New NT here with aspie family member

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Hi there,


I'm new here - I'm an NT and my brother (he's an adult) has a lot of the symptoms & signs of asperger's, but has never had a diagnosis, and as far as I know it's never been mentioned or suggested to him, but I don't know if he's done any research himself.

I've not discussed it with him yet as I don't want to upset him or have him think it's a label or that I'm judging him, but I hope to pop over and have a chat with him next weekend if he's free. I've been having a look on the forum here, and have read a fair bit of literature from the UK national autistic society, so I have an idea how I'm going to approach it (try and emphasise it as an explanation of why he struggles to make friends, get a job, connect with other people, why he and my mum seem to frustrate each other so much etc, and that there are other people out there who see the world the way he does, ask him what he thinks, if he recognises himself in the symptoms and so on.. then just see what he says)... I've got some leaflets from the National Autistic Society on AS and my neighbour who works with autistic adults thinks this might be useful for him to have a read through.


I just wondered if anyone had any more thoughts on how to approach this with him? Does the above sound reasonable? He's quite sensitive and shy but I can usually get through to him if I take things step by step and focus things around him and take things at his pace. I'd really love for him to feel more comfortable with other people and be able to make some friends who see things the way he does so that he doesn't feel so isolated but I don't want to damage the fragile relationship we have already. Does anyone have any other ideas how to make this a reasonably positive discussion?


Also, if it's not too personal a question, how did those of you who have AS feel when it was first suggested that you had AS (formal or informal diagnosis)? (Especially those of you who didn't know you had AS until you were an adult)?:

- Did everything suddenly become clear about why you didn't click with the "NT" world; was it a bit like an epiphany?
- or did you feel that it was just one more thing that was wrong with you, that it emphasised you were weren't perfect even more? (I really don't see it like this by the way but it's not me that has to deal with it first hand so best to ask really - plus I want to be prepared if it might make my bro feel this way. (He's said on a few occasions he feels like a failure so I don't want to make things worse). If this latter applies does anyone have any tips on how to make it feel a less negative thing?)


I've probably gone on a bit now so I'll stop. I hope I've not asked anything inappropriate, I'd really appreciate any thoughts. Let me know if anything is unclear. I'm trying to understand!


Thanks x


PS just wanted to say as well that this forum seems lovely, a really friendly accepting place and I think my bro would feel at home here.

Welcome to WP!

welcome to wrong planet

I had serious problems as a child, and I always new something was different with me. But AS wasn't suggested to me till I was 25 (i'm gonna work on getting an official dx). I went into emotional termoil. It all made sence, but at the same time I was angry at the people I talked to about this, who knew,but didn't say anything to me. I ended up with a severe meltdown cause I was stressed, and work reminded mr too much, I had such a hard time finding a job and it hurt when I realized the places that hired me had only employees on the spectrum.
Anyway, now I know why I react the way I do to stress, why I had that empithany in high schho "oh, what kids say when teasing isn't literal" etc.

I went through losts of anger management and social skills counsling in the past. Now that I feel crappy, I have regressed, but I know if I get a dx and know for sure, I can reach thast higher level of functioning once again. I had learned to be happy with myself before, learned to deal with my struggles, and as an Aspie said about me (overheard conversation...) "Now she knows she is one of us, and someday she will accept that"

I tried clueing in my cousin that her adult son has Aspergers, but that backfired and she took it as criticism. Even though I told her I was diagnosed with Aspergers. Come to think of it she never related well with the world, is a very peculiar bird and has only had one job which lucky for her is a telecommuting job. So I think she is an Aspie too, so she probably took the whole subject personally.

So I have to say its delicate situation to approach anyone saying "hey I think you have this...". Kinda like approaching an alchoholic and saying they have a problem. If your brother is the least bit inquisitive or nosy type I would suggest just leaving the reading materials on his computer desk or even mailing them anonymously. Seriously that is the best way to get some people to read and consider something if they are nosy and have to always know what something is all about. So if they get an anonymous packet in a blank envelope about Aspergers then they will be compelled to read it trying to figure out who sent it to them and why.

Nice to meet you, bloop.

Thanks for the welcomes and thoughts everyone, plenty to think about! I know it's not going to be easy and I think I'll have to accept that my bro will find it hard, whether he agrees with me or not. I think I'm just going to pick up on some of the problems he's spoken about to me in the past and say that i recognise a lot of those in the typical symptoms of AS - then ask him if he recognises himself in them too. At the end of the day it'll have to be up to him whether he agrees or not, but having grown up with him for 30 years and having a professional working knowledge of diagnostic theory I'll eat my hat if it doesn't click with him on some level. If he finds it overwhelming I'm just going to have to try and be there for him as much as I can.

Ticker - our mum sounds a lot like your cousin - this is why I'm not telling I'm not telling her until my bro feels comfortable

You could always solve the problem like my siblings did: my father and I have AS, so my siblings just cut all contact with us, forgot we ever existed and tell anyone in the family and friends who asks them why that we're evil and not to be in touch with us.

errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.......


