - narcissists manipulate people by provoking emotional reactions and then playing with those emotions. So for the entire week of non-stop disrespect and other attempts to provoke me, I stayed completely calm and reserved. I was polite and distant with him, just as a waiter might be to a rude customer. Because I knew what to expect from him, I did not let it get to me. Instead, I only let it affect my impression of him. Therefore, he was hurting himself by damaging his own reputation and he was not successfully hurting me.

This was effective. When it became clear that he could not get a reaction from me or manipulate me in any other way, he changed his mind about a number of things. He had been talking about how I should be his girlfriend and/or his roommate. He lost interest in these ideas and he started to spend less time with me - going out all day and all night, leaving me alone in his apartment. I certainly couldn't complain about that!

After I moved out, he wanted me to work for him part-time. I feigned interest for a while and then changed my phone number without telling him.

Tell me you peed in his lemonade while he was gone. Lie to me if you must - I'll believe you.

It really depends on who is disrespecting me. I can't just go off on people. I'm a pretty muscular guy, and when I am angry, I intimidate whether I mean to or not. That's not an appropriate reaction to a woman, or in the workplace, so in those instances I usually just either play straight with a "are you almost done" or if I have one I'll cut them down with a comeback. In social situations, though, and if it's a guy, I've been known to make it clear the disrespect is heading towards a physical resolution. It doesn't often go there once that is on the table.

I usually do nothing but seethe with rage the rest of the day. Sometimes I take my anger out on the wrong person if they irritate me later on.

Depending on the situation and the person i either reply with something witty/sarcastic,nothing at all, or something friendly.

May I suggest getting aggressive with some spray cheese? Nothing says "I disrespected marshall" like a bunch of orange goopy stains.