Parents with AS?

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To those of you with AS who have kids...

This is something i have been thinking about for a while. I have a 1 year old daughter. I love her to death and she brings me much joy. But sometimes, i feel like i just wanna sit down and research something or other instead of being with her/taking care of her. I dont do it of course, but its in the back of my mind constantly. It leads me to feeling bad, cause is this really supposed to be this way? I love spending time with her, but i often feel like i want breaks. Me and my bf dont really have a network so to speak, just our families. My bf also has issues, hes diagnosed AVPD. So there isnt really much socializing going on here. My daughter is outside with us, but not nearly as much as most of the parents who have small children take their children out (or so i feel). I feel like sometimes we are failing our daughter in not being able to properly manage the housework, taking her outside and stuff like that.

Also, i have a tendancy to stay up late. I can never sleep. So most of the time i stay up till like 3am, and i know i have to get up with her around 7am. This is a big problem, cause ill be tired and i dont have the energy i should have to take care of her. Makes me feel like an idiot a whole lot of the time really. On the other side, i cant really help it as i get obsessed with something and just cant sleep...

I had a huge depression right after my daughter was born, which i now think was brought on because i couldnt really pursue my interests the first couple of months. My daughter had colic and hardly ever slept (which gave me something to research though, colic) but of course it was draining cause we hardly slept either.

I was wondering how parents diagnosed with AS have felt that they have handled becoming moms/dads? I feel inferior sometimes...

The key is how does your DAUGHTER feel about this? At 1yo, of course, she is probably too young to really care.

I dont really show any signs of me wanting breaks and i never would. As for the socializing part, im hoping it will pick up when she starts kindergarden. I cant really help the fact that we dont know people right now..

My sleeping problem i feel i handle quite ok, except that im tired. But i dont really think she notices that either. I always take care of her, and i have never done something that would hurt her in any way. I love her to bits, and i just want whats best for her.

I think that is actually "normal"--in other words, NT moms feel the same way. They're not necessarily wanting to research something, but wanting to go out with their friends, or watch a TV show, or go out to a romantic dinner with their husbands... From all the moms I've known I've learned that mothering is wonderful but it's also stressful, and getting breaks is important, whether it's the latest romance movie or a four-hour Wikipedia binge. Most moms occasionally resent their kids for taking up so much time; but like you, they don't let it affect the quality of their caretaking. If you are feeling stressed, it might be a good idea to get a sitter so that you can go and get some of that research done. Every mom needs occasional breaks. Parental stress affects the child's quality of life, after all.

Wonder if you could shift your daughter's schedule forward a few hours, let her be a little more nocturnal? As long as she gets enough sleep, on the whole, it won't hurt her if she stays up later and sleeps in a bit.

Thank you for that reply. I was really wondering whether this was normal or if im just acting like a lunatic. Sometimes not knowing many people (moms in this case) can be a bit hard, as i have nothing to compare things to. Im glad to learn that im not completely insane, cause i really feel that i try my best. Thanks again

I felt the same when first had children, it can be a huge problem for new mothers on the autism spectrum, we are not so good at having so much chnage all at once, then the noise and all the other things...

I like you never seem to sleep much and know this does not help, as it is important to have good sleep especially with small children. I think partly the reason like you when mine were young I stayed up so late was to give myself that much needed space, time to myself which us aspies seem to need.

Like you I loved my children, but also found it hard having them all of a sudden dictate my life, no longer being able to control when I did things... if like me you also have a mind that never seems to shut down, often what helps is researching and focusing on things, but this is extremely difficult with young children, do not feel bad or be too hard con yourself as things will get easier..

We do learn to adapt and change with our children, my older one even turned out a little like me an aspie too, bonus so now I feel responisble for the next generation of little aspies

A thread I started a while ago, Aspie parents you may find helps a little:
http://asplanet.info/forum/index.php?topic=83.0
Were some great threads on wrongplanet a while ago, sorry can not find...

Please contact me direct or on above thread, if feel it will help I am happy to help you

Thank you so much asplanet!

Im relieved to see im not the only one, and you were so dead on spot. You managed to say everything i felt in a single post. Its hard adapting to new routines, and especially when its such a demanding task as taking care of small children. You cant really press pause and then have some free time. I feel im handling everything better now, but sometimes it just leaves me with this drained feeling. Like i need some free time. Lucikly my mother is here every now and then, so i get a few spare hours. I certainly feel like i would go insane without them.

