expressing phsyical affection to a relative

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What a pleasure it is to be bavck on wrongplanet.! !! I've beren off for several months because i've been really busy with the kids and schoolyear.

I could post on parents forum but i really wanted first to get the point of view from people with aspergers so i can understand my son, so i can help from from the inside.

So that is why from teh beginnig I have posted in the more general sites and in the ones for youths.

And all of your thoughtful responses have been so tremendously helpful. In the last year and a half since diagnosis ive learned so much about being aspie and it has just been so wonderful to talk to my son about aspergers with the knowledge that i have gained from the forum.

My next question (i'm on a roll today) is about phsyical affection.

My 15-year old son is a bit like me (I'm NT) in that we like to challenge people a bit, push them a bit, be a bit contrary.

He does not have sensory problems. Ive seen him (and have photos and videos) of him hanging all over a friend with his arm around his friend's shoulders. He and his buddies when they're at home are constantly touching arms, etc. when they sit on the sofa to play games.

I used to eat him up with kisses til he was 5ish, when he started to say he didnt like kisses.

Then (for my poor mother and aunt who adore him) I taught him a way to kiss his aunt and grandma, by rubbing his cheek with hers, which in the end is even more affectionate than a kiss -- such a gentle sensual touch. (but he's forgotten that now since they live far away).

So anyway, i'm not sure about this kid's weak hugs and rejected hand caressing by me or jumping when I put my hand on his back (if he's entralled in something like the computer sometimes he doesnt notice that i'm touching him and then he doesnt jump).

He is in adolescence now and that also could contribute.

But my question is: if you know how much a loving family member needs and wants your touch, only now and then, why refuse it? Is it really so awful? I express my love in the things that i do for him, the sacrifices i make and the loving things i tell him. So why not just give mommy a nice strong hug. What's it gonna cost you?

Thanks again!

It could be that he's trying to be independent because he feels he needs to be in the NT world. Men particularly feel pressure to be that way. But if you talk with him in a relaxed environment and explain clearly that a hug would mean a lot to you that might help.

Oh, and most of us don't like surprises and jump easily. If you're going to hug or anything else try to make sure he sees it coming and is comfortable with it first. We're very unnerved by the unexpected.

Part of what you're describing can be attributed to age. I assume that the puberty demon has overtaken your child?

I'm on the spectrum, but my son is NT. He doesn't have the sensory overload issues that I do. He was a very affectionate kid almost to the point of being too affectionate for me (and yes, too much huggy-kissy type interactions can make me physically ill) when he was little, but when the puberty demon hit (about age 13) there was nothing more "gross" to him than hugging on Mommy. My son went from a huggy Klingon to an aloof and snide, sullen teen pretty much overnight.

I am not nearly as uncomfortable with physical contact with relatives as I am with others, but there is still a degree of discomfort and unease for me. For me a little bit goes a very long way. I don't love people any less than if I would - or could- hang all over them all the time. I wasn't as distressed with my son's lack of physical interaction with me as I was with his obsession with the girls and their 34DDs. He was quite girl crazy, and had to be seen as the cool dude at all times.

There may be a time when you will have more normal interaction with your son. I am very sensitive to physical touch and really have issues with it (a childhood full of torment and beatings by siblings and peers probably didn't help) but not everyone on the spectrum is as peculiar about it as I am.

I suspect if he was physically affectionate as a child, once the puberty demon passes (my son was about 16 when he started mellowing out again) he may be more physically affectionate again.

However, your relationship with your son will change as he grows from little boy to adult. Mine is 23 with a daughter of his own, so our relationship has had to adapt over the years- from mouthy adolescent bad boy, to starving college kid, to a man with a child. It's an adjustment, but not a bad one. You will become less "Mommy" and hopefully as your son grows, more of a mentor and confidante.

Keep the communication lines open, and even when you might not like what he has to say, listen and be there. Give him a "safe space."

picture this: the person putting his hand on your back is wearing a glove covered in tiny needles, like the stem of a rose.

touch, especially when it's light and/or unexpected, can cause excrusiating pain. i can touch and be touched without feeling this, but i must prepare for it and actively desenticise the parts of skin which will be involved, and keep it in that state.

if i'm truly involved (like your son playing the computer), my mind is disconnected from my body, so you could even drop your steaming coffee on me and i won't notice, so touch will be safe in that case.

it costs me a lot of energy to ignore the fact that other peoples' skin is prickly (well, it feels as such), especially of those which i don't love and/or trust.
the more i like a person, the easier it gets to tolerate their touch.
in this view, puberty can make your touch hurt more indeed, as during puberty, you usually like your parents less (well, NTs do, and some aspies will as well)

