What does "lacking empathy' mean?

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I know what empathy means, like you see someone crying and you try to put yourself in their shoes. But I don'tt understand the 'lacking' part. I see someone cry all the time, or I see someone get teased. I want to help them, but I don't know how. I never know what to do. Or I fear that I might make everything worse.

Does that mean I lack empathy?

Yes. Empathy is an intuitive grasp of what the other is feeling and needs, what their interest / motivation is at a specific moment. It's not a conscious mental process, so it has nothing to do with experience or practice and the bearer of the intuition will not know why they acted a certain way. It just felt like the right thing to do.

I'm going to cry now. When I read that, I feel like the symptom of autism is being insensitive and cruel.

Empathy is sometimes more than wanting to help when you see someone crying. It is being able to emotionally relate to another's situation. If you have a friend who lost a family member (they died), and you had lost someone in your family (grandparent, etc) once, empathy is understanding the feelings that friend is experiencing because you went thru it too. Acting upon that empathy is optional. You "relate" to others who may been going thru things you have too.

Does this make sense.?

I break it down into 2 parts.

First being the desire to help/comfort someone when you know they are in distress

The second is having the Theory of mind skills to understand that the person is in distress and if the at the level of distress your help or comfort would be appropriate and of course knowing the “social” rules for engaging in such a social activity.

In the first item if find that Aspies are no different than NTs excerpt that with people who are not part of our “clan” we are more likely be “involved” due to our non discriminatory nature and our heightened sense of social justice.

The second area is where the “trian comes of the tracks” If we have not received the intellectual education in this area and have practiced it then many times we are “lost”.

It is not a mater of not wanting to “help” but understanding that there is a need and having the social skill to effective help.

bookwormde

Yes, Empathy is generally the ability to intuitively understand what someone is going through. Since Aspies don't lack compassion, once we do realize that someone needs help we will help. Fully understanding the situation is not a requirement to be compassionate.

That was one of my best posts on WP, actually. LOL Glad to see it quoted on this thread, because I wouldn't know where to look for it to post it again here. I think I posted it in my "Empathy, not to confuse with compassion" thread a month or two back. I think it turned out a great thread, and if anyone can find it, I recommend it. My goal was to bust the common, wrong myth assumption that since Aspies can't intuitively grasp what you feel, they couldnt'possibly feel compassion and act on compassion for you. So wrong, and so unfair ! !! !! !! !!

There, found it.

http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt57293.html

I'm a little foggy on real-life translations of this concept, so what if...

I'm playing poker with a few friends and someone else walks in and I offer them a place at the table? Common compassion?

A friend is coping with a suicide and I offer advice? Empathy or compassion?

A friend jokes about and eventually threatens suicide, but I fail to find a proper course of action, in a heated moment? Lack of empathy?

These aren't hypotheticals, because I couldn't think of any. Sorry it sounds so dreary, but after the second example, it seemed appropriate to continue on that theme. Not even sure if I'm touching on the right ideas here, someone help me sort out this post I was aiming for. Thanks.

thanks, Nanna!

Brutal, I'll try to give an example from my observation. When my sister (NT par excellence) enters a room where some people are gathered chatting, small talking, grabbing a bite and a drink together and just being happy (or pretending to be), even if she hardly knows those people, she'll turn to the person sitting next to her and show interest asking a couple simple questions like how's your mom doing, and bingo! she knows what that person needs to hear most at that moment. She conquers their hearts in seconds, wins their almost blind following her, without knowing how she did it. She just felt the other would be pleased no end if she offered them her old, barely-functioning stove. This is EMPATHY. Later she uses, abuses, misuses this person at will, ignores them when they need her most, betrays them, etc. As she told me, she's not interested in relationships of genuine caring with humans, only in "having the right contacts". This is [lack of] COMPASSION.

PS: I hope it's clear I'm not saying all NTs are cruel and self-serving, like my sister. I just gave an extreme example of the difference between empathy and compassion, for major clarity.