The 'I'm worse than you' game, why?

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'be happy you don't have it as bad as me'
'you can't have it that bad, I have...'
'that couldn't have been very bad, because I know something worse'
'you can only talk as freely, because you don't know the real thing'

Why do people say such things?

I don't believe pain and bad experiences can be measured - we can't decide that one pain is less severe than the other for that person. And what does it help people, if they say they're off worst in this world? Shouldn't they say 'I'm off way better than you are!'?

I won't talk about this even if asked. Then the people get grumpy and don't want to talk to me at all.

I get told this in totally ASD unrelated situations. I get this about all kinds of topics and experiences and I don't understand it.

(Edit: If this post is confusing (?), see my second post.)

I've done that ONLY to console, help, dispel rumors that I am SO well off, or, as here, show I am part of the group.

Outside of an AS group like this I will NOT call attention to my inability to catch, meltdowns, hypersensitivities(My hyPO sensitivities have been somewhat obvious, but make it all the harder to believe some of the weaknesses), stims, certain weak areas, etc... HERE I know most of you will understand and it will dispel ideas that I am just some hypochondriac NT. It also gives my opinion and expressions of sympathy more weight.

Maybe they are trying to make you feel better but sometimes they are just trying to bring the focus of conversation back to them. There is the possibility that they do "have it worse" then you but I think it is more often just a game of compitition for simpathy and attention .

I think when my parents did it, it did serve the purpose of putting things into a larger perspective. They often did have it worse in many ways and sometimes it helps to realie that you are not the only one who struggles in life. So I think it depends on the person who is saying it and weither they are trying to help you or help themselves.

As reassurance, that things can always be worse.
As assertion, to prevent their own condition from being demeaned.
As competition, a natural drive that occurs.
As a way of taking part in the conversation.
As a defense, to protect the pain and struggle they have endured.
As a badge, to show their perseverence through their own experiences.
As a method to make one feel superior, regardless of the arena.

It was something I experienced last night in the chat function, where there appeared to be a resentment of those who were higher functioning/unimpaired yet who still suffer the frustration of their experiences and long for a sense of connection with other who share that state. Hard to comprehend, yet undeniably common.


M.

ahhhh..

I do that some times, but mostly because "i'm sorry about that!that sucks" would make for boring conversation.

No that's wrong. I do have days where I feel I no one could possibly be worse off than me, but then I'll come on and read a post about someone that does seem to be having a harder time. So then I feel bad that it even crossed my mind, much less posted it.

I'm curious why this topic keeps coming up. Everyone's got a different answer and I believe someone here listed all of the 'standard' ones. Some of us (me included) are so terrible at making conversation that when someone else around us starts complaining about a crappy day they had, or what illnesses they have, etc., the only thing we can do is tell a similar story to 'show' that we can relate. 9 times out of 10 this backfires and we come off as looking like we're trying to get sympathy, have a superiority complex, etc. It's old. If you post a rant, trust me, people are NEVER going to tell you (original poster) exactly what you want to hear, so the best thing is just ignore it if someone 'offers' an experience that just might be worse than yours.

Put it down to this:

No matter how cruddy your life might be, there's ALWAYS someone out there who is far more worse off than you are. And guess what? They don't mind telling you so.

more than anything our culture teaches us we must always feel special and unique. even if that means trumping others in some negative aspect.

I can't complain about anything without being told that my problems are insignificant compared to other people's. Our society in general refuses change until extreme disasters occur.

I hate when people use this. I am NOT other people, I've never FELT like other people, and I damn sure can't RELATE to other people. I'm not normal, so stop comparing me to them.

I'm really paranoid about conversations turning into that. I don't talk to my mom as much anymore because of that.

It seems to me that when someone else is complaining, there's a natural tendency to want to join in. I know that when someone complains to me, I'll usually respond by coming up with something similar that happened to myself, though never with the intention of convincing them that I have it worse. I suppose I do it to reassure them that they're not alone. I wouldn't be surprised if a lot of this business of comparing the relative levels of rottenness in your lives is done to console whomever you're talking to.

