yet another am i an aspie post

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Hello. I'm sure you get all kinds of these.. but you know, its really killing me. I only found out about Asperger's a few days ago, and since then, I've had a deep internal struggle with myself. I find that Asperger's explains a lot about my life, however, I'm afraid of being a hypochondriac and also I feel as if I don't share the same views that everyone has here. On the other hand, I know that Asperger's varies greatly. I'm afraid of going to the psychiatrist to get shot down and then becoming really confused as he diagnoses me with something crazy.

I have an interest in psychology/neuroscience, which is how I eventually learned of AS. This interest is one that I think about probably 3/4's of the day. I can look up stuff on the computer day in and day out and never get bored. Before this, it was working out/kinesiology, and before that was computers, etc. I've always known that these weren't just simply hobbies that everyone else my age has; the extent to which is controls my life is overwhelming. This is what originally what made me really look into Asperger's. For example, I was into working out and would eat like 8 meals a day and look up stuff about working out when I wasn't. All day. I would take anything I could find (except steroids) to see what it could do and understand its method of action; research chemicals, herbs, vitamins, etc. I had a strict regime and routine and without it my day was not complete; an obsession is an understatement. I eventually weighed 193. Then, I developed the interest in neuroscience and dropped to 165 without even realizing it and never looked back.

I'm usually pretty modest, but for the sake of this "online diagnosis", I'll splurge a little I don't know my IQ, but its probably above average. I scored within the top 1% in standardized testing in PA (with a little luck I'm sure) in high school. On the [old] SATs, I scored a 1250; 600 on the verbal and 650 on mathematics, and I didn't use a calculator. I'm not saying this to "wag my own tail", the reason is because my grades are just bad. In high school I scored in the bottom quarter of my class. In college, I can't get over a 2.0. I could write a graduate-level paper on an in-depth neuroscience topic, but I can't pass the intro to Psychology course. I mean, I can.. I got great grades on the tests, but as far as attending classes, homework, and classwork? I'm too busy for that! But with what..? From an objective view, nothing. From my perspective.. my own world.

I don't use drugs (there was a short time but that has since passed) and I don't party. The reason for not attending class and not doing work is honestly because I'm preoccupied with my "interest" at the time and I'll put it off until its too late. By too late, I mean I will convince myself that its better to stay on schedule and go to bed than stay up late and work on something. If its not that, its me just thinking. For some reason that no one else seems to understand, thinking seems to be more important than anything else. Also, if my schedule is off, my day will not occur. I need to sleep 8 hours or else I will lay in bed until I sleep for those 8 hours. There's also other things that are weirder.

Socially, I am withdrawn but not an outcast. People tend to like me. They will call me, but I won't really want to hang out. I am never the one to call anyone else. When I talk to people, its awkward. I might say something outrageous to see what someone will do. A good amount of people think I'm funny. Even people that I know pretty well, I'll say dumb things instead of socializing. At college, my roommate would throw massive parties at my apartment, but I would always retreat into my room where its quiet, go to bed at 12, lock my door and go to sleep. People would always ask me why I did this and I didn't really have a reason.. its not like I was doing homework or trying to wake up early for class. I always thought it was some problem.. a deficiency or something in my brain that caused this, but now I have become to peacefully accept it as the way I am. With my parents I am the same way. They just don't understand that I'd rather do my own thing. I don't get emotional with people; in fact, most people say they can never see me being mad. This is what throws me off. It seems like a lot of people here say they get especially emotional and angry, etc., but this isn't me. If a teacher is yelling at me, they'll tell me to stop smiling even though I can't even tell I'm doing it! It's just something that I do.

As far as sensory stuff.. I don't know. I've never really had a problem with being touched although one of my cousins definitely does. I never really thought this part applied to me, but after thinking about life experiences I think it could in a minor way. My eye doctor and parents always tried to get me to wear glasses or contacts as my eyesight is bad. However, I couldn't wear them.. because I didn't like the way the world looked when I wore them. Sharp edges.. ick. I felt more anxiety or something. Also, I prefer the lights off to being on.. even for working. It bothers me when someone sings along to a song.

