natesdad speaks

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First, I have to say thanks to my wife (natesmom) for encouraging me to join this site and start posting. I really resisted the idea for a long time, but I finally figured I'd give it a shot and see how it goes.

My wife originally joined because our older son has some AS and HFA traits and may get a Dx soon. Lately she's been talking about me too. We're not convinced that I have AS, though I do have some of the traits. Most notably I have always felt awkward in social situations. I rehearse what I'm going to say, remind myself to make mindless small talk, try to remember to make eye contact and smile, and I sometimes bungle everything anyway and then replay it over and over in my mind at which point I suddenly know exactly what I should have said and done. Rinse and repeat for 33 years. Does this sound familiar to anyone?

(WARNING: If you don't like painfully complex and long-winded analogies, you should probably just stop reading here... Still reading? Don't say I didn't warn you.)

Over the years I've built something on par with a really old computer in my mind to help me with social situations. It's rather elaborate and convoluted, consisting largely of a library of past conversations on punch cards along with complex rules for interaction encoded in mechanical gears. I imagine that NT's have something along the lines of a modern supercomputer to handle this same function effortlessly. Meanwhile my system is held together by duct tape, bailing wire, chewing gum, and of course tube socks. MacGyver would be proud.

Anyway my jury-rigged social framework actually sort of works halfway reliably at least part of the time. Sometimes I even find myself believing that I'm really close to being NT. I played sports in high school and college, taught high school for five years, joined and did well in Toastmasters, and I've done all sorts of other things not typical of someone with AS symptoms. Much of the time I manage to be surprisingly social and I have dozens of friends and hundreds of acquaintances all over the world. It's far from effortless, but I manage somehow and life is pretty good. I tell myself that all that awkwardness crap is finally behind me.

However, the unstable framework periodically and inevitably starts to fall apart as I struggle against another bout with depression. Doubts enter in, thoughts begin to race, the duct tape stops sticking, and pretty soon I'm a mess. Social interaction becomes nearly impossible when my elaborate framework has been reduced to a pile of gears, broken bailing wire, stale chewing gum, and thousands of punch cards blowing in the wind. It's at these times that I'm forced to face the notion that I'm not an NT at all... not even close and never have been. Then I'll torture myself even further by imagining how I should be. I picture a happy and perfect NT version of myself (with a shiny new supercomputer in his head of course) who always knows the right thing to say, excels in social situations, finds unbelievable success in everything he tries, and yeah... lives happily ever after. Meanwhile, the real me just feels more and more inadequate and isolated. I quickly lose interest in any sort of social activity -- even online. I basically go "off the grid" as much as I can and interact with people as little as possible (at work, for example). The racing thoughts make everything difficult and my mental punch cards are scattered for miles and miles. Recovery seems all but impossible.

Yet somehow I manage to slowly and methodically gather most of my punch cards, dust them off, and painstakingly put them back in order. I rebuild the ancient computer with even more duct tape and bailing wire and life goes on, but the prospect of another collapse hangs over my head like the sword of Damocles. After a while I stop looking up all the time, the threat slowly fades, and I start to feel more NT again... until the cycle inevitably repeats.

If you made it this far, thanks for reading. You have amazing patience to put up with my long winded ramblings. I'm not even sure if this will make any sense to anyone else or if anybody will be able to relate, but I suppose I'll find out soon.

yeah, like anyone, you gotta be unsinkable to get thru life. I remember your wife mentioning you. It's quite traumatic, that initial period, took me three years to actually accept I had the condition. I think people underestimate how difficult that period is for the person with the condition because it comes down to accepting yourself as 'defective' in some way, which is like a social 'caste' thing. But it's also a relief too, lots of mixed feelings, lots of remembering and if only stuff. I had thought I was just unusual, like a creative type.

I couldn't say whether you do or don't but you can find that out for yourself in time. Some people come here and decide they don't have it, so that's fine too.

Welcome to Planet Wrong.

I wouldnt call that a long winded speech, you should see the length of some of my posts. If you think you talk too much, you should read something from Anbuend

Anyways, Welcome to Wrong Planet. We might not be able to help you with effective punch cards, but we should be able to help you replace the duct tape with something a bit more resilient.

Hi Natesdad & welcome! I have not been diagnosed either, but my daughter has, & for the first time in my life, everything makes sense. Well, to me anyhow! I have gone on for years knowing there was something different (since I can remember), but never having a name for what "it" was. It's a huge relief knowing that there are so many others who have been on a similar strange trip too! LOL

I also have to rehearse social interactions, even ones that occur over the phone. Just know that this is a great place to learn about Autism & Aspergers. I am truly addicted!

Hi Natesdad, I remember posting on your wife’s thread it's nice to see you here, I was diagnosed just this year and if like me you feel you want to know for sure I would say why not go for your diagnosis, at the very least it stops you wondering "am I or aren't I" then you can decide if you want to tell anyone outside of your family or not.

I chose not to tell except for one close friend and of course everyone here

Welcome

Natesdad, welcome to Wrong Planet.

It seems like many parents first realize they may be AS when their child is diagnosed. My husband and I both went through the self-analysis process while answering questions on forms and researching the conditions for our son (we also have an NT daughter). My husband concluded straight out he was AS, but hasn't given much other thought to it, and I feel I have certain AS characteristics but am mostly NT (basically, not enough AS to get a diagnosis). To us, the genetic theory, involving a large combination of genes, makes inherent sense. We can see the pattern from my father (most likely AS), my mother (very NT), to me (a bit of each), combining with my husband (AS but very high functioning) to create our son (more noticeably AS than anyone prior).

The thing to remember is that no one, NT or AS, "gets it all." Teetering between two worlds, I see and relate to both, and I know this to be true. AS comes with very real gifts that most NTs have no sense of. They aren't really happier, just different. Hopefully remembering that will help you have more comfort embracing whatever identity you decide applies.

PS - I really enjoyed your descriptive writing style. You have a flair for using words to create interesting visuals. With a good measure of humor. Fun to read. I know this was a serious post and you are dealing with some tough things in your life, but your style invites being read. That is a good thing.

Thanks for joining natesdad! You'll feel better for it in the long run one way or another. I came upon my journey in a similar way since my nephew was diagnosed about 5 years ago. Many of the things he's gone through reminded me and my family waaay too much of me as a child.

I was diagnosed as a child with hyperactivity and eventually put in the "gifted" class to help with my insatiable need for knowledge. I couldn't have received a diagnosis of AS when I was a kid (in the 70's) so I struggled through my problems for years without any answers.

Even if you find out that you don't have AS, you'll be better for it in the long run because you'll have gained knowledge along the way to help you and your family.

what ive told some older people who are recently either being diagnosed with AS or thinking they may have AS, is that if it wasnt making things bad before you found out, it shouldnt make anything much worse afterwards. you're the same as you were, just with a knewfound knowledge of what may have caused some things that went wrong.

i was diagnosed with AS at the age of 3, but wasnt explained any of it till 8, and i didnt feel any different then, and dont feel any different now. yeah, i was an outcast in school, but thats how it always was and i never bothered to change it. i embraced it, more like. anything that could make me more different, the better. the weirder your appearance, the more normal your weird behavior seems. how else would you expect a girl with blue and pink hair to act? makes strange behavior seem normal, so i dont have to try to act normal. though i do need to work on not speaking with an angry tone of voice, as it makes my boyfriend think im pissed at him when im just pointing out something hes doing wrong...

indeed his writing is very good i read the whole thing