Unlike most NT mother though, i dont have the need to go out and socialize, i mean... I prefer to stay at home and pursue my interests. So i guess my daughter is lucky in one sense, as her mother is always here if she needs her. I LOVE her, but i guess i just had some problems adapting to the fact that i couldnt do whatever i wanted anymore. I have hardly read since she was born, and that is one of my big interests. I just cant read with her crawling around, cause i cant concentrate on both her and a book at once. And she sleeps in our bedroom still, so reading at night is also a nono. Some things takes some time getting used to i guess.

Thanks again for your reply, ill have a look at that thread as well

Edit: I just read something about babies crying in that thread and yeah, i always felt like i cant let my baby cry either. Never. Its just not an option. I cant stand her crying and i will do anything i can to comfort her when she does. I remember sitting up when she had colic, holding her and rocking her for hours on end. My baby has never been left crying alone.

Could you try and get some books on tapes from the lybrary? I never thought I would enjoy these because I hated listening to teachers read in class but it turned out I could follow the story when it was read to me. That way, you could keep your eyes on her but still have the story streaming into your head.

Aha, thats a good idea and i think ill try that and see how it works out! Thanks

I agree with Callista about many of your feelings being... well normal. Having a little person with so many needs all of the sudden is such a dramatic change. I've read so many parenting magazines that had articles in them that sounded so much like your post. I can tell that you're an excellent mother just by the way you are so conscientious about sounding as if you're neglecting your child. I know that I personally don't care much about what other people think of me, except when it comes to parenting. Somebody could crush my self esteem by attacking the way I mother my children.

If anything I think you're being too hard on yourself. You're worrying so much about whether spending enough time with your daughter, and such. From the sounds of it you're spending tons of time doting on her. (For the record, this is also a big worry that I've heard from many other new moms.) If you baby proof your house, maybe even get baby gates ect.. there's nothing wrong with sitting in the living room with your daughter, or close by, while reading or researching. If you get too distracted, and the little one wonders off momentarily, then the gates, and such should be a good safety measure. She will play by herself for a little while, and it's healthy for her to learn to entertain herself for short periods of time.

It also helps to get some kind of a schedule. Like, I always take my kids out to play (during the months when it's nice enough to be outside) at a specific time, usually after supper. Also, I have a specific day of the week that my husband watches the kids when he gets home from work. As soon as he gets home on Wednesday night the kids are all his, and I get the night off. Like you, I prefer to read, and research more then going out, but at least this way I have a few undisturbed hours in which to do this that's a part of my routine.

There's a program called Parent's AS Teachers that is nationwide. I think every school district has one. It's for children birth to age three. They hold playgroups every month, sometimes more frequently. I took my kids to our local one. I admit, it was torture for me, but I felt like it was the only social outlet for them. Here's a link if you're interested http://www.parentsasteachers.org/site/pp.asp?c=ekIRLcMZJxE&b=272091

Thank you very much serenity

I guess it is quite normal to be worried about your children.

Thanks for the tip on babyproofing. We have done most of the house, and we have a playpen for her, but most of the time shes on the floor playing around with me or my bf. I guess i could keep her in there some short periods, if just to get a breather if i need one. I constantly feel bad even if i leave her for just five minutes.

A schedule is needed here. I dont handle things that arent predictable very well (in terms of me needing to know what goes on every day) so i need a certain layout so as to know what to expect. I need to incorporate certain things into my day that i just havent managed to do yet. And i dont really know how either Im hoping i can get some help with this eventually from my boyfriend, who really wants me to do better with certain chores around the house. I found i could do laundry easily when i did it at the same time every day, so maybe the solution is to just write a set schedule and follow it all the time

Thanks again ^_^

I totally had this just the way asplanet described it too.

Almost everyday for the first two and a half years I thought of running away and leaving my son with his father.

I couldn't bear the requirement to be available, present at all times, and I threw serious hysterical wobblies when baby woke up as i was putting him in cot after he'd fallen asleep in lap after breast feed for example because I was so longing for time for "me". Also when his father was not there when promised/held up on road by job etc.

I felt lots better once he started sleeping through nights, and playing on own.

