I'm an NT attracted to an Aspie and he says "No Romance

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I'm pretty sure he has Asperger's, but we don't talk confidentially a lot. He alluded to it, but wasn't clear. I'm pretty sure he's an alcoholic, too. I guess I should count my blessings, but I'm sad. This is very unusual for me. I usually walk right away from an active alcoholic. I knew him for about a year and a half before I became interested in him. Before that I pretty much thought he was an alcoholic, didn't have much to say, and there was just no chemistry between us.
He asked me to do things a few times, and I found the invitations unusual. I was mad, actually: Why was he asking me to do things when clearly he has no attraction to me. "This is just going to get me in emotional trouble!" I thought. We see each other a lot among friends. Have emailed a few times about personal things and went out once. I don't think it was really a date and he seemed irritable a good part of the time.
But there is something compelling about him for me. And one day I just realized I was attracted to him and didn't know where it came from. He agrees to be friends and his hello and goodbye hugs seem genuine. But he's clear to draw the line there. And of course he doesn't make much time for people, so I won't see him much one-on-one, if ever. Depends on how the wind blows.
I think part of me is getting in touch with whatever percentage of Aspie I have inside myself. It's hard for me to make friends too. And I'm a writer for an engineering firm. I practice Zen meditation to try to develop my right brain--and can do that with effort. I'm gruff with people a lot, but I have a lot of compassion inside me when I feel you're safe somehow.
I wish I could make him happy, but I just don't do it for him. Bottom line: I'm very happy to be his friend and would like to be a good friend to him. So I want to find out for sure if he has Aspergers, and if so know more about it. I'm 55. I'm guessing he's around 50. I look young for my age, but no dice, is no dice. Being friends is hard and you want to protect yourself from emotional hurt, which can come out wrong sometimes.
The good news: I thought I was washed up at 55--had no interest in men, but now I know I do. So I'm grateful for that. And now I know that because I'm not attracted to someone at first sight, doesn't mean I won't be later. Also, there's a whole world of "sleepers" out there--Aspies who may be awkward socially, but would value friendship or more from someone who would sincerely try to know them for who they are. Any random words of encouragement are appreciated.

I understand how you feel. Nice to meet you as well.

How is your patience? Take it one small step at a time and be very honest and be ready for that is return. He probably would not have any thing to do with you unless he had “interest”. Just remember to not expect “small talk”. Share common interests and experiences. As an aspie he can be very “romantic” just not in a societally superficial way. If it gets to the point where he can “trust” you it will certainly be like no other relationship you have been in. Just remember that the standard neurotypical “signals” will probably go right past him without a notice.

Romance for aspies almost always start with friendships.

I am somewhat surprised about the alcoholic thing that is somewhat atypical.

Hope this provides some insight.

bookwormde

Thanks for your reply, Jerry. Nice to meet you too. I thought maybe my post would be encouraging to some NTs. It's not always us rejecting you guys, you know. If somebody really cares they'll be willing to learn what they need to and make the effort. What book should I read first? Look into My Eyes is written by someone with Asperger's and looks good. What do you think?

AnnieRie

Wow I don't have any advice on your guy, but I just had to say you sound like a super nice lady. I'm a lesbian Aspie, so I profess no understanding of how to deal with a man. But I wish I could get an NT lady to chase after me like you do him. The guy is darn lucky and he should realize that. However, you might want to take a step back and ask yourself is he really an Aspie or is he like highly depressed alcoholic who is anti-social because of his addiction or his depression perhaps?

Just be careful pursuing someone with the idea that you can change or "fix" them. That idea usually turns out bad with the fixer, usually the woman, getting hurt by the fixee. Take care of yourself first and foremost!

You must really care about him AnnieRie, to seek out an Aspergers website to find out more about this guy. You're clearly a very caring person.

Without knowing either of you, I would have to say: be VERY careful of an alcoholic. If he was just Aspergers, I would agree with the others and say be patient and give him time to warm up to you. But alcoholism...I've seen it and it ends badly. Also like Ticker said, his personality problems could be alcohol related and possibly not Aspergers. You almost certainly will never know the real man until he gives up the alcohol.

My advice would be to stick to a friendship with this man, and have faith that there is someone else out there. I relate to what you said about being washed up - I'm only 29, but because of my autism I'm rarely attracted to anyone. I recently fell in love with someone I can never have (married), and though that is depressing I do remind myself that this person represents the hope that I am able to be attracted and find someone.

