Interruption versus Silence. There is no winning.

Post Reply New Topic

It was a common criticism my mother levelled at me when I was younger.

I would come charging in with a problem and she would be talking, and she would tell me not to interrupt. She could be talking to someone else, and I'd try waiting for something... cut in between turns... and she would tell me not to cut in.

But I've learnt that if I don't interrupt, I generally don't get to play ANY part in a conversation that includes more than one other person. They will just throw the conversation back and forth between them without break... and I'll have something to say but won't interrupt... and they'll change the subject without even consulting me... and go off on some other tangent......
And eventually they complete their little conversation and part ways, and I will have been completely left out.


So why the frick shouldn't I interrupt?


[Random thought: They just asked me what I was typing... so I told them.... and they laughed about it. Meh. *Shrugs*]

If you got something to add, interrupt I say. Especially if the participants have no clue about the subject they are talking about and you can shed actual light on it. I too have found that it is often the only way to get in a conversation.

when you come charging in with a problem, it is you that have decided that your issue is more important than what they are nattering on about. This response in them (don't interrupt) is their evaluation of the frequency and the judgement they have about the frequent interruptions you might have made in the past and so are prioritized as 'not urgent' (to THEM of course, to you it is urgent!) Sort of the 'calling wolf' syndrome

non AS people play a sort of verbal tennis with their conversation, and it is interruption when someone lobs a ball from the sidelines that is not in the conversational flow.

it's a b***h, I will agree. But I don't see me changing their natures anytime soon.

Merle

Oh wow, my life. Still.
And by the time you actually do get to speak, the subject has moved on and what you did want to add is now irrelevant.

The only way I have learned to manage with NTs is the Six Degrees method, I return the volley, then tangent a few returns until I can get to where I want it. Frustrating, but NTs don't seem to notice that their conversations beat around the bush and segway in a tedious manner. I don't need or want to wrap up one topic with a minute of banter before jumping to a wholly different one. My mind is like the salt flats, not a train track - I can go for miles in any direction without a switch man.

I don't just butt in mid-sentence as I once did when I was a kid. I know that is somewhat out of line..... but when I was basically part of something in the first place, sometimes even the one who started the conversation, it is unpleasant when they allow no oppurtunity for further part in it... or insist on deviating the conversation to something more asinine and pointless than what was originally being discussed.
The worst thing is when I find a gap... start to speak... and someone else starts AFTER me, interrupting me, and everyone listens to THAT person instead.... as though I'd never even been there. Doing that a few times will generally drive me to the point where I will confront the person responsible directly and scold them for it.

pure poetry. . .

Merle

don't I know it, brother! I gotta say that point where they just seem to ignore me that puzzles me most. After years of getting heated about it, and just assuming they were in cahoots to just make me feel uncomfortable. No doubt some people in my life were deliberate at their ostracizing , but as I look back over decades of people ignoring me in conversation, it believe it is because I am not always operating in their dimension.

now, before you get me a tin foil hat so I can block out the rays from Planet X, Let me say that it is like I am not in their time zone, their wave length, oscillating at the same frequency. It's not that they can't be on my beam, but when they are all cruising on that social frequency they like can only follow that sort of conversation, they are on a 'social chat high'. It's like they don't 'hear' us, but that's not right, either. It's like they don't perceive us because we are not on their . . planet.

oh.

ok. . I get it . that's the whole reason this forum is called "WrongPlanet" .

never mind.

pass the tinfoil hat, please

Merle

I have big problems with this! I formulate what I want to say, wait for a gap in conversation, start my sentence and get talked over and ignored. Even talking loud doesn't seem to work - it's like I'm not there. But rather than scolding, which has gotten me into scary arguments, I tend to leave the conversation, either by physically walking away, or by getting out my laptop and surfing the net for a while til I've calmed down. This doesn't happen to anyone else I know, and I have no idea what I'm doing differently such that no one listens.. if I was really boring, I wouldn't have friends, but I do have friends, and they initiate 1-on-1 conversations with me, but then I vanish in any group.

Argh!

If you're not in the ebb and flow of conversation from the very beginning, trying to jump in and add your thoughts is considered interrupting to NT’s. It’s unfortunate that this makes participation in a conversation with more than one other person nearly impossible for me.

Most of the time people are talking I simply have nothing to add, so I’ll be silent. I know I’m expected to come up with periodic little utterances to let people know that I still in the conversation, but its impossible for me. I lack the mental capacity to come up with those spontaneous conversational pieces that everyone expects. I need to think before I speak. I wish people would be more receptive of this and allow me to include myself in the conversation.

My sociophobias resulted from being told shut up and never being permitted in conversations with family OR at school, even since my lower grade school years. My suspicion is that people like you or I, are just too..... giving in conversations. I guess you don't interupt like a jerk and just want to add to a statement or present some demanding information to spice of the conversion. I think most people listen more to those who can give off a sort of powerful presense. While it won't work on family or people who look down on you, try reserving yourself and giving yourself an air of authority. Make your voice clear, precise, and state information like it would be impossible to wrong. Some people can attract the attention of all around them this way. Make it so you sound like you won't take any crap and see if anyone listens to your interuptions. If they don't like it and let other people butt in with no problem, give them an imposing look when they tell you not to cut in. It's hard to figure out how to communicate with people if you ask me, but I'm confident it's possible to overcome with observation and experimentation. You have to give hidden messages to get your say in conversations. I learned this the hard way over the years, and my socio problems skyrocketed from the jerks.

That describes my experience to a ‘T’. Always! I've never seen it so eloquently stated. NT’s don’t seem to have the attention span for in-depth discussion that I do. Always dancing about and changing subjects on a whim. It drives me insane.

If you must interrupt, when someone has a short pause, before someone else starts to speak, pipe up, "Mind if I interrupt?"
Also, to get into the ebb and flow, you just have to start small. If someone asks something generally, pipe up a yea or nay as well. If someone says something you agree with, say "Absolutely" or "For sure" or if you're in friendly company that's okay with minor profanity, or the conversation is about something they're angry about, responding to a point against what they're angry with a "Damn straight!" makes for a feeling of inclusion, meaning you might get a gap to go in.

If you spend time watching conversations, and seeing how people get into them, you can learn to initiate, join, and leave conversations. Just remember to keep your eyes and ears open, and you should start getting better at it.

.... I suppose sometimes that sounds possible, but it generally wouldn't sound right... if that makes any sense.



Besides... it isn't as awesome as the time I was getting so wound up by it that I quite literally voiced my mind in the most honest way possible:

I quite loudly announced: C-C-C-COMBO BREAKER!

.... It completely destroyed the conversation, which just amused me all the more.
Teh Intarwebz clearly haz me. ^_^

Yes, I have this problem too - I'm fine with a conversation with one, or maybe two other people, but in a group it's like i'm not even there.

I seem to always be standing just outside the group looking over people's shoulders, so it must be obvious to them that I want to join in, but they just ignore me and do not make space for me in the circle or talk to me.

If I say something relevant to the conversation in order to make it even more obvious that I want to join in, they seem to get offended. They may even move closer together in order to shut me out completely.

So, NT's, when an aspie is trying to join in a conversation like this, what is it about that person that makes you ignore them? Why do you get so offended by us? What should we do that would make you welcome us?

Last edited by shopaholic on 16 May 2008, 2:00 pm, edited 1 time in total.

next time you should make out its really death defyingly serious so they let you have your share of verbal enlightenment