Just sharing some things looking for advice

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Some things have got me thinking, and I wanted to share and perhaps get some advice. I tried to make it shorter but I’m just not good at summarizing because I’ve never really been able to figure out what thing are deemed as trivial and boring to others and could be left out. So I’d be very grateful if you guys made it through the whole thing forgiving the perhaps unnecessary length or the seeming inconsistency of my post.

Today I was making my mom and sister do the eye expression test; mom said I must have gotten a low sore on it. When I told her that actually I got them all right, she said “but you never look at people’s eyes”. I said without thinking that those are all pictures of actors/actresses. Which made me think of how much better I interpret TV and movies than real life, then it got me thinking that actually even in real life when I get a chance of observing people without them being aware, I could a lot of times correctly guess their state of mind on a deeper emotional level.

so I have a theory that it may be because of a lack of participation in these sorts of things that helps me understand things quiet much better, because in usual situation I am so preoccupied and overwhelmed by what it is that is expected of “me” that I can’t even think quite right, and even if I can venture a guess about the others’ states of mind, it still doesn’t help me with showing the current reaction or action. I think I have myself as a quite separated concept from the outside of world, maybe very much because of the fact that most of my knowledge of it has come from books or movies and stuff, where it is a system that works without my direct contribution and my only role is observing, and of course that is what probably caused me in the first place to turn into them.Like this ridicules thought I sometimes have is that I wish I could record real life events and watch them as to make it more understandable for myself.

Now I am wondering how can I reconcile the two concepts of “the world” and “me” so I can navigate in it more successfully.
Have anybody else had a similar pattern in their lives? Have you been able to find any way to somewhat reconcile these two concepts to not struggle so much when it seems that something is expected of you but you do not understand even after being told what is it that you should do or how you should go around doing that? I do grasp it when someone plainly tells me what is expected or desired from me, but it still would take me quite an effort to find my own way of accomplishing that and t the end of the day I get nothing because I find out that what I have had to try so hard to accomplish in other’s eyes is something that I should I have done anyway and even if it is appreciated it is hard for them to accept that the next time is not really much easier or of less effort for me specially there is the slightest change in the situation and thus their expectations.

Another related thing that I’ve been thinking about is something that one of my psychiatrists said once, that I couldn’t have a disorder because I haven’t actually ever failed, regardless of how difficult it has been for me to keep my balance on this thin rope of sanity (not so thin in his opinion though I don’t know he would he diagnose me with several anxiety “disorders” then?). Have you all (diagnosed) not been successful at work/school regarding the academic and work quality? And why would I have all this anxiety from pretty much everything if I thought I was successful? Doesn’t the constant struggle count for something? Doesn’t I not allowing myself to fail no matter what count for something?

I read in TA’s paper on girl that usually they do function better than AS boys of same intelligence level, but does that mean that us girls and even some of more high functioning guys have an easier time at it, or is it just that we simply don’t give up on ourselves and or others compared to other ASers at the same level intellectually who give up easier than us and let themselves go? Not saying which one is right or wrong, considering a lot of us don’t seem to be happy one way or the other (well “who is really happy ever?). But how do you cope/not cope with stuff that is draining you totally? How do you decide how to handle the consequence of giving up and/or not giving up? Is this a decision you make consciously or do you just go with the flow of your emotions/thoughts? And how much of a role does having or a lack of a strong support system plays into different aspect of your life?

And the further we go the higher the expectations become. So on one hand I am nearly constantly overly exhausted and at the verge of a complete emotional break and on the other I have people laughing at me for making such a big deal out of small matters not understanding the only reason I do good at these stuff comparatively is because of all the energy I put into it. So I am very frustrated right now because I know I won’t be happy whether I give up r not and maybe less happy if I do. But because I have made it this far others think it must be easy for me and I’m just being dramatic or “crazy” (but I don’t have a disorder!) for being so exhausted, emotional and depressed over what they see as an easy life.
Anyone else been going through anything similar? Have found a way for coping better with this?
Thanks.

Thanks for sharing this struggle. You aren't alone with this one.

Know that as you get older, and you have more practice at this, it really (no, REALLY!) does get easier.

Caring deeply about successfully completing tasks is a good thing. Trying to 'be the best you can be' isn't a detriment.

The hard part is that we can't do it all the time, as much as we'd like to or feel compelled to. As an example: I could, if I chose to, become a very good flute player. I don't play the flute now. But I know that I have and continue to achieve many things that were considered difficult or effectively impossible for me by pouring massive amounts of effort in to it. I could apply this to the flute, and while I'm never going to be a James Galloway (famed flute player) I would be competent and enjoy it.

But I would use all of the resources that I presently pour in to my job and my marriage and my children and being a home owner to learn to play the flute. And so I have to put aside the desire to do that thing because there is only so much of me to go around, even if I could be really good at something else.

You will learn the same lesson, either by pursuing it and practicing it by will power or when you find that you cannot succeed at everything and have a failure...and that will break you. But you'll learn the lesson one way or another.

So make it another success! Failing is one of the basic freedoms. If you fail, that means that you tried. Many who are trapped in the mire of their own compulsions and fears are there because they refuse to try.

You are young and have a long fruitful life ahead of you, and time to learn these lessons. Be great part about learning them sooner rather than later is that the knowledge and practice (which is what life is) give you the resiliency to cope with greater pressures than you can now. It is like developing calluses: to make it stop hurting, you have to keep going for a while even when it hurts. And then the callus forms, and gradually you can do things that you could never do before.