My handwriting is horrendous. I don't make eye contact and when I do for a second or so its terribly uncomfortable and I'll look somewhere else. Some things just throw me off about AS. I'm eccentric, of course, and everyone knows this. But an autistic spectrum disorder is something I never would have thought. That's not saying I would be ashamed of it, if it were true, by any means. I'm not depressed, in fact I'm pretty happy. I don't really have much anxiety, but in certain situations I do.

Anyway, anything anyone could offer me as far as advice or info would be appreciated. As I said, my interest is in psychology and not knowing about my own, especially being an introvert, is really killing me. Asperger's is something that really struck me when I read about it; at least 10x more than anything else I've read about. I'll eventually see a psychiatrist, but right now I'm a little afraid. Thanks!

I am not a shrink, but you seem to have a leaning to that direction. Welcome to WP. I hope it will be helpful in sorting out your life. Neither my spouse nor i have a diagnosis. We both score high on the spectrum. You will find all kinds here. Maybe even learn a little about yourself.

The usual best test for it is: Did you get a sudden feeling of revelation when you read / heard about it..... like someone had just written / spoken about you specifically?

That is generally the best short-term indicator.

.

Yes, exactly. This is why I'm going through the effort of posting.. I'm normally a very skeptical person of myself, because I realize the human mind is very complex and understanding it from the inside is difficult. Sometimes people pick out certain things and exaggerate them, but I'm trying not to do that. I'm trying to view myself from the most objective perspective possible, through the means of subjective experiences.

I first went on wikipedia to look, and it was astounding. I never once have felt that way about any other disorder; but with AS it fit like a glove. Unfortunately, not many people know me from the inside so I'm afraid people (my parents, especially) will say I'm just making excuses. I always doubt myself so its pretty normal.

im no expert or nothin, but it sounds like you could definitely get some help here. i havnt got an official diagnostic, people say to me im too shy or eccentric, but what you said about the wiki page was the same with me. it sounded as if it just described me perfectly. ever since ive been browsing these forums ive found them a great help. good luck!

Congratulations.
You've self-diagnosed.

Now all you need do is get a formal diagnosis.
And we're not often wrong, let me tell you.

.

Kev ... You sound just like me when I found out. I've never once considered in my life that I wasn't neurotypical, in part because the term didn't exist to me, but also because I was able to function well enough with everyone else. Just like you I always did well in certain areas of school. I was part of some advanced class for "gifted" kids form elementary through high school, but my grades started to drop. I had other interests and could only learn if I was interested in the subject.

I go from from one subject to the next. I started reading psychology before I found out about aspergers. I always identified with many areas of full on "auties" and I never knew why. Once I read an article about an aspie I read the wiki and everything else on the web I could find and was fairly certain. Thats how I ended up lurking here. Every day I find more things that always seemed normal to me that are sure signs.

When I'm into a subject I will work on it, read about, and consume as much info as possible. I went from working with hydrogen and fuel cells to solar stirling engines. While I'm still trying to finish the engine, I got into reading about quantum mechanics and theories. After each new subject its really hard to think about the previous and if I do I'll sometimes relapse into the prior.

I can handle touching from people I know if its not a surprise. Hate hand shakes and people grabbing my shoulder. But I hide at parties, I phone out only 10 times a year, never look into people eyes, ect ect ect. But I get along with people because I can find a shared topic with just about everyone. I just have trouble initiating conversation.

I only posted this because I've only seen a few people post behavior of interests that mirror mine so close.


Enjoy looking through the keyhole. From what I can tell you only get to once

Sounds pretty familiar... especially the prominent fixations. I'm also on the yellow brick road seeking the magic 8-ball; welcome the opportunity to talk more.


M.

