Do you have a low tolerance for people? Do I?

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I have to warn you in advance this might sound like a rant, or maybe a bit whiney, I'm not sure. So I'll apologize in advance.

I seem to get upset about things people say and do quite a bit. I wonder if it's me or if it's them being jerks. I do think I'm a little bit on the sensitive side and I get either hurt or angry because I tend to see the glass as half empty rather than half full if that makes sense. I've been described as cynical, although it's no small wonder since people really can be extremely selfish in this world. I do think I'm justified most of the time, even with having aspergers and knowing I'm not NT.

Here's a story that brought this on. Yesterday was my birthday (not trying to get attention I swear). One of the only people I call a friend never called me or sent me any texts on my phone or came online. I wasn't surprised since he did the same thing last year. Except last year it was in the afternoon when I sent him an IM saying "you forgot" and he said "I didn't forget you never gave me the chance to say it". So this year I didn't say a word. Finally at 10:30 at night he sends me an IM just talking the usual "how are ya, what are ya doin'" type crap. I talked for a minute like nothing was wrong, but finally I said "guess what?" and he says "what?" I said "you forgot my birthday again this year" and suddenly he acts like he's mad at me and says "I just logged on you didn't give me a chance" although mind you he sent me a text earlier with the picture of a lake he was visiting, so if he had access to his cell phone didn't say anything, call or whatever obviously he didn't remember. I was so upset that he would lie to me and start trying to cover his butt like he always does that I really laid into him and told him what a jerk he was. I do wonder deep down if I should have taken it to that level, but he saw how bad I felt the previous year from him forgetting, so why he would do it all over again is beyond me. Obviously I like to have some acknowledgment once a year, is that too much to ask?

Very sorry if this was whiney, but like I said, he's the only person I talk to other than my husband that I actually call a friend. And this whole thing really made me wonder just how much of a friend he really is, to continually tell me lies (it's not the first time he's done it by any means). It's like he does something wrong and he just won't admit it, tries to make himself into the victim instead. Grrrr so mad about it, and disappointed.

What matters is whether you have a low tolerance for your husband. Does your friend serve as a reminder to your husband that you have other options if he doesn't tow the line? Your desire for attention from your friend sends they wrong message to your husband.

Two years ago, I was immersed in getting acclimated to a new assignment that paid over $50/hour ($2K per week). I just couldn't afford to goof it up so I gave it my FULL and I do mean full attention. I completely forgot my wedding anniversary. My wife gave me a "mulligan", complimented me on how well I was providing for our family and suggest I make it up to her next year.

I'm afraid to ask what would happen if your husband forgot your wedding anniversary.

Last edited by tailfins1959 on 31 May 2008, 8:24 am, edited 1 time in total.

I didn't think of it that way, I certainly don't think of my friend that way. I guess it's just the fact that he's basically the only friend I have and he can't even say a simple happy birthday. So now I'm back to not even having a friend at all.

It was poor form on his part to forget your birthday but I think you probably did over-react a bit.

It is probably good that he isn't in the picture anymore though since you do have a husband and from the way you described it you seemed a little too attached to this guy and his reaction to you.

hi nettiespaghetti ,

I had to reply and say I'm really sorry to hear that incident with your friend ......of course there is the question - was he just so immersed in stuff that he really did forget - I myself would do that if I wasn't so aware of hurting people - heck - I've already probably done it without realising anyway BUT back to the point - I'm sorry to hear it and think I can relate to it - I have mostly male friends - aside from my boyfriend - and never think of it as trying to get attention from them instead - they are just friends - I get on better with men mostly - just the way it is. My female friends are always blowing me out - get's me down as they must know I really need the support - maybe that's why they do it - ha ha , anyway, except one - where we have an understanding that's it's not personal and we both respect that we have 'off days' when doing anything or making contact is impossble. Anyway this has obviously upset you and quite rightly - if you want to pm me then do - ranting is fine! ....really could relate to this today as have been blown out twice in one day by people who know i'm really unwell at the moment grrrr!!

your friend ( if that's ok to say that)

5th

Maybe you are right. See I've known my "friend" for many years, before I met my husband. But I truly don't like him that way and my husband tells me it's ok that we're friends because he has friends that are female. Plus he knows I don't really have other friends. But... maybe you're right. Perhaps I'm really selfish to do that to my husband and I probably have underlying issues with my friend. Not "that" kind of issue, just the fact that he has lied to me in the past, etc. Maybe the fact that he's getting divorced and paying me even more attention now should be a big clue to leave him be. I think it's hard for me to not have much of anyone to talk to because my husband works at least 50 + hours a week and I work opposite shifts of him so I don't even get to talk to him very much and while I'm good by myself for the most part, it was nice to have someone else text me and ask how I was doing, etc. Just to have someone that I felt actually cared so I wasn't completely isolated. Because there are times when it gets to me, this feeling of total isolation. And my son has some very major health issues, so that stresses me. So I do want to have some interraction so I'm not going crazy.