I also found out, afterwards, after 20 months of it, that although breastfeeding is great for baby it can often prolong post natal depression because of some hormone system.

I sometimes, rarely, claimed entire days for self when father would have to do everything with toddler and I would lie in bed fantasising, ( which for me has often been like a work-through tool, processing stuff, exploring narratives of "me", therapeutic etc), or half-days to go into town to the cinema. Once I started to be able to do that it got slightly better.

I also started smoking again when he was 3, ( stopped again 32 months ago tho'), because it "gave" me pauses, ( out on the little terrace) and also "reasons" to ( do the preparation necessary to ) get us into town for a cup of coffee and a few cigarettes.

I too have developed some very late night habits because it is 100% "me" time.

It gets better. That's all I can say. I never worked out any strategies, but the worst of it gradually passed.

Why did you breed if you weren't ready for it?

Much as I have to favour the promotion of Autistic spectrum genes over Mundy genes, I still must insist that people are too quick to get with the rutty and too slow to consider how many other people are doing it.


I guess, as with the rest of life, the best thing you can do is just grit your teeth and force your way through it. Strength of will is key.

I was 35 years old.

It was the first time in my life that I had ever enjoyed, as in been turned-on by, ( rather than affectionately/passively tolerating) , penetrative sex.

I lack the cognitive skills, like many AS, to imagine the "real" reality of future events. I imagined motherhood as all animal naturalness; breastfeeding on demand, ( which i almost managed in fact after a slow start though because plagued by my own conditioning to feeds every 4/5 hours, which meant the rhythm/connection was never completely natural) , child sleeping in same bed, ( whereas being highly sensitive to sound and physical contact I simply couldn't sleep with baby in bed with me; I didn't know then that I was AS ), carrying my child as easily as my body, ( whereas hypothyroid condition from youth means I actually have little arm strength and carrying my child was harder for me than most), early and easy toilet training, ( it actually took till he was 5 years old, because he is AS too), and of course I imagined a child sleeping through the night as a result of all this naturalness, ( whereas he didn't sleep through the night until he was two because it took us that long to realise that he had coeliac disease and was being woken up every couple of hours by pain in his guts from gluten's inflammatory effect on the membrane).

I was fit and sun-relaxed and optimistic after a summer working on farms and hitching around France , climbing trees to collect apples and pears, climbing mountains after goats, and eating fresh salad, fruit, fish, not smoking, probably in the best shape i have ever been to have a child.

I would never have been "ready". What's "ready" anyway? I am AS; it was always going to be difficult.

Last edited by ouinon on 15 May 2008, 9:14 am, edited 2 times in total.

You're "lucky" if life events/influences and genes with all their construction of brain chemistry, hormonal systems etc, have given you resistance, strength, endurance. Lucky if genes and environmental factors have given you what counts as staying power and "will" in our society.

I didn't use will to stay with my child. I had been so strongly conditioned by society to see abandoning my child as one of the ultimate taboos that I was unable to leave. It was society, through my parents, my exposure to culture, my education levels , and class codes, etc, that made me incapable of leaving my child.

You're very welcome.

Trust me, you can leave your daughter alone for several minutes a few times a day to play by herself. I'm not trying to be harsh here, but if she never learns to be alone she'll be really clingy as a toddler, and a preschooler. I knew a couple that never ever left their daughter alone any amount of time, and that kid would cry her eyes out in a panic if she didn't have her parents within her line of vision at all times. They couldn't even leave her with family to go out, because she'd cry so hard the whole time, the same when the mom tried to go back to work when she was about 18 months old.

I don't know if I have figured out a schedule for housework as of yet. I have the kids on a pretty routine schedule, though. Like you, I freak out when I don't know what to expect. When something interrupts my routine, or what I expected to happen it's like I freeze. I don't know how to proceed from that unexpected point. I make a list everyday of what I think I need to get done. Then I number them by order of 3 at a time. That way I don't get too discouraged by the amount of items I have written. It helps to break them down. Your daughter is just now getting to an age to where you can have any kind of routine. I don't care what anyone says, I've never found it possible to have a solid routine around a baby. All 3 of mine dictated my schedule completely until they were over a year old. Well, one still does, but he's profoundly autistic, so leaving him alone for any amount of time is dangerous.

All in all you sound like a great mom, and your daughter is lucky to have a parents that care for her so much.