Why do people want me to die?

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Yet again people are finding ways to upset me and make me feel I'm not wanted on their planet. My mother chastised me yesterday for my messy room and said she blames herself for letting me have a too easy childhood. What, honestly, was going through her head when she said that? I'm certain she thinks of me as an idiot and a loser, even more so now that my brother has just got married and my sister has found a long-term boyfriend of whom she finally approves. I get the feeling I'm seen as a filthy, diseased wreck of a person who should not have been allowed to live. Why do people think this way about me?

I think you are taking a message from what your mother said that didn't really exist. Go ask your mother what she meant when she said that.

i know what you mean it's tippical for a mother to think that way she think she failed raising you and you think your useless because your mother think's so
thats why i really hate my mother she doesn't ever took time for always running off while saying im the bad person(to not go into detail) while it's opposite

Ditto that. You cannot read her mind.

There was some behavior specialist on PBS who said that everyone has negative thoughts that creep into your head and won't go away until you consciously find a way make them go away. EVERYONE has these.

Is 32 your actual age?

Maybe you really are an overgrown child. If so, this is actually a good thing because now you are able to make some changes in your life. At 29, I often feel as though I am a man-child of sorts.

I can assure you (well, 99% assure you) that your mother does NOT see you in the negative ways you describe. What she is, is frustrated. She doesn't like the messy room, and doesn't know how to get you to change the one simple reality. It doesn't mean she loves you any less, or doesn't respect and enjoy all the positive things about you; it means she can't stand the messy room and wonders if parenting you differently could have changed your habits with respect to it.

My NT daughter is the messy one in the family. I get really frustrated with her about it. But I still adore her, and my AS son. I would die if something ever happened to her, or to my AS son. But I'm human, and I can find myself expressing my frustration in ways that may hurt her self-esteen. I try not to, I work hard on my wording, but it's difficult when you are, well, FRUSTRATED. That I can be that way reflects poorly on ME more than on her. She is a fantastic person with a few bad habits. Big deal.

Getting worked up about a messy room??? It's your pigsty. If that's how you want to live it's your business. My mother always just closed the door. (As long as it's not a fire hazard or health hazard. You know when the dirty dishes and smelly socks start walking out under their own power it's time for a cleanup.)

Sometimes people just say things when they're frustrated that don't have anything to do with anything. If you're 32 and living at home she's probably worried about your future. The messy room is just a symbol. In my opinion.

As far as wanting you to die - you're exaggerating, right? If she wanted you to die she'd either kill you or kick you out and let you live in extreme poverty elsewhere, instead of continuing to provide you with a home. Families can be frustrating, but at least you've got one to drive you crazy. Good luck with this.

Hey there!

Sounds like you're gearing up to build your cognitive skills. If you post a thread asking how people have gone about that, you'll get lots of cool input and useful strategies and techniques.

Then there's the 'chastised for messy room' issue. Are you familiar with the concept of executive functioning? If not, check out Joel's site This Way of Life. I didn't know until last week that there was a name for my inability to "just do" something "simple" like clean up a room. I need a system and supportive structure. If your mom doesn't realise this, she's going to just keep yelling.

Would love to hear your experiences as you experiment with these approaches.

I experience some of that myself, to be honest with you.
Often enough, we do feel like we are compared against
our non-disabled sibs--a comparison where we all too often
come out second-best. As long as what I call "changeling
theory" infests public attitudes about autism spectrum disorders
in general and AS in particular, I don't see how parents will
view those of their children who have an autism spectrum
disorders in any other way.

Yes, I also feel hurt when my Mom says things like that, even if
some of that hurt may be my problem instead of hers.

All you can do is plan a protocol for cleaning up a room (or any
of many other daily tasks), follow it systematically, and be prepared
to defend it when you are asked about what you are doing.

QFT

My mom says things like that to me all the time. Try not to read more into what your mother said than she intended. When unclear, ask for clarification like Mage suggested. Otherwise, you are just borrowing trouble.

Instead of asking yourself, "Why do people think this way about me?" try asking yourself, "Why do I *think* people think this way about me?" Unless they come right out and say it in an unambiguous way (*definitely* not the case in the example you provided), you should consider that your conclusions may be incorrect. If you frequently have trouble with cognitive distortions, you may want to try Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. It's helped me a lot.

Last edited by LostInSpace on 18 Aug 2008, 1:34 pm, edited 2 times in total.

I think Aspies (and many others) have difficulties with emotional subtleties. Here the OP assumes his mother despises him after she shows a little anger and frustration. This is not a rational conclusion to make especially given the circumstances. The mother is probably also worried about her son's welfare and this probably feeds her frustration and anger. Independence of some sort seems the most obvious solution for both parties. If you can't live together, live apart and visit.

I hope this does not offend anyone, even the OP.

Cognitive Therapy is an excellent treatment for these sorts of distortions.

A further element could be that sometimes we imagine others are feeling what =we're= actually feeling. So if I'm feeling self-hatred, it can truly seem like others just hate my guts. I wouldn't say they actually adore me; maybe I annoy them, maybe they don't notice me. But hate just isn't in their picture; it's all about me.

This is called projecting and it's a common neurotic error. I used to hate myself despite a lot of people liking me. I thought they were faking but I couldn't come up with any reason why they would do this.

um, i don't actually have any good advice. i think i am a wreck of a person most of the time. but i guess i wanted you to know i read your post, that i witness your pain/frustration.

here come the lizards here come the lizards here come the lizards...

yeah.

People often say things when upset, angry or irritated that they don't really mean

Sometimes the truth hurts, and requires tough love to communicate it. I'm a product of tough love. I know what I'm talking about.