Thinking of suicide yet being terrified of death and dying..

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Tonight is one of those nights when I am home alone, bored, and with nothing to do. I'm still thinking of how depressed the new Indiana Jones movies made me feel. I am also thinking of how much emotional pain I feel on a day to day basis.

Some ignorant people could argue that I have suicidal ideations, but the reality is that the mere thought of death and dying makes me tremble. I'm a far cry from being the type of person who'd commit suicide. What type of idiot would trade existence for non-existence, anyway? If you are not an agonizing terminally ill patient, what's the point?

So I just thought that it was interesting that on the one hand I am terrified of getting old and closer to dying, but at the same time I keep thinking of extreme measures to end my suffering. I find that these contradictory ideas are actually related to my personality type. Like, for example, I'm the type of person who wants to get rich but would much rather spare himself the trouble of attempting to become rich. I'm the type of person who wants a female companion yet I refuse to try to engage suitable candidates for this role. I'm the type of person who whines about his life but doesn't move a finger to improve it.

Is there anyone here like that?

A suicide attempt can be unsuccessful, and the person could be left brain-dead or paralyzed.

Last edited by Venger on 31 May 2008, 6:36 am, edited 1 time in total.

I've never been suicidal nor expect to ever be suicidal so I don't really care.

I was the same way, from the time that I've started high school, until the day that I've graduated. I'd want to end it all, but I was afraid to die. I'm happy to be alive, 15 years later.

I can relate to that.
Sometimes I think to myself that i'd be better off dead, but the thought of death is too frightening simply because I don't know whats beyond it, if anything. We can't say for sure if there is or isn't an afterlife as neither have been proven, so for now, I'm staying here no matter how much it hurts.
I'm not sure if thats the reason why death frightens you, but it's my reason anyway.

That would be MY reason right there.

A good friend of mine once told me that he wasn't afraid of death but that he loved life too much to ever commit suicide.
I gotta say that I'm the exact opposite. Life disgusts me most of the time... I fail to see the point really, but I'm too afraid of death to ever commit suicide. I can only take solace in being a gadfly, which every society needs according to Socrates.

Mw99 and LoveableNerd, I think everyone on our planet has probably felt how and what both of you feel, but most just don't talk about it, or, like me, can't articulate it as well as you. I have health problems (fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndrome, as well as others), and receive disability income (SSDI and long term through a prior employer), but family members and former friends say they don't understand what any of my conditions feel like or why I behave the way I do.

I have described it, given them pamphlets and links to websites, sent them You Tube clips, but apparently their brains are too small to comprehend any of it. At this point, if I had the energy, I'd pummel each with a baseball bat for several days and nights to see if that might help them to grasp it. But I doubt that they would.

I have actually attempted suicide before, yet people who ignore me and/or avoid me for weeks/months at a time because they are "upset hearing about" my problems (car breakdown, leak in roof, disability income cut, sick dog, broken eyeglasses, painful growth on wrist, etc.) insisted on saving me, and I'm sure rather than having anything to do with love, concern or even a miniscule amount of feeling for me, those people "rescued" me merely to absolve themselves of future guilt.

Being teased, tormented, ridiculed, criticized, picked on, you-name-it, by classmates and instructors from kindergarten on up to high school and college and then by supervisors, bosses and colleagues in the workforce (which, in addition to a near-fatal auto accident in 1988, I blame in part for my fibromyalgia) taught me how cruel, heartless, soulless and evil people really are. Thus, like Loveable Nerd, I find life repulsive. In fact, at 45 I wish I were much older, because I'd really like to get off this Planet Hell sooner. I pray for a terminal illness instead of the chronic conditions I have.

The only thing that makes life bearable is my dog, whom I love with all my heart. But prior to her, I was forced to put down another dog and I still can't believe I survived that. I am certain that my current dog is my last and that, one way or another, I will not be around after she dies.

As for fear of death, I have none because I figure that if there's nothing, that we're just unconscious, as when we're put under for a procecure, then we won't have fear, pain, life, nothing. Our fears, emotions, mental and intellectual capabilities have ceased to exist because we cease to exist. If, on the other hand, there is a "heaven" or another dimension, a superior one, fine.

I'm kind of the exact opposite. I have no conscious fear of death (I've never really faced it, so I can't say I have no fear of death in an absolute sense), yet I have never felt suicidal. I suppose that's one of the odd results of really being a Christian (although not, spiritually at least, belong to any real denomination).

Sometimes I feel like that, like I've been whining but not really doing much to improve my life. Except that I think I would need a shrink to really understand me and get the help I need I'm sorry that you're so down, and I wish I had some words of encouragement. As they say, maybe start small. Make yourself a short-term goal towards the bigger prize down the line. There must be something you enjoy. Maybe if you could talk to someone on a message board that likes the same thing you do then you could meet people and maybe someone that you could date down the line since you would like to have a significant other. Have you thought of online personals or is that a bit much? I was just thinking of my sister who just met a really nice guy on yahoo and now that they've dated awhile they're moving in together. Sorry if that's a weird suggestion, maybe you're not ready for that. Just wish I could help I guess.

I wonder what the rush to die is all about. I can understand some people are not curious nor creative enough to enjoy what seems to me the fantastic variety of interesting things that each moment brings but that basically is a matter of being too lazy or too afraid to do anything else but retreat before everything that being alive offers. I have probably lived longer than most people on this site and still discover new and interesting things to do every day. Like most here I am much of a loner but that still leaves much to investigate and enjoy. Death will come of its own accord and will be very unwelcome.

eedit

Last edited by Sorenna on 31 May 2008, 9:59 am, edited 1 time in total.

You seem terribly concerned about what other people think. To hell with them. This is my life, my only chance to experience the universe and I am doing my best to take full advantage of that very precious time.

I've gone over the edge a few times over the past year. I've held some sort of metal sculpting tool up to my wrist while trying to gather the nerve to do something (I did scratch the skin hard with a pen once, but I didn't hit a major vessel). I've also briefly choked myself with a belt and stood with my eyes closed and my back facing some stairs.

I really am afraid of dying, though. I guess what I wanted was for people to understand that I really wasn't happy with myself and that I felt helpless. Over the past few weeks, though, my brains gone from melting to just sort of sizzling (but the sizzling might be my sinuses acting up because of pollen).

There are more interesting things to do with a sculpting tool than killing yourself. For one thing, you never will know if you have been successful. If you are sincere in courting danger you can explore all sorts of areas that are very frightening and see how clever you might be in evading death. And if you don't manage it, what the hell it's a win-win situation.