Annie,

Dress more feminine when around him (I assume you wear traditional clothes at work). If you want him to discover you as more than a friend. So when you are at work and especially when you two go out together, put some thought into how you want to look. You could even ask if he likes your new blouse, new perfume etc...things that would kind of trigger him to think of more than you as a generic friend. Nothing distasteful of course. It's so cute, this story! I wish you all the best

Be careful with the perfume, many varieties smell like “bug spray” to many aspies. Ask, but do not be offended if this is his response.

bookwormde

it may have good to ask..though i thing he would be shocked at first and be like oh ok..i would be completely difrent for few days after that one

I don't think the dressing up pretty idea will work if he's a true Aspie. Most Aspies just don't notice subtle things like how someone is dressing, hair or makeup. Most of us barely even look at other people because its too painful too. Perfume is a no-no as many of us have allergies, chemical sensitivities or asthma.

If you really want an Aspie's attention and REALLY want to tell them you like them then you can't hint around and play games like the average NT does. You flat out say "Hey I am very attracted to you", "You're sexy", "I want to date you", etc. It is the only way to get the point across if he's truly Aspie.

I don't agree with the majority of this post. Perhaps dressing up is not the perfect way to go about things, but plenty of aspies would notice if a girl dressed very nicely for a date. Most aspies don't even look at other people because it's too painful? What? I know there are some out there like that, but that's quite a generalization. There's a big difference in being poor with eye contact and barely looking at people.

It is true that a relatively up-front approach will work, but I really don't think it HAS to be that blunt in many cases. Just ask him on a date. Don't wait for him to come to you because there's a good chance he won't.

Do not be afraid to dress attractively, just try to keep it “natural” Heavy war paint really makes little sense to most aspies, more the cute girl next-door look. We are guys, being an aspie does not change that we do “look”. We just do not buy into the advertising version of beauty.

If you are already friends then go for Tickers version of asking him out. Otherwise be a little more patient.

bookwormde

I agree with the above post. Heavy make-up and high heels are almost always turn offs for me, because it seems superficial and too blatant of an attention-seeking tactic. A nice feminine dress, perhaps doing something with your hair, and a little lipstick or something is plenty.

Thanks, bookwormde. This is the approach I'm trying to take. My patience is GREAT! I got a little impatient with him after our first "non--date." But then it started dawning on me that he had aspergers because of stuff he said when we went out. He's an engineer and he started talking about how a lot of engineers have apergers, but I put it aside. A few days later, everything started to add up and I emailed him saying that "some things about him had dawned on me and I'd been unfair [when I was impatient]." And I suggested that we be friends and that if we did things together we could even growl and snarl at each other until we got used to each other and it could be real simple and end at a specific time. He replied, "Now that you understand my situation. . ." And he says he hasn't given up on me. But he says he doesn't have (make?) time for friends, so we'll see. So I take it that now, I'm just supposed to sit tight and see if he initiates anything.

What's the difference between "small talk" and "sharing interests and experiences."? You mean specific topics, as opposed to some nebulous meandering conversation? or...what? I'm shy around him and get tongue tied. Last week we had a party at my house and he offered to come over early and help me! I just asked him to shuck corn and get the barbeque going. "Trust": I'm not perfect, but I'm trying. I'm sure there are some things I'm blowing it with him, if my sense of humor gets way off (like joking about going to a girls gay bar--but I'm not gay, and then I wonder if I went too far.) But later I told him my email was having trouble and he came up to my room and fixed it--lickety split of course--He looks around my room with curiosity. I wonder if I have too much stuff and it's daunting, but I'm very neat and organized. He's a gentleman and left immediately after fixing it. So I trust HIM! too. His mother died recently. I was so upset that I never got to meet her, but she was sick on the other side of the country. I have a picture of his mother that he emailed to people printed out and on my desk. I think he likes that, I hope he doesn't think it's weird because I don't know her. but that's just honestly me: I was taken with her, so I love having her picture up. She was clearly very loving, so I talk to her all the time, "Saint Mama."

Yeah. Romantic. If he ever gets there, I think it will be great. He will be very REAL!

"Romance for aspies almost always start with friendships." That's really encouraging.

Alcoholic: I read somewhere that this is common. So much for believing what you read.

Thanks. I enjoy being his friend, so I guess I can't lose.

I know alcoholics very well. I have had good friends who are in recovery for over 15 years and dated a guy (still a great friend) who has 14 years recovery. This is very unusual for me, but I'm just willing to accept him as he is. I have no urge to change him. I really think he is an aspie. I think that is the next thing I will try to chp away at verifying next time we are alone, gently and carefully.

I hope there's a beautiful lady who chases you like crazy some day and you love it! Why not. It could happen.

Thanks. My plan is to enjoy the friendship until and if it seems safe to get closer.