Sorry to hear about your family Greentea.

Bloop I didn't know your brother had already spoke to you about frustrations in his life that may be AS related. In that case, it gives you a good opening to bring up the subject since he sorta mentioned it first. Albeit you need to approach it gently. Say something like " you know that time you told me you had problems with.... well I read an article about other people who have those same problems". Tell him more about the difficulties AS people have especially the social interaction ones for a little while before you say the word Aspergers though. See how that goes. I think since you have discussed the issues with him before it might be easier to get a new discussion going without having to resort to anonymous literature.

Cunning plan, cheers

I figured it out for myself long before the diagnosis became available to people who can talk, so I don't know what it's like to have some suggest it to me first. I suspect that if someone else had mentioned it first I probably would have blown up, because I tend to be pretty overwhelmed all the time already, and I probably wouldn't have had any extra energy for something else, even if ultimately good information. For me, I would have probably preferred a blunt "are you autistic?" and that's it, since that's what would have kept the informaton overload down to a minimum. It would then have been up to me to figure out the answer on my own time. But that's me. You know your brother and what his style is.

I have a relative who I suspect may be autistic, but she has so much on her plate that I can't bring myself to mention it. I don't know what it would solve. I figure at this date if she were curious, she'd go looking for the information herself. After all, I always watched for relevant info like a hawk.

And then there's my brother, who's gay, but seems uncomfortable talking about it. He figures it isn't anyone's business (he's right). That always reminds me people feel different ways about talking about things, and makes me extra cautious. But your brother's mentioned things already, so you're good for a start. Good luck.

Actually, this is the perfect time to approach him. Talk about that kindergarten kid in florida, like 'Oh did you hear about this?' Then go into the symptoms of Aspergers. He may very well get curious.

A little bit of both =/

It helped to convince myself that I didn't suddenly have autism, it was just something I had always been, and had been calling it by the wrong names.

But I still couldn't help having this nagging feeling in the back of my brain that I wasn't normal...things like "Oh man, people must think I'm ret*d like Rain Man" and then thinking of all the stupid things I'd done in my life.

It's all very, very overwhelming.

I read about it in a magazine, an article in Reader's Digest suggesting someone had it because they didn't like their food touching. I spent the rest of the night reading about it on the Internet, and I definitely overloaded myself with information...overwhelmed myself with emotions...

It's a very difficult situation, I wish you luck with your brother.

In the end, it really is incredibly beneficial to know, even if it is hard to come to grips with at first.

It might help if you focus on the positive aspects and let him read up on the negatives by himself.

PS. If he does feel overwhelmed by this, he'll probably want to be alone for a bit. Just a heads up.

For me: it was first the latter, then later the former.

Can relate to above quotes...
Got dx'd at 30. Hadn't heard of autism beyond the rigid stereotypes of severe expression (in other words, nothing like me). At first, I totally rejected the label/idea. Over time-weeks, months, years-as I researched ASD's like crazy (been on book-buying binge ever since) I became more "used to" it (and able to see how it did gather many idiosyncratic "loose ends").

I don't take surprises, novelty, change, or new material well. In presenting such a thing, it's preferrable to give me time/space to process, absorb, and "go back & forth" on an issue. Were I giving advice, I'd say do something little by little, in hopes of avoiding exceeeding the other person's ability/tolerance for overwhelming experiences.

Don't expect immediate response (but brace yourself, just in case) from the person suspected of having an ASD-takes time to decide if this label fits with oneself. No matter how it's communicated, it can evoke angry response which likely will run its course & be replaced with other intense reactions (such as in Kubler-Ross's "grief cycle")-that's how it is with many "new" realities that require phases of adjustment-not a denigration of ASD's.

Having a gentle (laid back) attitude of "you can take or leave" this info. (about dx/label) towards person who may have an ASD seems recommended. NOT an ultimatum demanding of decisiveness from the person-but a "no pressure" stance/tack. When people try to push stuff (mental concepts/definitions) at me, I get ornery-which can interfere with my ability to take in & properly consider (at my leisure-which can't be hurried) ideas with which I was uncomfortable at first. I may come to conclusion that idea makes sense, but there's no substitute for giving me wide berth (psychologically/mentally) to figure out my reaction to information/prospective categorization.

So, keeping these in mind I hope that OP's attempt to share insight with sibling goes well.

If you are close to your brother, I would just up and talk to him.

"You know, I think you have that Asperger!"

My siblings and I are very close. We have talked about this and even joked about it. A formal dx was only a way to put things into context for myself, but didn't change a thing about the way they feel about me.

I am me, no matter what. I am glad I did not have a dx before because now I am just wacky.

If you are not really close to him or think he might be sad if you approach him, I would just leave it alone.

I don't know- it's a tough question based on your own family dynamics.

But you are a good sibling to care!