Autistic brother needs help, parents won't help him.

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My 12 yr old brother Tyler was diagnosed when he was 5 with moderate-severe autism. I was 13 at the time he was diagnosed.

My problem is that he is not in school, he has never had any help (therapy), and his mother won't try to change it. I live with my mother and I am tired of my brother's life wasting away cuz she won't do anything to help him.

This is their day: Wake up at 1pm. Go for rides around the town at 2pm for about an hour. Come back home. My mother does her chores and feeds him. Once she is done with that, she hops in the shower. Then its straight to the computer from about 6pm-2am playing games and chatting. The only time she gets up is to give him a bath or feed him. Then at 3am, they start getting ready for bed and usually fall asleep at 5am. My brother spends his time on the computer and watching tv all day.

She has stopped teaching him. She has stopped discipling him. She has even rarely stopped paying attention to what he does like getting into things. she hasn't really taught him anything in 6 yrs.

He has no contact or interaction with the outside world except for the hour ride..when they pull up to mcdonalds to get food. Thats it. He has no control over his impulses or tantrums. Besides some little things that he has learned, he still acts most like he did when he was 6 or 7. There has been no real change.

My mother and I have argued for years over this, and as I have gotten older, I actually see what she is doing to him. Our fights have gotten worse. Thats why I am moving out soon with my best friend. She won't even consider what I have to say. She also will not take advice from any one person even the trained professionals with autistic children.

I try and teach him things here and there, but it doesn't do any good if she doesn't do it too.

I've already typed this once but it closed out so I don't remember half of what I wrote. So I am trying to get everything said in as short a post as I can.

I'm just wondering what I need to do? I know I'm not his mother and I'm not in the position right now for custody, but I want more for him. I've heard that most autistics end up in an institution if they can't control themselves. I don't want that to happen. I just know that if she doesn't help him soon, that it might be that way. I or anyone else can't get through to her. Even though he is autistic, I see so much potential for more and I want to at least give him a chance to see how much better he can be. But he is getting older, into his teenage years, and is still getting no help whatsoever. I am scared for him in the future and even now. There has got to be some way to give him at least a chance at life, even though my mother won't. She says she cares, and I believe she does, but not enough to help him. I'm just going out of my mind and worrying so much about it. I just don't know what to do or who to talk to. I can't talk to my mother.

It may be necessary to get in touch with Child Protective Services. If your brother has not been taught socialization skills or had any schooling or proper nutrition, then the neglect does not seem like it can do anything but harm him. Yeah, make the call. It may cause some discomfort with other family members, but his long term welfare is very likely at stake. Do it.

A question, is that "all" he is capable of, and is he happy with doing what he's doing?

12 is fairly young; is there a reason why he cannot attend classes? I'm sure he'd be able to attend a special school, but if that is too much for him, and he has a "valid" reason for staying home, I guess it's on your mother to teach him, as you said. He might not want socialization, or contact with the outside world, but I don't know him.

In the end, there's not much one can do for autistic individuals other than supporting them via special education and job placement (government housing too); O, and keeping the environment calm and as routine orientated as possible.

He does want to be sociable. thats one of the things that saddens me. He has a video camera and will record kids playing outside, then watch it again later and laugh. You can see he wants to join in, but he can't cuz he doesn't know how to be around ppl. He has never had interaction with others besides my mother, his father, and me.

he is more capable of doing other things. he is capable of being deceptive, i know that. i don't know how to explain it, but he does lots of things just to get a reaction out of us. he is also very smart like with computers. but he gets bored and he takes it out by getting into things just to have something to do. he can't come and just tell us, but you can see it in him.

It is his mother's job to teach him how to deal with things....only thing is that she is not doing that even a little bit. He has a valid reason for not being in school just for the reason that he's never been in that environment. but he needs to be for his own good.

it is neglect. a different kind but it is. the only reason i have not called someone yet is cuz i live with my mom and if i do call right now i will be out of the house in a instant with nowhere to go. and no money. that is why i'm doing everything i can to get on my own. as soon as i do that in a few months, then more than likely i will call someone. cuz by then i won't have to worry about what consequences my mother will give me. i want him to have help no matter what. i'm just afraid that if i do, i will never get to see him again, my mom won't let me if she knows that i did it. i have to see him, it is hard to be around him sometimes, but i love him so much, i just can't see never being around him again.

my mother is not going to see it. or she is in denial or something. i'm just afraid that by the time she understands whats happening, it'll be too late.

I don't think he needs to go to school to seek socialization, especially if he cannot handle the school environment.

I remember reading that it's a good idea to setup "play dates" for autistic individuals who're unable to go out of their way to interact with others on their own. If it's structured and all planned out, especially if he has the desire to interact with others, it might be a good idea to look into such. If he and you can handle it, perhaps you could have him interact with you and your friend together at first, this should be safe for everyone, and he can learn boundaries and "appropriate" behavior with people other than the family.

I just met an autistic gal who had been thought mentally ret*d. She had tested at an IQ of 29. But then her therapist taught her to use a "LightWRITER" (and no cheating too - I watched In real life). Seems her trouble was communication difficulties all the while.

She actually has an IQ of 133 and is going for a master's degree in history.

Your mom is stealing your brother's chances. Please call Child Protective Sercices. This may not help - but he deserves the chance!

And thank you so much for caring enough to come here and communicate with us.

