My husband

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I really thought that I put this thread in this section not parenting.

Am I losing my mind?

My husband is depressed and says he is sick of feeling unconnected to people. We pretty much know he is somewhere on the spectrum. IT doesn't help that he is of high intelligence.

He refuses to get on here because he said he doesn't know where to start and doesn't think it will help him,

I think it will help him to know he is not alone. Is that just me (semi-NT) talking, though. Is he right?

If not, how can I get him to write on here without forcing him? Any way??

By becoming a member yourself and sharing with him / quoting to him from the boards. If/when he sees you have a community of friends that you enjoy, he'll become curious and give it a try.

Conversely, give up trying to get your husband to do something he doesn't want to. He may still be having trouble accepting that he belongs with the Aspies.

you are right. He says that he probably won't fit in here. I think he is going back and forth from denial, to sadness to almost acceptance stage. It is the stages of grief all wrapped up in him right now.

It is just so upsetting he won't come on here yet. Just looking at some of your threads - it is just like him. Sure not everything as we are all individuals. The one thread about favorite movie quotes...he loved it!!

I often share with him what you guys write, especially topics that are of interest to him. I will keep doing that.

[i]

Change is terrifying at times; acknowledging limitations or conditions is a form of change. I didn't know if it would help me... some ways, yes; some ways, no. Understand much more, but find some traits becoming more pronounced - should make clear that this was happening for over a year prior to even finding out about the possibility. Being alone is in some ways its own comfort... don't know how much sense that will make, but it is something I thoughtfelt.


M.

He just told me again that he is so tired of constantly trying to figure out what to say in ALL social situations even at work. He is constantly analyzing what to say, if he is saying it right, etc... He sees NT's and see how we just are ourselves. I do know some NT's with social anxiety but it isn't at the point of trying to figure out each social situation.


Can you relate??? Please tell me something that he would understand related to how you feel in social sitautions and if you have to constantly try to figure it out and replay in your head every social situation. We are so opposite in this area.

I am trying to understand. I am so glad that he has a good memory LOL Mine sucks. Thank goodness my son has a great memory, too. He didn't take after me.

That process is ingrained in my head, albeit with some short-cuts and re-routes along the way. I can admit being quite envious of those who are facile in their social interactions, completely. There are defaults I use when needed, ask a lot of questions, and usually have to decipher a conversation instead of being involved in it. His memory can be a great asset; just needs the right data-set for it to take advantage of.


M.

I have known about AS for about two years. I immediately identified. I was so glad and amazed that there was a name for what was my problem, and I was delighted there were actually OTHERS like me.

two years passed of me on WP, going through the therapy of writing down every thing I can remember of all my life, reading other peoples stories and learning to communicate back and forth with them. I got my diagnosis a week ago Thursday. I can NOT imagine not having two years of WP behind me before I learned I am this way and will always be.

I wish the best for your husband. I wish him courage.

Merle

I cant guarantee anything, but try reading this to him, it might help:

Hello Nate's Dad

I dont know much about you. I dont know where you live, what you do, or even what your name is. But I do know what its like to feel separated from the rest of the world. All my life I have felt a bit off. Like there was something wrong with me that went beyond just being weird. I didnt know what Asperger Syndrome was, or how it affected me. All I knew is that I spent hours every night pacing back and forth trying to figure out what to say. Yet despite my high IQ, and hours of practice, I was never successful at integrating properly into groups. I could never understand other people, nor figure why they thought and acted the way they did. I had difficulty making friends, and was often left out of group activities. Even when I was invited to group activities, I never could figure out the 'correct' or 'popular' way to act. The rest of the world seems to speak so effortlessly, and say what they meant without any troubles. I had problems even getting the right words out of my head, let alone trying to appear casual while speaking.

And if I somehow managed to appear normal at parties, I never had any fun at them. All the topics of conversation were boring small talk about the weather, or other equally pointless topics. It seemed that the entire event was nothing more then an excuse to drink liquor and spew pointless babble at the other people. If I tried changing the topic to something deeper then idle chatter such as political views, tax policy, etc. I would immediately kill the conversation.

I also had other problems such as dealing with loud noises, not recognizing faces, having trouble with short term memory, and so on. I grew up knowing my faults and problems, but I was never able to understand why I had these issues. The only thing that I was ever told was that I was weird, and that my problems came from not trying hard enough. Because of my lack of social skills, and poor support, I became depressed. Eventually, I managed to pull myself out of this depression by isolating myself from the world. Rather then spend time failing at social interaction, I found it easier to just avoid them all together and spend my time alone.

This worked to reduce my anxiety, but It also left me feeling alone and disconnected from the world. Until one day, I was reading an article about Isaac Newton, and stumbled upon AS. Needless to say, as I read the description, it felt like I was reading my life story. The more I researched the topic, the more I felt as though I finally found out why I am the way I am. Shortly after I began reading the forums on Wrong Planet. For the first time in my life, I found a group of people who not only thought the way I did, but were open and supportive. I was able to communicate openly with them. I could ask questions and learn without the fear of being socially unacceptable.

I am not saying that reading Wrong Planet forums will cure you of your eccentricity. Nor will it make your life automatically better. But it will help you to understand yourself better, and allow you to share with others what your struggles are. People on this forum are generally kind and helpful, willing to share their experience, and advice. Posting on WP will not change who you are. But it may help you feel more comfortable with who you are now. By learning who you are, you will be better able to face the world; not pretending to be something you arent, but boldly accepting who you are, and making the most of it. As my father told me. 'You must learn what your limits are today, so that you can overcome them tomorrow.' If you simply pout and become depressed with your current situation, then it will never change. You must make the effort to accept who you are, and do the best you can with it. Determination and knowledge are far more potent then anything your doctor or society can give you.

The decision of what to do with your life is up to you. If you wish to remain depressed and isolated, thats your choice. But if you are willing to put forth the effort, and learn more about yourself, and work with other people such as your wife; then you may come to accept who you are. And from there you can find friends and people who also accept you as you are. Change isnt easy, but it is often times better then the alternative.

Tracker, that was pure poetry!

thank you.

Merle

This is , in my opinion, the biggest hurdle of all AS people.
they look at other people (non-AS) and get a view of what is normal (for non-AS) and try to repeat and copy this ( rote learn)
to fit it.
It doesnt work.
Normal for AS is AS behaviour. once this is established and accepted with your husband he can then learn to act NT...rather than try to be normal. Once he accepts he is AS he can be AS at home and learn how to ne NT at work he will adapt a lot better....if he thinks to act this way is to be seen as normal...it is such an exhausting constant effort, no wonder he is tired.

Thanks for all your replies. My husband just read everything and said he can definitely relate to what you say, especially concerning the social connections aspect and trying to figure out the appropriate way to act.

He has decided to introduce himself sometime this evening, when the kids are in bed.

Tracker, thanks for taking time to write such a thoughtful posting!

Natesmom, I'm another person who grew up in a world in which I didn't fit in, & though some people obsessed about changing my very nature & even sought to suppress who I was, I still managed to survive. My life has been filled with depression because I knew there was something different about me, & that no matter how hard I tried to fit in with others, I failed...often mierably. I wish that there had been a name & this forum for expressing thoughts, my life would have made a lot of sense earlier in this journey. As it is I have had to wait 46 years to discover Aspergers, & what it means to have it. I wish you & your husband lots of luck!


Tomboy

Tracker - bravo. Two great posts last night.


M.