DevonB wrote:
Every so often, without any volition of my own, I'd blurt out a phrase, "it's wrong, that colour is wrong," or "it's bad, very bad," and I couldn't help it at all.
Yes, those sound like the phrases I come out with when in heat of moment, confronted with an environmental discomfort.
DevonB wrote:
It was almost as if my brain couldn't process what colour the first one was. It wasn't brown, or red, or pink, or terra cotta, it wasn't anything. But it was BAD. Until it was covered up, I was a mess.
Now I feel like an idiot, like I should have been able to control it. Anyone else have this, or something similar happen? What do you do? Can you control it? Do you feel stupid if you can't? I feel so bad for my partner...
The most obvious instance I can call to mind is old, but still...at my 5th birthday my mother handed out "party favors"-felt birds on pipe cleaners. Each one had two different colors. I hated the one she gave me-it had dull boring ugly colors. I "threw a fit", was inconsolable, wanted another bird-not the one I'd been assigned/given. My mother got mad & exiled me from my own party & made me go stay in the back room by myself for remainder of time.
I didn't have dx back then. Have had plenty of similar reactions since then, but none have stuck with me so intensely as that one from childhood. It takes me a day or a week to get used to haircut of my partner or of my therapist.
Some things I can't ever get used to. Along the lines of what you said, I just keep muttering, "it's not okay, it'll never be okay-it's just wrong !". Color does have f/x in my opinion & experience, and not merely basic colors, but minor (to other people's eyes) variations, shades, hues, subtle distinctions. I draw "art"-color is big deal to me, and I notice tiny differences between visual stimuli.
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*"I don't know what it is, but I know what it isn't."*