"She didn't make him feel nervous by acting as though h

Post Reply New Topic

...e was"

The title of this post is a quote from a book I've recently read; If Nobody Speaks of Remarkable Things, by Jon Macgregor. The character being discussed ("him") is a young man who, because of a problem with dry eyes, blinks a lot.
The words really resonated with me because this happens to me all the time. I will be talking to someone, or sitting there doing nothing, and someone will tell me to "relax" or "don't be so nervous". My first reaction is puzzlement, because in most cases I'm either happy (if I'd been being left alone), euthymic, bored (in a typical social setting), or, at worst, very overstimulated. My second reaction is to gradually become more and more nervous. This nervousness would not happen (or at least would be very greatly reduced if people didn't misinterpret my body language as nervousness and try and help me with it.

I can't really blame them, as my normal body language looks like a "normal" person's nervous habits. I was watching a couple of my piano students yesterday, and I had to laugh, because I was thinking "No wonder people think I'm nervous!"

A brief comparison will give people an idea of what I mean:

The above is only a brief sample. The point I'm trying to make is that body language that in "normal" people would be interpreted as "nervous" is for me almost always not nervous, but either

1. Excited

2. Happy

3. Bored

4. Waiting for a bus (something about it sets me off stimming like mad)

5. Just movements that happen automatically.

My body language for anxiety is totally different from this. If you see me

1. Very hunched over

2. With my head down

3. With my hands over my ears

4. Looking like I'm trying to burrow backwards through a wall (means that I'm after proprioceptive input)

5. All of the above

It's a good indication that something is bothering me. It could be nerves, overload, worries about a situation in my life...

Does anyone else have this problem where people misinterpret their body language and make them nervous by trying to help?

Yes.


I am seen as either ...angry,unhappy,tired,uptight,to intense, regaurdless of my internal feelings. Sometimes they are right but I am not aware of it but mostly it is the opposite of what I am feeling. I have been told that I scowl a lot, like I am pissed off when I am just concentratinig on something or lost in thought.

This is one reason it is difficult for me to communicate with a therapist. They are trained to read NT body language and often tell me that I am out of touch with my emotions because I may smile when recounting some thing that was negative. They do not seem to believe that I didn't feel much about the incident when it occured and feel no connection to it now. I get upset about many things...I'm not a feelingless robot but if I don't get upset about the same things they do...it's called "denial". If I try and explain my thought process, of why I'm not upset by soemthing...I'm told I'm intellectualizing . I suppose when I would get upset at them for not believing my self-report of my feelings...they would assume that I was just projecting the "repressed feelings" onto them instead of that I was actually frustrated with them for projecting "their emotional reactions to situations" onto me.....If you aren't crazy before you go to a therapist, you will be by the time they are done with you,(good intentions aside).


If people see me as nervious...they are correct, it just may have nothing to do with them but do to over-stimulation from the environment. I am the opposite of many people who do a lot of stimming, (other then hand ringing and rubbing my upperlip), I often "freeze" around people and hold my breath...a bundle of tightly wound energy.

People sometimes don't get that I can fill in holes of letters with a pen and still take in what is being said till I throw it all back at them. I'm not nervous when I shake my leg or tap my fingers, It's just what I do. The alternative for me at a safety meeting or boring training session can sometimes be dozing off.

I have a tendency to frown when I'm happy (mainly because I'm at my happiest when I'm lost in thought). People tell me to cheer up.


I have this problem too. Once I'm out of a bad situation (unless it was particularly traumatic), the feelings associated with it disappear. If things are ok, then (usually), I'm ok.



I've never understood why intellectualising should be a problem. Surely it's more productive than constantly emoting?




Yes, exactly. My mannerisms are not nervous mannerisms, they are Rachel mannerisms.
I tend to stim when meetings or talks get boring; the alternative for me isn't actually dozing off, but there comes a point where my ability to pay attention burns out and I can't process any of what is being said. Stimming helps me focus and stay "in the room".