Happy Birthday! nettiespaghetti

I used to be like you until I start to stop expecting anything from anybody. This way you never get disapointed.

Yes.

I don't like people. They annoy me

Thank you for understanding 5thelement. I do have to say now that I'm feeling like crap though, because I think deep down I've expected alot out of my husband already. He told me last night that it was true he didn't know what he was getting into when it comes to me being different, having aspergers, etc. but that he loved me anyway. So I think maybe I've been really callous. But like I said, I just want to have someone understand me so I don't feel so completely alone. I've went my whole life being different, the outcast, the one people picked on in school. I felt my "friend" actually seemed to accept me as I was. Even though he has been kind of a rotten friend in ways I probably should just leave alone... I just feel so isolated and I've been through so much with my son's health, (he almost died) and I don't have my husband here hardly ever. So I go from cast-off to dealing with something I really can't control with my son, to my husband not being here to support me much even though he tries to be... Can someone say meltdown? No I'm not doing that, I'm just confused. I probably shouldn't expect people on here to be my shrink, sorry!

I don't know about anyone being anyones 'shrink' -( the word just makes me want to vomit) - but surely this is the place to talk to others like yourself so as long as you're not being abusive it's ok to say what's on your mind / have a rant - whatever - this is supposed to be a safe place isn't it? Your situation sounds very difficult and i salute you for coping with it - ( ok, might not feel like you are - but you doing ok - you wrote your post and you are in touch with us lot ) I think it's great that your husband says he loves you all the same by the way.

5thelement, I think I talk to guys more easily too for whatever reason. I guess it's that the women I've tried to be friends with are so catty. A girl that I was good friends with in school, I finally had enough and just left her be. She backstabbed me so bad over and over. See I come from a small town, and it would get back to me cruel things she would say. She'd come visit and ask me alot of questions about myself and then when I opened up to her and told her personal things she'd just go blab them to everyone. Just as an example. And that's not the first negative female encounter I've had. Probably sounds like I'm justifying alot, but it's hard to have so much negative experiences with females while at least men will usually keep their mouths shut if you tell them something (most of the time). Not that some men aren't gossipy but in my case, 99% of the time it's the females running their mouth and stabbing me in the back.

Thank you!

I agree - men in general do seem to be better at keeping things to themselves - at least it appears that way to me. From my experiences there are more tactful and more protective - and not necesarily because of any sexual feelings they might or might not have towards one ( it's a 'bloke' thing - discussed it with my boyfriend this morning - made me feel a whole lot better realising it wasn't necesarily a sexual thing) I find the majority of women are just so insecure that they have to wage 'catty' war on any other female.....I could be over generalising here ?? - but it's just from my own experience and observations/experiences - it's like they have been programmed to do it from birth somehow - and they never fitted me with that 'programme' - so, lucky me - I just don't see the point of it. Have you come accross the book 'Women from Planet' edited by Jean Kearns Miller ? I'd recommend it if you haven't read it - it's about and written by women on the autistic spectrum - I've found it very helpful - and positive - anyway - just a thought - i know it's baled me out of deep water a few times

Oh yeah he was just covering himself. I really think he might classify as a pathological liar. He's lied about the damndest things. But I try to overlook it because I know I'm not perfect either. Oh well, maybe there comes a time to move on from bad friendships...and that time has come.
Sorry your ex treated you badly Spokane_girl, sounds like he was sorry he dumped you and might have suddenly realized what he had when it was gone. His loss!

just realised that i typed in recommended book name incompletely

should have read 'Women from Another Planet'

Happy Birthday! (sorry, just had to be said...

I've learned that you make allowances to an extent for people. However, once you have a level of expectations that corresponds with the way they really are, that's about all the friendship they can offer.

Another guy thing is just forgetting significant dates like that. I can't remember my parent's birthdays (know them to within a day, but only recently got Mom's right...

since he's a friend, he may not attach the same importance to it. But if he's a pathological liar (I mean, more than most me are already..., either just ignore it, or start looking for other friends.

The odd thought is, he may be AS too...just judging from the slim amount of info we have...