Like you, I am an observer. I participate, when I do, by working on things that go on behind the scenes. Using TV as a test environment for your emotional reading skills is a great idea. Let me recommend another that really helped me: live theater. You don't necessarily have to 'act' to derive the benefit (though I eventually did.) Just attend. Go to dramas, mysteries, comedies, and sit up close enough to the stage that you can really watch the actor's faces and body language. The acting style used for TV is very different than it is for theater, which uses slightly more exaggerated motions so that they can be seen by the audience in the last row. But being up front will really let you see the interaction closely. Very, very good theater is like real life. So consider it as an option. Go see a play this weekend: it will cost you $20 and you might find that you not only enjoy it, but you derive enormous learning opportunities from it. I did.

M

thank you very much for you reply.

I actually love theater very much and have been to quite a few plays, though I don't get a chance to go these days. my doctor suggested to me that I should take drama classes too, but I have a serious stage fright and I've never actually played in any sort of plays before, even in school.

Where I live things usually get harder not easier, so one doesn't even have that hope. But still that has been some sort of motivation: hoping that things would get easier. but as I said it actually seems to be getting worse. Thing is the price of failing might be too much for me to handle. I know that life doesn't end there, but dreams do.

MLG,

You are very welcome.

I read a book many years ago called 'stage fright' and it had a very unusual premise: That the most successful actors were not those who did not have stage fright--in fact, it asserted that only very BAD actors have no stage fright. All good actors have stage fright. But the very best actors are the ones who learned how to channel or guide this heightened anxiety in to making the character that they were playing vibrant and ALIVE. I am sure you have felt the tipping point of anxiety: in a mild form it sharpens your mind and forces all of your concentration on what you are trying to solve/avoid/acquire. When it goes too far though, past the tipping point, the anxiety starts to control YOU, rather than you using it to motivate or power you to your goal.

I don't know how much of that is applicable to you and your life, but I have found it true in mine. And even though life circumstances may be different, healthy or successful ways to deal with them are usually much the same no matter where we are or who we are.

I understand what you mean about how things often (mostly) look like they will always get worse. That is how I often view the world, and rely (like a crutch, I am not ashamed to say) of my friends and family to help me see more than one way of looking at the world around me.

Here is a practical thing I have done that has helped me. If you try it, perhaps it will help you.

Get a piece of paper and a pencil. Write about every good thing in your life. List every tiny thing you can think of, even the ones that don't seem important. Write it as a thank you letter to God. "Thank you for my mother who cares for me. I know people who have no mother who cares for them. Thank you for the meal I ate this morning, when many people in the world went hungry. Thank you that I can converse with other people like me when others suffer in silence..." You get the idea.

See how long you can make the list. Nothing is too small, or ridiculous to say thank you for. Use your imagination.

I have found that when I make a consistent effort to try to list all of the good things in my life, the very hard things in my life shrink back to their real size. They do not go away. But they do become balanced with the truth.

Salaam.

M

If you try really hard, think about it intensely, you can forget how to walk and talk.

I think we can all read emotion, expression, but where it is used for manipulation, we do not respond as the person was trying.

One does not have to go onstage to benefit from drama. All it takes is a mirror, seeing how you come across, and doing lines.

One thing I would give us is a childlike natiure, or so we appear to some, who will try to treat us as children, the normal response is anger, not fear.

A little practice at giving dirty looks, showing a hostile side, comes in usefull.

Who are you? As I recall you are the highly educated computer girl, and intelligent woman. It is not how do I play thousands of roles on demand, but one at a time. We are not our public persona, but it does come in useful, like the clothes we wear that denote age, class, education, position in life.

I find I get through on a few stock answers to most situations. Our big problem is honest, when someone says, How are you? We think about it. Fine, and you? Is the proper reply.

So role playing, and you have what you need. When you put on a new outfit, don't you go and say, How do I look Mom? You have a great audience who will never lose interest.

We do reherse lines, everyone does, such as asking for a raise, reporting a problem, these are ritual situations. It is very possible to inform someone they are the worst example of a human ever made, while remaining calm and cheerful.

Half of communication is others reading us, the main problem when we present a blank. Feeding them a socially acceptable role works.

How do I say? Is an endless question.

How do you answer the door, talk to older relatives, interact at work? These are all things you can practice, with a mirror, and with Mom. Hi, how are you? can get an automatic response without a pause, of fine, and you?

After a while it comes natural, and you can even react without script, just keep in mind what the other person wants, understands. We speak different in different situations.

Our main fault is over thinking in a simpler world. The whole lot here would change after a summer of acting school.

You are not you, you are your mother's daughter, a modest young woman of good family, high education, and few should ever dare speak to you in any but the most socially agreeable terms.

As Jane Austin said when she turned evil and nasty, putting out the strongest threat in no uncertine terms. "My father is a Gentleman, and I am a Gentelman's Daughter.

I feel for you.

It’s hard if you are an exceptionally intelligent person who nonetheless has difficulties as people tend to discredit/trivialize your struggles. You will be accused of being lazy, not trying hard enough, etc. because people can’t get it through their thick skulls that just because something is easy for them doesn’t make it easy for you, despite talents you may have in other areas. Sometimes I don’t know whether this attitude comes out of envy or ignorance or what. And we are supposed to be the ones that lack empathy.

I have had it come to the point where I feel as though I need to underplay my talents just so people don’t assume they can put pressure on me in the areas of weakness. After a while it gets to the point where I don’t even appreciate the things I excel at because all I ever think about are the things I can’t do. The things that are enjoyable or come easy to me eventually loose all creditability in my mind and I become hopelessly depressed.

I don’t know exactly what the culture is where you are. Whether people are somewhat enlightened/understanding of the situation or if they tend to be of the “one shoe fits all” mentality that dismiss your difficulties as “laziness” or “lack of effort”. Yes, people suck.