what did you need from your parents when you were younger?

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I have been a member for a few days, I have not written but I have read alot of posts. I hop you can help me. Could you please cast your minds back to when you were at school and advise me on the best thing that I can do for my son.

What is the best thing to do. My son is 10 years old and having read the thread on bullying I am really scared of failing my son whilst he is at school. I am willing to do anything,even relocate if it will help but I don't know if it will help. I am NT my son has AS. I have just moved him out of school into a private school. Where the class sizes are smaller and it is much more disciplined. I thought it would be good for his education. Now though having spent 3 months there he has been getting bullied. Well the children ignore him or just call him wierd or ask him if he is wierd or push him as they are walking past. He has no real friends at school, just a few who are about two years younger than him. But he has a couple of friends outside of school. they have sleepovers and go places once or twice a week, he goes to chess once a week. and martial arts twice a week. He has made no friends there. I am thinking of increasing his activities you know taking him to track (athletics). He hasn't made any friends in his hobbies, I am sure they laugh at him. I can't tell him just to try if he is old enough to know they are idiots and are probably mocking him.

Well my son is fantastic, for many reasons which I tell him regularly. However.....he will not greet people if they are making an effort with him, this is because I suspect he is becoming weary and nervous around other children. He stims now and again when he gets excited and sometimes he is just in a world of his own.

He has quite a few "blonde" moments. Eye contact is a bit poor and he finds it difficult to know which words to choose when he speaks so. A short sentence may start with.

"I think....,I was thinking....., I was wondering....., what do you think......, the thing is....," by the time he has actually got to the point people have lost interest and plus he is not making eye contact then it looks even worse to people who don't know him.

I actually really like his AS traits, I am 32 and my life has been the absolute pits, just one social disaster to another. I describe myself as NT, but I am not actually sure I have a nightmare with small talk and was never really in with the cool crowd at school, I was very intelligent, had a couple of friends but I have to say that people more often than not took an instant dislike to me. So for me being NT has been the absolute pits. I now have more friends than I have ever had in my life, I have four, and I know alot of people acquaintances that sort of thing, but they are all depressed. When it is engrained that you have an illness it takes the realness out of being you.

I told my son that he had aspergers he is in the process of being diagnosed but it is a certainty he has according to doc. Since telling him things have changed, it feels as if I no longer have an individual, a child, it feels as if I have an autistic person to look after, we spend our time dealing with the autism. He'll say but Mum I have difficulties I have aspergers, I know he has but he is still a person. the people that I know do not or cannot label what they have but they have the same bull in life to go through. the difference is though, that my screw ups have not been because of aspergers but because of wrong decisions and wrong choices. Life can be hard. People can be dickheads.

What can I do to help my son?

thank you

Eromi

Find the teachers who are willing to step in and keep a heavy eye out for your son.

This was a blessing at my school. Of course, it was private and small. So the teachers did this more easily.

First, I can tell that you are an intelligent and good mom.
Your son is pretty lucky to have a mom who is interested in discovering how best to help herself and her son. I think participating at WP is a really good start.

What I needed most from my parents was love.
What I needed in relation to my Aspergers was a diagnoses.
(I was not diagnosed until age 37.)
Next an understanding of the social dynamics of the greater society.

"When it is engrained that you have an illness it takes the realness out of being you."
I have to disagree. Being real is knowing who you are, understanding how you percieve the world, and owning how you treat yourself and others. I think that knowing I have Aspergers makes me more real rather then less. I am better able to understand why I have some rather unique personality quirks, why I am socially blind a lot of the time, and why I percieve the world the way that I do. It is important to recognize that Asperger's is not an illness. It is a unique set of neurological variables that put me with a very select group of people whom I think are pretty neat. It also makes me an outsider to much of the NT world which can be tough sometimes, and at other times rather fascinating.

I think adding more forced activities to your son's schedule in hopes of helping him feel more socially connected can, if done in the wrong way, make him feel more uncomfortable about his need to spend time alone going inward. Your son will find people who are fascinated by the same things he is, and who are psycologically healthy. You can increase the speed at which this happens by helping him honor his own feelings, and his own felt health inducing needs.

I hope this helps.

When I first went to school, when I was 12, my mum arranged for some kids of parents she knew to show me around and help me out. The other kids at school were really all quite nice. There was a bit of teasing from some students, but compared to my home life, it was a piece of cake.

You said you would do anything, so listen to me.

Homeschool him.

Don't send him to school tomorrow; call the private school and say you're withdrawing; call the school district and tell them you're going to homeschool. Then write your letter of intent and send it in.

I'm not saying homeschool is the best thing for any AS child, but I am saying, with complete confidence, that homeschool is best for a child (AS or NT) who finds himself bullied in whatever school context he is placed.

Here is a book recommendation: Choosing Home: Deciding to Homeschool With Asperger's Syndrome

It doesn't matter how much you talk to the school authorites. My mother was a school authority in the district where I was bullied and it meant nothing. You need to protect your son and sending him to school right now is like feeding him to the wolves.

It's nice to see a parent who cares and wants to help .

Feel free to PM or email me. I homeschool my AS son.

Yeah, I would be careful about trying to control the situation too much. I know parents want to do whatever they can for their children, whether they have AS or not, but sometimes you just have to let things unfold naturally and roll with the difficulties as they come up. I was picked on a lot as a kid, no one was specifically looking out for me, and no one really understood my situation, but I survived. I don't think I would have wanted to be sheltered away from reality. I had to learn to deal with it. Eventually your son will be an adult and he will still be different. The only way he can learn to deal with and take advantage of those differences is to grow up with them and figure out what works and what doesn't.

That's not to say you should ignore the situation, or that you even could ignore it, but there is a fine line between trying to help the situation and trying to control the situation. I wouldn't push him into too many activities. Personally, I liked solitude as a kid. Yes, I was lonely and sad about my lonliness sometimes, but I also was able to develop my interests and personality. I was able to just be myself when I was by myself.

Wow, what a fantstic sight, I was not really expecting many replies as I had almost written a thesis on the matter, and didn't really think anyone would read it, but thanks. I do not think I can home school though, but I think I will try and find out more about what he wants, the thing is you don't really know what is BEST for your when you are ten years old you only really know what you LIKE to do. So i feel that I have to make the decisions. there are a whole range of experiences here.

I have learned that there is not one standard way of treating asperges, like say a broken leg or whatever.

I think I have to be more of a facilitator rather than looking for a way to fix a rectify this, I think.

I have to admit, I don't actually know what I am doing, just doing my best hoping it is right.

thanks again

Eromi

It would be great if your son could have an advocate for him in school. We were fortunate for my son to have 2 such people. His special ed counselors in Jr High and High School were great. He used to get picked on during lunch period (that is worst time of the day for Aspies), and both counselors allowed him to eat his lunch in their office. It avoided a whole bunch of issues. My son always feels like he has a safe haven, if anything goes wrong during the day he just stops by the guidance counselors office and can regain his bearings. We worked very closely with both guidance counselors and any problems in school were/are communicated through them.