Why do I care if people like me?

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Maybe that's a bit of a rhetorical question... but I seem to have had a really bad problem that way the last few years. It's like, I know I'm different and I've pretty much accepted that. And I know that I really don't extend myself much at all, but I really do make an effort to try to fit in to some extent, like at work especially. So when people label me as different, strange, weird, etc. it really hurts my feelings. Part of me thinks to myself "what did you expect?" since like I said, I don't extend myself, like offering to pick people up that don't have a ride, etc. Yet it still bothers me. I need to get over this somehow but I never really do. I think if I had my way I'd just quit my job and be a hermit. Ok well, that's not really going to happen since I need to support my family. And I guess deep down I really do want to have a friend that understands me and cares and actually says "she's my friend" instead "she's weird".
*sigh*

I dunno.
Why do you care?
I don't.



Ok... slight correction : I get a buzz from pushing people outside their comfort zone... but that isn't quite the same thing, is it? I mean I make random strangers DISapprove of me rather than the other way around.

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Last edited by SotiCoto on 30 May 2008, 9:26 am, edited 1 time in total.

Wanting contact with other people is not exclusive to NTs. Some aspies care what others think of them, others don't. Unfortunately, it's hard making friends when one don't fit in.

It sounds like you intentionally keep people at arm's length. You don't open up to anyone. You don't give of yourself. You'd rather be a hermit. But at the same time you wonder why you are lonely. Obviously you can't be an aloof hermit with lots of friends. You can't have it both ways.

You're right about not having it both ways. At the same time though, lately I've been really trying to make small talk and help with the work schedule, etc. and it still doesn't seem to be enough. So that really frustrates me. About the hermit remark, I don't really mean that, it's just that when things don't go my way at work that's how I feel. Because deep down I seem to get the most upset when I'm at work. When I have a few days off at home I get over it, then have to go back and repeat the process of getting upset again. I don't really want to isolate myself, but when the world treats me like a misfit, it makes me want to hide away from it. I just feel like no matter how hard I try I can't even come across as relatively normal and I'm sick of that feeling.

Its not easy, but some aspies do crave human interaction. Who doesnt want to be accepted for who they are. Here is what i do. I am just weird, and that is how it is. Be confident in who you are and it will show. I dont care if people notice i am in my own world at times. I just explain to them that i am not trying to ignore them, just that i often shut everything out when i am focused on something, and quite literally cannot hear them. I figure honesty is the best policy. Just be friendly and smile at people. A smile goes a long way in a situation. If someone isnt accepting of my differences, they arent really who i would spend time around anyways. Just be friendly. You dont have to offer people rides if you cant handle that. Start small.

Learn good listening skills too. This means nodding and verbally responding to the person talking. You dont have to look a person in the eye constantly. If it is a distraction, focus on a wall and maintain the nodding and verbal uh-huhs. Glance back with eye contact intermittantly. This way you still maintain the listening face, but you can still look away to concentrate on the conversation. It seems to work for me.

How could you NOT care what others think of you? Anyone who says they don't is lying to themselves or to you or has learned how to survive alone - which is practically impossible. What people think of you matters because we need people's good will in order to survive. And in most cases, that good will is largely influenced by what they think of us.

What I've been trying to do is, rather than blame myself when people reject me, feel the (logical) worry of lack of good will from others. The worry is great, but less painful than the irrational self-blame taught to me.

Why would you want to?
Of course you're not going to be normal, but that doesn't mean there is no place for abnormality.

If your lot in life is to be made to suffer, then perhaps it is about time you learnt to enjoy suffering. Sometimes, there is nothing more to do than to compensate for the shortcomings of others with your own strength and conviction... and refuse to be defeated by whatever they throw at you.




I don't care what they think of me.
I mean... I eat their food, live in one of their buildings, wear their clothes, use their public transport and footpaths.... and in return I work for them, and then go home.
It doesn't mean I have to care in the slightest what they think of me. That really isn't a pre-requisite. And the only people whose opinions I have to be careful around are my employers' and providers'. Everyone else is fair game.

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Very good advice!

Al my life I've had difficulty making friends. I find it tough to let people close, and once I do I can sometimes seem overbearing because I want to tell them everything and be completely open. As a result, some people hate me or can't stand to be around me because I'm "too intense." I've also been called "aloof" and "weird" quite often, and I know how you feel about being isolated at work. I had an office job for some time and though I wanted to be liked by others, there was no one I really connected with and I wasn't about to put on a different personality just to fit in more. But I've found that by being myself, I've found a small number of friends outside work who help sustain me because they genuinely like me this way.

