Would like to know your opinion

Post Reply New Topic

Hi, I'm new to this site & only ended up here becuz of a fight I had earlier. A friend has been really mad at me, & even tho I can tell becuz his behavior is not the same as always I couldnt figure out why. He eventually told me (I said something hurtful, but did not realize it) but the reason I ended up here came afterward.

I became very frustrated becuz I could not respond to him except the way I had responded & I knew it wasnt enough for him, so I got mad & started yelling at him how hard it is for me to even be comunicating & after telling & discribing somethings to him, he apologized & asked me if I was autistic. It's not the first time someone has asked me that & it really bothered me becuz I know a few autistic people, in particular a friends brother who is exactly my age but acts like a 10 y/o & throws fits & has no self control. I had seen Mozart & the whale but that didnt really seem to resemble me either but I did end up looking up Aspergers & was wondering if you could tell me if you think I should get checked out. I have been diagnosed "atypical" ADD & "atypical" major depression, but Aspergers makes a LOT more sense than either of those do & to be honest it would be extremely... helpful, to know why I have such a hard time understanding people)

So, to start, I was reading a thread here about "hearing voices" & I was pretty surprised becuz I have always "talked" to myself in my head, when I was little I would tell myself stories, I'm even doing it right now, kind of practicing what I'm going to say. Sometimes I keep repeating words in my head until they stop having "meaning". I thought every body does that. I read somewhere about collecting things & didnt really think I did it, but then I realize I do like to own every book by an author, then getting less normal I guess, I tend to collect paper, lke interesting newspaper articles excpet they arent, bit & pieces of cloth, beads... I say its "useful" & I do sometimes use them, but mostly I just store them & have had most of the same stuff in boxes for the past I dont know how many years. I had to throw most of it away but I still saved some of it even tho I am moving from PR to new mexico & will have to ship it. I mean if I lose it I will probably forget I even owned it but I like to have it.

I just quit a job, for the dumbest reason ever, & thats cuz my head started to get heavy. Like, I would get crazy bitchy & nervous & everything really weighed on me. At work, I like to have everything in a certain place (I am usually messy at home) & it bothers me a lot if someone is in my place moving stuff. When I work I have a "line"/greeting I repeat verbatim to everyone, people think its being polite, but its just to make things easier & I have a hard time remember faces, like unless a person is really "different" or "interesting" I cant remember there face at all, so people get mad, luckily I can remember what the buy or how much they spend or something. When there is a lot of people in a row I cant handle it at all, my brain just focuses completely on like ringing up the merchandise. I'm a pushover, I dont know how to react in any kind of confrontation & usually start shaking, it also gets really hard for me to talk, I start stuttering even tho I have never had a speach impediment, so anyone who can talk faster than me wins any arguement. I get really nervous if I have to look a stranger in the eye, in fact I only do so with close friends, & I hate to be touched by strangers, I put up with it but I get irrationally angry, even on full buses. I feel like I need to give/get PERMISSION to touch, permission feels very important. In my head things feel right or wrong & extremely definite, I have a hard time understanding other people ideas & explaining my own, I usually have to repeat myself in variation until someone understand me... I can manage pretty well becuz I write poetry but poems that "feel" extremely important to me, are trite or irrational or make no sense to other people becuz the content is something that doesnt matter to them or I dont think most people THINK in the same way I do. I feel sometimes like my "me" is just floating along below the surface watching things but only a few things reach me, & I cant figure out how to reach other people. I can fake it really well, & trick them, but I get freaked out & back off, like in relationship, becuz I can tell I'm not "feeling" in the same way they are.

I've always been good at tests, but I'm a pretty bad student, in elementary school I was sent to title I becuz they assumed I was ret*d, but after taking some tests I actually showed up as "gifted", in high school, I almost never went to class but passed by taking tests (not GED, normal in class tests, teachers would give me a book, but I always needed them to show me, as soon as I see something done I can almost always mimick it-pretty much anything from math to wood working). Most of my present friends are people I met in highschool, but even tho I have an extremely distinctive personality & am fiercely opinionated, I'm a "push-over". A few days ago a friend asked me why I go along with some things even tho I dont agree with them, etc & I honestly dont know it just feels easier to not provoke conflict.

I have a really hard time in groups, less if I know everyone, & I've learned to not hide my natural inclinations, just to camoflage it as sillyness, like an urge to mimic someone, I hide as teasing, so a lot of people think I am funny, becuz I "joke" a lot when I'm nervous, or just ramble, which is apperently charming.

But I'm now 24 years old, I cant get through university altho I keep trying, I'm at the point of giving up. & even tho I'm very social up to a point, I definitely need alone time & I cant find a job that matches my abilities & gives me what I need that isnt a crappy part time as a cashier, & I have very definite goals, I dont know how I will accomplish them, but at the rate I am going I know I wont...

So I just wondered if you think it's worth it for me to see if I have Asperger's or am I just trying to find an excuse for my laziness & social inadequacy? Thanks for even reading this far tho...

Welcome!

You don't seem that lazy,you seem to be trying very hard to fit in and avoid conflict.