Doesn't sound like an ASD thing to me. It sounds like a 'being 15' thing. No teenage boy wants to hug his Mommy; sorry. It doesn't mean he loves you any less. It may get better in later years, but it will never go back to the way it was when he was 8. My family is non-touch, and that's the way I like it. I still find physical contact from anyone who is not my partner to be... just plain weird and uncomfortable. I love my mother but, at 32 years old, I don't want to hug her (or anyone else).
Also keep in mind that ASDs often have trouble expressing affection in appropriate ways. It's either too much or nothing at all. My partner has had to get used to this about me. I am not romantic, I am not huggy-huggy, and most of the time, I am not interested in physical contact, either sexual or non-sexual, even from him. For 90% of our day, we're good friends and roommates; there's only that 10% where he needs to be more affectionate and hold hands or hug, and I've learned to give him that. I've become comfortable with it after a lot of adjustment, but it's not natural to me.
Lastly, your son is in puberty and learning to notice sexual characteristics of other people (I'm assuming girls, but you never know). Sexy feelings and attraction to others are hard enough for regular kids to understand, and it can be very hard for ASD kids. It's harder for us to know where the boundaries are, what's appropriate and what's not. There are a lot of social pitfalls around sex and dating. It's difficult, and a misstep can be catastrophic. I mention this because he could be spending a lot of time trying to figure things out. All this may be contributing to his non-desire to hug his mother because, well, she's a woman. Speaking from personal experience, he may be starting to notice that people around him have sexual characteristics, although that doesn't mean that he's sexually attracted to you or any other family member. Just knowing that you are sexual (you have to have had sex at least once; you gave birth to him) means he has to change the way he thinks about you and re-figure it out. Does that make sense?
One other thought: getting hugs from Mommy is a little kid thing at a time in his life when he's trying especially hard to be a man. Could your desire to hug him be an attempt to keep him a little boy? He may feel something similar, the whole 'hugs are for babies' thing.

Well, my 13 yr. old NT daughter is very physically affectionate. but i know, she's a girl.

He started this when he was way too young to have sexual knowledge. and too old to have me think it's AS.

I have M.S. so i understand the strageness of the neurological system and the weird feelings on parts of the body. it's like living in an alian body. for years my husband couldnt scratch my back because it felt like i had sunburn. etc. tons of stuff like that. my hands feel as if im wearing gloves all the time time, depending on the moment (and when i took my gabapentine and how much i've slept) it can feel like light surgical gloves or all the way to thick gardening gloves.

OK. this question is probably better in the parents forum, but since i'm here.... I asusme the kid's got to be feeling sexual arousal while he sleeps etc. just turned 15. i dont know what age that starts, and he's already got all the hair and "size" and getting pimples, and his entire life hes kept a box of kleexnex next to his bed because of allergies (so that's no clue) so shouldnt i be somewhat aware of when this phase starts for him? I told him "if it itches it's okay to scratch" as long as it doesnt turn into a second hobby, but no response. hahah. ok just say it i'm am a helicopter mother. but look , the kid's aspie and he may not know. so i told him several years ago that when the time comes it's okay. no problem. all cool. Also i want him to know that its normal. not to be scared or weirded out. but i dont turn it into long inappropriate conversations, i sum it up in 5 words and move on. (cant count on dad to do these things).

Oh Geeeezzzzzz. You're right. Well, now i have no idea how to explain it. I'll have to look it up some advice or ask his psychologist -- who is a young 28ish woman. I'm not sure what wording to use. Or I'll just go and dive in the pool and explain it exactly as it is.
good lord.

but i know he'll just squirm out of the situation ASAP as any teen would do and not let me finish my explanation (I dont blame him but somebody's got to explain these things and I know that he'd be more comfortable with me than with his father).

It's not likely awful, but might feel awkward and uncomfortable.

Myself, I'm totally OK with hugs etc. I don't hug family members very often at all (since we're not a very huggy bunch) but I do hug the kids in my life as well as close friends. In fact, the huggiest friend I have has told me that I give the best hugs. One of my aunt's complimented me a couple years ago on how nice my hug felt. etc. I'm completely comfortable with hugging people, and ever more so since hanging out with extremely huggy friends who greet their friends & even regular customers at work with a hug vs. a handshake or high five or whatever.

My twin brother, on the other hand, doesn't hug people. Almost ever. And when he does it looks as forced and awkward as he must feel about it. He's always been that way.

Some of us are the hugging time, others aren't. It isn't intended as any sort of offence to anyone. For some it's a sensory thing, for others it's a personal space thing, and others yet just feel very awkward and uncomfortable so choose not to do it. Maybe there's an alternative physical display of affection you could share with your son? Heck, maybe a high five even. Or a "secret handshake" kind of thing. Ask him about it as only he can tell you what his thoughts & feelings are about it.

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No for supporting trump. Because doing so is deplorable.

It's simple: He's a boy, and he's 15.

No 15-year-old boy like physical affection from his mother--or from anybody except the person he is dating.

This is quite, quite normal (unfortunately).