It could be defined as educational neglect. You may want to consider the call to Child Protective Services. Keep these facts in mind.
-They are not allowed to tell mother who made the call, only that a call was made.
-They will only investigate and if there is nothing wrong then they move on.
-More than likely they will go in and do nothing or go in and suggest ways to help or they will force her to send him to school or do something educationally appropriate for him.

You are not doing the wrong thing by looking out for your brother, but I'm sure this feels like a big step. Take the pressure off yourself to get mom to do what you think needs to be done. If your gut says "this is wrong" then it likely is and this is one way you can help. It will take the pressure off of yourself. Make the call and let someone else come in and see if it's what's happening is appropriate or if they can get him into a program/school/therapy/something.

Anyway, that's my 2 cents..

Being the child (in this case), you shouldn't have to be the one acting as the parent! Your'e already doing that by worrying about his future. I'm sorry. It's not your fault.

Homeschooling might be in his best interest if he doesn't know how to cope with certain enviroments. However, if she's not even doing that (and even preventing it), she's going to need to face it the hard way, one time or another!

Other family members? Well, don't expect them to be understanding or supporting. Chances are, some will side with the mother. Some people think the "mother knows best" mentality is true in an unconsious way.

You do what you must, but also consider taking care of your own sanity. You didn't diserve all of that yourself, after all. imo, it would be pretty normal to feel responcible in one way, and helpless in another. It's very hard to go against one's own athority figure. If you are brave and strong enough to do it, then by all means...

I agree with the sentiment in this thread, get child protective services. Your Mother sounds like she is letting your brother mentally rot because of the assumption that low-functioning autistics are mentally ret*d.

hi schoolshrinkerin Erin,

welcome on WP, nice to see a professional join

useful website to boot,
not just a pretty lady i gather

This whole situation is just so sad. I cried when I read your post Lipsofanangel2005. I have 2 boys on the spectrum, and I could not imagine treating them that way.

Where is the father? Is there anyone family at all that you could gather up, and stage some sort of intervention to wake your mom up? If not, then I'm afriad that your only option may be to call CPS on the basis of educational neglect.

I know of someone else this sort of thing was happening to.

Unfortunately, while people considered calling CPS, they realized it wouldn't do any good, because the parents would just say that she was "ret*d" and "autistic" and therefore couldn't learn any rules or anything, even though it was clear from other environments that she could, they just refused to teach her any because they didn't want her to get mad at them.

While in a "normal" kid this would've been considered neglect, it wasn't considered that for her, and last I heard she was turning out very unhappy (because of there being no boundaries at all set for her, and because she realized they weren't helping her learn enough for the real world) and very spoiled.

u should at least try it ..even he dont like to be sosial..but thats autism..u are forcet to do it or u are in big trouble in time u hit 10

There are other family members. But from what i understand, they don't think she will ever face it, until something happens to make her face it. Actually everyone I talk to agree with me, but they say that she's got to realize it and I've just got to shut my mouth. But my brother's wellbeing is at stake here, so I really have a hard time doing that.

His father is in his life but barely. He agrees to some point how I feel, but for some reason he is afraid or lazy or something why he won't do something I don't know.

And he is enrolled in home school. But the thing is, there is no schooling going on whatsoever.

I know she is the mother and it should be her place and time to face it. But i don't want my brother's chance at some sort of a better life to be ruined if she doesn't. Everytime I try and talk to her, it turns into a screaming fight. And yes I've been branded with jealously, spoiled, and just wanting things my way. I do get jealous, but its human nature.

I wish I could get her to just sit and talk, calmly. But it never happens that way. I have always known what was going on, but never actually realize it until I started living with her 4 years ago. I lived with my grandmother until 18. I have lived majority of the time with mom ever since and I saw what was actually taking place.

Don't get me wrong, she wasn't always this way. When he was diagnosed, she did teach him things...for about a year. She was even gonna put him in school, but didn't like their teaching so he never went in. Basically everything slowly stopped happening when we got our second computer. After we got that, she spends majority of her day on it and doing nothing else. Its a "you don't bother me, I don't bother you situation" with her and him. If he interrupts any of her time on the comp., she gets aggravated. I just always kept wishing the computer would totally crash so she would have to deal with him like I do. I play with him as much as possible, unless he just doesn't want to be bothered.

Once I move out of her house, so I'm not on the street...I am going to call someone. Even if its anonymous though, she will know who called. She just will. And oh lord I can just imagine what she will do as far as me never getting to see him. If things with me get stable, I may even try to petition for custody. I know I'm young and still have things I need to do for me first. But if I had custody, then I'd know for sure that he was gonna get the help he needed.

When he is older, social services will be able to help him; find him a place to live, work [if he can handle it], and other "basics".

One must remember, mainstream schooling may not be for him, whether special, homeschooling, or otherwise. There's many ways for autistic individuals to learn practical knowledge that is far more useful for them than anything that's taught at school.

Does he refuse to be taught? I ask, for I do [and did], and I'm a 6 year old boy who looks like a 26 year old man.

mainstream schooling may or may not be the way for him, but it doesn't sound like the current situation is best for him. lips- you are in a difficult situation and should be commended for what you are trying to do with your brother. I wish you the best, and your brother and hope that you will be able to find peace in this situation and do what is right for your brother and yourself.

thanks oblio