I feel its vital that people share there experiences: If you really want to understand read as much as you can by people on the autism spectrum here is a part of my journey - which I would like to share with you...
Making Sense:
As I piece together the broken memories of my past, will add some of them here... compare comparables of what may have been, make sense of what has been and while untangling, will merge the broken parts to refit, in the hope that with deeper understanding, change and growth may occur..
I have been thinking a lot about my teens and early adulthood, the effects of my upbringing and not knowing I was on the Autism Spectrum... I guess, whatever my past, and what happen then was then and I would not be me now without these experiences, but was its my insecurities that lead me on my life journey...
Of course, there never is any going back we all move on. I guess I grew up with good, bad, painful.. - the usual mix for any other young adult you could say , but so much of mine has been extreme, difference, just not like everyone else. Was it that I was ashamed, knew I could achieve much more but never did, but I have felt the need to keeps parts a secret, who knows what will happen if I go back and lift the lid!
Some may stay there forever... some I may share... and revisiting some of these experiences with you, maybe will help me understand who I really am today...
What really got me thinking was watching a film last night and I could see parallels with my own life, and understood why these people felt like outsiders, just as I had for far too long...
The film was a war film and I could really see the similarities with soldiers returning from war and feeling at odds with the world. Others often not really seeing, or wanting to see things that they find hard to talk about, let alone really understand. Should parts of our unavoidable life which could be viewed wrongly be kept as unspoken words, or do we release what we may not understand ourselves. Maybe this is meant only for me and my growth, where will it lead I ask.
My situation may be different to others on the autism spectrum; we are all different anyway so still feel what I have to say is relevant. I have seen and dealt with things as a child, that some adults would find hard to understand, I know I am not alone in this. Having thoughts which are yours alone, do you keep those secrets forever and how and who do you share with, not wanting to effect other lives incorrectly….
But do feel at times like those soldiers who return as a lost empty shell, who no longer feel they fit and find most "norm" NTs find us hard to truly relate. OK, you could say this may be a little extreme, but then soldiers at war stories are all different from mild to extreme, but still there world is often separate from the real one, in some respects I feel this is the same often for those on the autism spectrum, still far too many lost lonely souls.. .
Where it can often seem like there is a blank screen between us and the narrow-mindedness of a lot of people, preferring to keep at arm’s length what they do not understand. I am trying to get just some of you to think outside your safe boundaries, the way we view things now - may change in the future, hopefully. And just maybe by discussing things in a different way, can help others see from another point of view.
I know there are people who feel I should get on with my life, stop making a fuss. But this is my life, well new one since being diagnosed last year. So many things have changed since being diagnosed, at first it did feel like that solider returning from war, with it came a grieving time, dark grey sadden like a lost soul. But now, I no longer want to stay in the shadows, and like a caged bird being set free for the first time, I want to explore…
Where do you start when its feels like you have been transformed from an NT into an Apsie. Aspergers syndrome less than 1 year ago I had never even heard of, and had no idea there was a whole range of autistic disorders. It’s difficult to detect and even harder to explain, especially if as the majority see it you look like a “normal” person, and people do expect you to act like a normal person.
On the outside, I look perfectly normal. On the inside at times total confusion and turmoil, and that was the problem “it” was invisible, it’s a part of me and always will be. Being diagnosed had enabled me to understand myself a whole lot more, it also explains some of my differences growing up and is allowing me to at last just be who I always should have been!
By making sense of me, maybe you can start to see things from my point of view. I don't need to be pitied. I don't need anyone's sympathy. I just need people to understand why I act the way I do at times, and to accept me for the way I am.
I cannot help but wonder what if I had known and understood, was accepted and embraced from birth. Instead of struggling through life, on the edge. Feeling I had to continually explain, justify for not being the same, over analyzing what I never knew. I grow up wanting to be in the stoplight, needing to be good to fulfill a void, a need that somehow never was.
How beautiful it is to at last be able to snuggle up and allow myself passing moments to shut out the world as I once knew it, and from time to time, dream of a day when I no longer feel the need to think about how I should act, but just am.
This journey is not complete, so will be adding some more soon... remember to revisit...
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Copyright © 2008 Alyson Bradley www.Asplanet.info - Aspergers Parallel Planet
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26 Apr 2008, 1:27 am