But then, there are some people who do it just because they get a perverse pleasure out of thinking they're more screwed up and miserable than everyone around them. I don't know what they gain from it. I suppose it makes them feel special.

All things are subjective.... so I don't play the game.


I actively refuse to play the "who has it worse" game.
I tend to just go with "your problems are yours; my problems are mine".
I get aggressive about dropping the issue if anyone tries to claim they're worse off than me. I make sure they know I do NOT want to go there.

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I dunno. I'm not talking about a conversation about something bad or being crappy at conversing.

I'm talking about a conversation about something good! And then it happens.

I mean it like this:

When I'm telling about something positive or objective and someone comes along to tell me they have the most horrible fate ever, I get confused and then irritated. I'm not telling something bad and suddenly someone discards the good and talks only about the bad. Also, usually strangers do this.

Someone just comes along suddenly, who didn't participate in the conversation earlier and starts telling everyone they're really and off and everyone else must be most happy person earth and doesn't have the right to talk about the topic.

I really don't think that's to cheer me up. Why cheer me up when I am happy?

And I do not believe people who can converse perfectly with other people fail at being as conversationalist when they talk to me. (I said I wasn't referring to anything related to ASDs!)

I don't want my good mood ruined by someone I don't know. If I'm talking about, say, the birth of a friend's baby, which I found to be awesome, I don't understand why someone who didn't spoke up before suddenly says something like that their baby died or that their baby is sick and that they never want this to happen to anybody. And then they talk all about this.

Or if I talk about how a car looks like, somebody who was silent before suddenly says: Be happy you don't have a devastating accident with a car. And then they talk about the accident. What's that got to do with what I say?

If I try to cheer them up, they'll get aggressive towards me.

They want to keep talking about their misery and that nobody's like them instead, but not change the topic or work through their emotions. But they want me to respond too? With what? So that's totally not making any sense!

They don't want to be cheered up or debate the issue. Why do they want to talk about the topic then?

I can't give them anything they want! But they must want something?

Similar to how SotiCoto said it, I refuse to talk to a person like about this topic then. Because it really looks like a game to me. One without a purpose maybe.

If I'd be discussing a bad situation or a problem, such a reaction would be a response I understand. If it happens on here, that makes sense. That's what WP should be like - being able to speak what's on your mind and searching for solutions or just stating your opinion without wanting a response (I do this, I think most do this last one too).

As was said, I can also understand this situation if they want something from me, like my money.

But I talk about how I got to know a friend and suddenly someone says they've had the worst time at school and never got friends and everybody hated them.

If it were a statement, it's all right. Like on WP, you know? Somebody makes a statement and that's it.

But what I'm talking about is when people want everyone to discuss what they said. But I don't understand what reaction I'm supposed to give so that they don't get mad at me.

Agreeing with them - no. Disagreeing with them - no.

So... that leaves what response exactly?

I'm currently experiencing health problems to such an extent that I've been ordered not to work by a doctor. I posted about that on the other forum and right away everyone was saying how i needed to stop being and lazy and go out and get a job. They knew I could work because X had Y wrong with him and he could still make it to work.

Umm, I was ordered not to work by a doctor. So maybe X symtpoms are worse than what I'm experiencing, but unless his doctor told him that if he took off work for 4 months he could return to a normal level of health by the end of the year, but if he continued working he would potentially have these problems for the rest of his life, and they could worsen, you can't compare what he does to me. Personally I have no desire to be a wasteless lump of energy who can't get out of bed for the rest of my life and the doctors told me thats what I can expect will happen if I do physically active stuff right now (even quick walking for more than 5 minutes a day). That's why I'm not forcing myself to do things I'm not phsyically capable of right now. But yet I'm told somethings wrong with me by others because I'm following the doctors orders rather than nearly killing myself, and endangering the lifes of everyone on the road, by working fulltime right now