My advice would be to show your weirdness openly. Be friendly, but don't ignore your feelings if you think you've had too much social input and want to be alone for a while. You can always explain yourself. The people who get it and are willing to befriend you for who you really are are the ones you'll want to get to know better, and as for the others... it's their loss if they can't be flexible!

I think you have some really good advice Dawndeleon, I do think I've improved on my listening skills, I used to be horrible at it. I have realized over time just how one-sided my conversations are (not to mention how I'll go on and on about something I'm fascinated with that the other person isn't) so while I still do that, I try to listen as well. I'm not always good at responding...but I'm working on it. I absolutely suck at small talk. And when a girl at work suggested we go shopping I felt panicky and just said "yeah we should" but never made any attempt to follow her up on it, which I feel kind of bad about but the thought of initiating a social event with someone new when I'm terrible at small talk, knowing we'd have to ride in the car together, etc... was just a little much for me. What can I say, I'm a social ret*d .

I gotta hand it to you SotiCoto, I do admire your self-confidence. I do need to learn that abnormality isn't such bad thing for me and something I can adapt to and accept myself for. After all, what other choice do I have?

In case you don't know, "we should" is NT code speak for "That's not going to happen." This is something I took literally for years and years until it finally dawned on me that it was a polite way of declining to do something. I probably offended countless people by simply saying that I wasn't interested in doing whatever was suggested.

OTOH, I have people tell me all the time that they want to visit me and see my place. I tell them, "Great! Just give me a call when you want to come." They never call. To me I think I'm being open and flexible, but perhaps it's more code speak that conveys the opposite. Maybe they're asking me to suggest a date.

Anyway, this whole social getting together thing seems to be an area I'm unable to comprehend.

Keep in mind, that most people don't even know how it's like so don't expect anything, because they don't even know how the world and life is like for us aspies.

Don't hate them, just keep going and move on.

Enjoy the roses, the mountains, the stars and the rivers, and enjoy what you are given, believe you enjoy it, or you don't; and if you don't you really don't have it.

I don't care what people think of me, because it's not their business to care, their business is just to get on with life.

Nettiespaghetti I could have written that post myself. I feel EXACTLY the same and I'm going through this same situation as we speak.

I recently decided that I can't use aspergers as an excuse. While I have no intention of becoming NT, there is no reason why I can't be more social, make a few friends and do some group activities. I work at a gym and got into aerobics classes. I made friends in the class by talking to people around me, and befriended the instructors (one in particular) and was generally very sociable and friendly to everyone. I became super helpful, offering to do things for everyone. At first it went well...then comes that moment...I'm sure you all know it...where other people start to realize that you're "not quite right." You see the look on their face like "Uh oh she's coming." The super helpfulness gets taken as annoying, and people avoid you. One of the instructors in particular was incredibly patient with me. She didn't avoid me like other people start to do, took time to talk to me and was always very kind. But in the last few weeks it has started with her too. And one old friend I have had since high school has stopped contacting me, we didn't have a fight or bad words or anything. People get frightened of anyone who is not normal. I work with a small group of children on Thursdays and one is mildly autistic. The others just shun him and reject him. They are three years old.

The temptation is always there to just give up. I know just what you mean about quitting work and becoming a hermit. I did that once, for almost a year. The problem is you can't stay like that forever and it's hard to come back to real life if you try it.

Anyway if you want a friend Nettie just send me a PM, because I'm in the same boat as you!

I'm sorry you're going through it too Shelby, because I know in my case going through this over and over has caused me to have depression pretty bad as a result. Just for example as far as work, I know there is one lady there right now who just flat out doesn't like me, but she gets alone well with the others, people that don't even work as hard as me, and part of me just really badly wants to ask her why... but I don't seriously think it would get me anywhere. It would probably only make her angry that I confronted her. I seem to come across as being a bit** (not sure how else to describe it) but I don't mean to be. So then I try to be extra super nice and it still doesn't work. I think right now the best cliche to use in this case is "you're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't". I will PM you later, I have to admit I've had a touch too much to drink tonight, since it's my birthday

Yup, you are right. I went to the class of this instuctor this morning, I was almost struggling not to cry. She was the one person who didn't pull the whole "Uh here comes that not-quite-right girl, better pretend I don't see her" on me. I looked forward to her classes because she's the one person who would treat me with warmth, so I'm not taking it well that I don't have that anymore!

it depends on what 'it' you have or don't. One thing I do is sort of 'skate at the edge of friendliness'. I'm nice to most people, but I watch to see if I'm making them uncomfortable. If so, then I back off. The timing and degree are hard to get right, but it's served me fairly well.