So far as I can tell you've got two things going on. First of all is giftedness. Top 1% probably means an IQ of 130+, and that means that your typical college classes are going to bore you. Most gifted people also have what's called a "high need for cognition", which you very obviously have: You love to think and figure things out. That sets you apart from other people quite naturally.

Second is your extreme hobbies. Most typical introverts are more of a "small group of friends" type; you're more extreme than that. Aspies can be introverted or extroverted; but I think with you, your introversion is much more a consequence of preferring your hobbies to interaction with people. That is a very strong autistic trait, as you probably know. I am in the same boat as you when it comes to grades: I scored a 32 on my ACT (gifted range generally scores thereabouts), but my GPA hovers just above 2.0. My interests also keep me from studying properly; right now I am getting the hang of just completing my schoolwork as quickly as possible, so as to turn it in and get a grade. That is a weird strategy, because for the most part people are always advised to take their time, do it carefully, check it over... I can't take that kind of time because if I do I'll never get it done!

I can't say Asperger's, specifically, right away; but I would bet quite a large amount that you are on the Autism Spectrum. What I do know is that you have at least one aspect of Asperger's strongly enough that if I were a psychologist, I would immediately say at least PDD-NOS. That and the lack of eye contact (which as you know is a nonverbal communication deficiency, but is functional for you) is probably enough for Asperger's, with the caveat that your strong interests are your main symptom. (Unless, of course, you have a childhood history of speech delay or regression, in which case officially you'd have to be put into the PDD-NOS box.)

You are at college... Check into whatever department helps learning disabled students, offers tutors, makes special testing arrangements, etc. Low grades, combined with high test scores and a lack of partying, should say "learning disability" pretty quickly to the people in that department; at which point you can talk about your interests and offer the idea that you may have autistic tendencies... You don't actually need a diagnosis to take advantage of help from these people; if they can help you set aside even an hour a day to study it might take your GPA up to at least a 3... Sometimes it helps to have accountability... Do try not to let them label you OCD, though. You are obviously not OCD unless you're not telling me something!

Have you considered becoming a research psychologist?

Last edited by Callista on 30 May 2008, 11:52 am, edited 1 time in total.

Hi guys, first post here, just joined up.

What a huge sense of relief I've experienced since, in the last couple of days, finding out about this syndrome.

I haven't been diagnosed, but a psychologist friend of mine suggested that I look into Asperger's, and so I did. It was as if (as someone above pointed out) I was reading a complete breakdown of my own psyche.

I was put on a pedestal by my parents at a very early age as a child genius. I excelled all through primary school with advanced vocabulary, reading and mathematical skills. These skills still persist.

At secondary school, my grades began to flounder to my parents' chagrin, and they tortured themselves and myself trying to extract reasons from me. I had no idea what could 'be wrong' with me, but everyone seemed to be convinced that something most definitely was.

I dropped out of secondary school without finishing. Worked in countless jobs throughout my life, never lasting any longer in any of them for longer than six months. Every day, in every job, no matter how suited to the role I may have been, I was filled with dread and anxiety at having to interact with workmates. Eventually the same pattern would arise in each and every position. I would stay in bed, rather than go to work, usually without calling the office/workplace. After repeated occurences of this, I would again be 'let go'.

It's not as if I didn't know what the eventual repercussions would be; lost job, angry father/girlfriend, mounting debts, increased anxiety. For years I just put my actions down to some sort of self-destruct mode.

The obsessive, repetitive, symmetrical patterning is also very strong with me. I won't go into the exact details of the patterning themselves (it would stretch for pages), but I get stuck into them in my mind and have to see them through to completion. When experiencing this, I've been told that I just seem to be staring off into space, glazed over, seemingly vacant, but with my mind trapped inside of symmetry.

One of the questions I've disliked the most in any relationship I've tried to establish is 'What are you thinking?' I have never been able to answer that question to a girlfriend, friend, sibling or parent.

