Contacting people difficult?

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Be it emailing, instant messaging or phone calls (not to mention visiting someone in person), I always find the initiative to contact people to be terribly hard and would rather not do it at all. Casual emailing can be effortless sometimes, though, but most of the time hardly so.

I'm also really looking for an explanation for this; probably having trouble connecting the problem to a specific feature of AS.

I've largely overcome this, but I had it REALLY badly regarding phone calls for a huge chunk of my life, yes. I had to gather every bit of courage I had just to pick up the phone and call someone. It felt like a mammoth effort of will power, for me. I was painfully shy and reserved right on through to my late twenties, and it was painful to have to call anyone on the phone.

Later on I gradually got over this and was fine with having to call anwhere -- but I developed the reverse fear, of being scared to answer when MY phone rang!! !!

I still hate when I get a text or call unless I know already who it's likely to be from. Even caller ID doesn't allay the fear until I've actually read the name. I just don't even like to HEAR the phone ring.

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Same for me. I can text, but it's difficult to make phone calls, answer the phone or even listen to my messages. Same problem with mail - it feels like the contents would be too overwhelming to deal with. Email is usually ok. Kind of depends, though.

It's just a form of Social Anxiety. I've had a voicemail on my phone since yesterday (I saw the call come in and ignored it) because I'm afraid it's going to be some kind of bad news and stress me out even more than the holidays and the winter Seasonal Affective Disorder already have. I have deleted emails unread because of the possibility that it was just somebody b*tching at me by text and I couldn't cope with the stress.

When it comes to initiating a contact, I generally need a lot of time to prepare for the conversation, so I don't get blindsided by a question I can't answer without looking like an idiot.

When you know you're good at screwing up conversations and social interactions by inadvertently putting your foot in your mouth and upsetting people, why wouldn't you want to put off any kind of contact as long as possible, especially if it involves communicating with someone you don't know well?

OTOH, when my anxiety levels are low and my self confidence is stable (which are extremely rare moments), I can handle those situations with relative ease.

I have a strong belief why this fundamentally is so.

People with Asperger Syndrome are natural solo-hunters (like cats, panthers, jaguars). Neurotypical people are natural group/pack-hunters (like dogs, wolves, hyenas).

Being able to hunt is a crucial and completely fundamental condition to one's survival!

This gives occasion to basic fears:

The basic fear of NTs is: being truly excluded from the group (this means no more group/pack-hunting, which implies death!)

The basic fear of the AS individual is: being truly included in a group, i.e. not being independent (this means no more solo-hunting, which implies death!)


Everytime you communicate with NTs you risk that they try to include you in their group (through bullying, domination or some other technique they use to make strong bonds between each other). So it is natural for a person with AS to have this fear - he fears no longer being able to hunt solo, which, to him, could mean death.

I am also the same. And phone calls seem the worst of it all (even worse than meeting in person).

qawer, you are truly an inspiration, and I am not being sarcastic. While on WP I have watched you develop your philosophy about people, ASD and NT, and find a way to work it into nearly every single thread you participate in. The very consistency is soothing.

Ehem .. Thank you

Its definitely hard, Ive found its become a bit easier for me, not by much. Last time i had to say call someone, it only took 2 days to work up the nerve.

WIth email it only took me like 8 hours. Its still absurd ofcourse having to go around that long, and getting bad stomach and stuff. But even small improvement is good i guess, at this rate ill either be dead or 500 years old before i can just do it like instantly, if that ever becomes an option :S

There is no doubt that in certain conditions of human history, it would have been advantages, to not have the need for other people. I actually think, if normal people was alone the way some of us are here, they would literally go crazy and loose it, start talking to the wall or something.

Some people panic if they have to sit home a weekend alone lol. I panic if i had to be in a place with a lot of people ironic isnt it.

I have the same problem, but it's not due to anxiety. I tend to only spontaneously contact people if I have something specific to ask, so I usually end up not contacting them for so long that doing it wouldn't make sense anymore. I think it's because while I do enjoy social interaction (most of the time), I don't really need it as much, so I forget that other people do and get tired of always having to take initiative.