It looks like you might, one thing is that aspergians or aspies often can have very different things, so can have some but not have others. For me I am a good student but terrible at tests. I know how you feel about groups, I find it hard doing group activities, but lately I have been trying to voice my opinion.

Yup sounds like it wouldn't be a waste of time if you want to find out. Why don't you think you're going to get through uni? I just wondered as I feel like that. What are you studying? I'm doing electronics engineering.

ADD individuals also have learning/processing issues, better you research before challenging an existing diagnosis for another that you yourself are not sure of. I have doubted myself over the years and asking for validation usually implies falsehood, when you know something applies to you it is an epiphany.

Becuz, high school, & school in general has a "frame" (?) like a pattern, but uni is different & I started in a huge university, like 21,000 students, I couldnt remember my classmates, I would get bored & leave class, wonder round for a while. I have no problems doing the work, but I cant sit still> I had no friends or family, & at that point in time it was still very difficult for me to talk (I would speak in a whisper or my lips would move & in my head I was saying something but not out loud). It was never so bad when I was young, but it got really bad for a while and then I started doing volunteer work with kids which helped a LOT, cuz they MAKE you talk.
NOW, I'm finally at the point where I can make a "non daily" pattern, like, a "weekly" one, in my head its not mon. tue. etc its... work school work work school work, if that makes any sense?

My ADD diagnoses was atypical, & my original psychologist was not convinced at all, but I ended up with a phsychiatrist who just fed me drugs.
Also I was diagnoed as an adult, becuz in high and middle school I was pretty much allowed to do what I wanted becuz I had no learning difficulties, in fact quite the opposite, I moved to PR from ohio in 7th grade speaking no spanish and was getting A's & B's by 10th, but as soon as I moved to the more rigorous and solitary university it all fell apart. Uni has a definite structurem but no leniency for my needs, I get easily frustrated and give up, not becuz I cant do the work but becuz waiting for everyone else makes me mad. My youngest brother has ADHD & was extremely active/ violent, so growing up, other than being consider slow in school, I mainly just read a lot & was ignored. I did however have a small group of "school friends" which I never shared outside with, & my closest friend had downs syndrome.

My problems all seem to stem from social inadequacy, I've had to work very hard & while I can see I've improved enormously, it is still affecting me in school. I NEED an active support system & I have only just managed to build one, but I am moving to new mexico & I dont want to fall back, also it was very hard making these friends, I am very childlike in my interaction with people, naive and demanding. I try to bribe people fr attention. Like, my best friend, I just kept calling her & inviting her to come eat, & becuz she was also a starving student she did, but I know that can be seen as wierd or intimidating behavior, becuz I also tend to say things without realizing they are shocking, I have a hard time making close friends.

You DEFINITELY sound like you are on the spectrum. That is to say you are autistic!

You obviously learned a lot about how you are. You are now only finding a label for it. Look up the DSM, and see if the symptoms can cause you grief in areas you are having trouble in. MAYBE it can help you plan you life better. You described a LOT of things that make you sound HFA or AS. I think you may be HFA.

You are OBVIOUSLY capable and have great potential and may do VERY well in some areas, but you may fail in some things others find easy. The trick is to build your life around success.

actually I dont fit in at all, I just go with the flow & pretend I'm being zen, but I'm usually not having fun & I often times end up doing things I dont really want to. I really have definite morals & standards I hold myself to & I know its all about "just say no" but somehow that all goes out the window too often. & my avoiding conflicts lets it keep on happening.
For example:
I have a summer job watching teen agers overnight at a hotel, my job is to keep them from getting in trouble- drinking, drugd, etc. A "friend" of mine was "helping" me, but actually he was undermining my authority & trying to force/pressure me to take two 15 y/os to a bar. I was really mad, becuz he was way inappropriate but it seemed easier to let it go for a while. LAter, we met some other friends (becuz my mean pal, decided to call up a bunch of people) & were deciding what to do, I took a friend aside & was complaining about the situation, when he asked me why I was letting him act that way, but he supported me and helped me. Later on I did end up yelling at the guy, telling him not to disrespect me, etc. but I know I couldnt have done it without my other friends support. Which makes me feel... lame... is my personality this weak? Why cant I just yell at him becuz I am mad & he is being an idiot? I was going to ignore it & just never talk to him again, either way the friendship is over but I'm happy I stood up for myself, but it was unbelievably hard to do & I needed "backup" to do it

I dont know what HFA & AS stand for? I assume high functioning autistic & aspergers?

anyway thanks to everyone for replying!

Yep - got that right. Reading what you've written; in my expert opinion, though admittedly with only minimal information, you may very well be an Asperger. Just be very, very careful - there's a lot of BS out there about Aspergers. Just make sure you hear the truth - and not crap from some as*holes like John Best, Jenny McCarthy and their rabid pack-followers.

Welcome to WP!

Mostly I've just been reading online, just loking for basic info & symptoms. Becuz I know I have symptoms & I know I dont react normally & I have a really hard time with basic stuff, but nothing really applied to everything. Plus Jenny McCarthy looks dumber than a stump, I dont waste my time worrying about dumb people's opinion, or even most peoples for that matter.

Hey dude welcome to WP. You certainly sound like one of us : )