A few years ago, at a very desperate point in my life, I sought help from a GP who, very abruptly, 'diagnosed' me with depression and put me straight onto a strong dose of Effexor. After a few months of meds, I felt that nothing was changing and decided rather than confront the GP about this, I would just quit taking them. Now, I can put the determination to get through the very nasty withdrawals of this drug down to being another trait of atypical neurobuildup.

Now, at the age of 35, I have just completed a foundation course in Science and Mathematics to gain entry to my local University to study for a degree (and hopefully more) in Astrophysics.

Armed with the knowledge that I most probably have AS. I feel much more capable of seeing something through to completion for the first time in my life. With the help of student counsellors, I know I can make it.

What I look forward to most now, is finally allowing my parents a better understanding of what has caused my destructive lifestyle for so long.

I'd like to thank you all for sharing your experiences here. I look forward to reading through as much as I can and hopefully learn to better cope on a day to day basis.

I think I was alot like you at first... afraid to be a hypochondriac but yet, feeling this revelation like "how did they just describe me so well?" I've never been officially diagnosed. I'm interested in it, but it's more of a monetary thing at the moment. I don't have money for a psychiatrist/psychologist but would like to be diagnosed. It's also difficult to open yourself up one, I think. But give yourself time, and maybe you'll come to a point where you can say "ok I'm ready now".

I think if you don't have the tendency to diagnose yourself with everything you come across--if Asperger's is the only thing that really "clicks" with you--then you're probably not a hypochondriac. And if you're not a hypochondriac, you're down to three possibilities: One, you're mistaken because you either don't understand yourself or don't understand the diagnosis. (But if you stick to the facts only, you shouldn't run into that problem.) Two, you don't have Asperger's but you do have subclinical traits that would be Asperger's if they were only a little stronger. Or, three, you are on the autism spectrum.

A research psychologist huh? I'll have to look into that.

When I look into disorders, I'll mainly look at it from an outside perspective but maybe every once in a while I'll see something that will make me wonder. For example, with social phobia, I'll think to myself about my own life; but it just doesn't fit and I knew that. With Asperger's, it took the parts that fit and weaved them together into one. I mean, most people can twist their life to fit the diagnosis of AS, but mine falls right into place.

I'm sure if I asked my parents it wouldn't be an issue to see a psychiatrist, I'm just not sure if I should go into his/her office saying, "I think I have Asperger's." If I do say it, he might think to himself that I'm looking for an excuse for my studies; but if I don't, it could skew his diagnosis. Hopefully I'll get one that knows what they are talking about.

Thanks for the replies, very informative.

What you do generally is to just give them all your symptoms, and let them come to the obvious conclusion.

For the record, kevbo I also think you probably have AS. I think Tzetze does also. Callista is right about the need for a challenge, etc.... That describes ME as well. BTW I had a chance at making a LOT of money. thousands were being referred to ME, and I already sold several copies and made about $2000 EASY in 2 days! I gave it up! WHY? I was being asked about too many peripheral things and, though my interest USED to be computers, and I could have been a millionare by now, my current interest didn't give me the time to really pursue it.

There are some online self-tests that are 80% or so accurate; my doctor asked me to fill these out and bring them to my first appointment.

Here's some links :
The short AQ test, from the Autism Research Centre at Cambridge U (Often called simply the Cambridge test.)

http://www.wired.com/wired/archive/9.12/aqtest.html

This one has not been so thoroughly verified clinically, but is a helluva lot more interesting IMO :

http://www.rdos.net/eng/Aspie-quiz.php

Disclaimer : While 80% of diagnosed Aspies will test positive on the AQ, a whopping 20% will not. Some Aspies are easily able to see thru the questions and fake out the test.

Personally, my litmus test is this : Do you dislike ticking clocks? Flourescent lights? Does a classroom *interfere* with your education, which is best entirely self-directed and - to your 'educators' - stunningly effective?