i guess i'm still really ill...

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even looking at my forum posts, its easy to see i've still not got over this damned depression and post traumatic stress...i'm still alternating wildly between paranoid wreck and narcissistic destructive super human...i still feel like the victim...the ONLY victim...incredibly isolated and at loggerheads with the human race...much of my ego, the only thing stopping me from suicidal thoughts...is based on my musical ability and even that's starting to piss people off.

wondering whether i should just stop trying to talk to other human beings completely at the moment....im sure that would excasserbate things though...

oh well, ive applied for some free councilling, so that should be good at least \m/.

xanny x

Hang on in there Xanderbeanz.

At least you seem to have some sort of handle on it.


Sometimes I'm glad I'm not one of the creative types

Counselling is all well and good, but if your brain chemistry is a mess, the right way to go are meds.

I'm bipolar with an anxiety disorder, and of course AS. I tell you, without my meds I'm a basket case in so many ways. Sure I function, but at what level? With my meds I'm pretty normal. But when I laugh it doesn't get crazy, and when I'm sad, I can snap out of it.

I also suffer from PTSD. I've been able to get through alot of it because with my meds I'm far more stable. I've worked through alot of what I went through and am much happier.

Granted I'm not a psychiatrist, but just my two cents. There are so many people out there who are anti-medication, and I just don't understand why. If it improves your life, and you are happier...why not? It doesn't change who I am, rather it makes me more of who I am without all of the insanity that brings me down.

Just my opinion...

meds made me into a complete as*hole, i lost all my emotions and started treating my girlfriend, friends and family really badly...i went on a complete narcissistic manic whim...im on a low dosage of anti depressants now, they make me a nicer person but all the paranoia and emotional residue has come flooding back...

drugs are clearly, not the answer with me...im just gonna have to have a crap load of councilling, trawl through everything that has ever happened to me and try and get at least part way "over it"...the new councillor specifically works with AS adults, so at least she won't be clueless about stories like mine.

<3 xanny x

It's fantastic you've got a counsellor who works specifically with AS adults! Good luck with it!

DevonB - I'm not dismissing medication - it's always worth trying, but I think it harms more often than it helps. I take herbal sedatives which are very helpful to me, without having the side effects of proper medication.

Don't stop talking to people. I did that, and just made myself permanently miserable instead of having my natural mood swings.

to be honest i'm so high functioning these days that i'd probably be ok with a regular councillor...although there are lots of styles of councilling and some may work better than others.

i won't stop talking to people, and i hope they'll understand my wild mood shifts between paranoid human wreck and egomaniac...

i really hope i can let go of all of this sadness, bitterness, anxiousness, paranoia and hatred for society that's built up in me...i really don't want to become further mentally ill...x

I hope the counseling goes well for you. I was seeing one for awhile, and it helped. I was quite negative regarding how I was able to cope and the therapist helped me to focus on my sucesses instead of failures.

Often times comorbids like to hitch a ride along with the AS. Very worth looking into. Often meds can be directed at the bad sides of those.

Been there so many times with the bad meds I have lost count. However, we stuck at it and life is so much better now. So worth it.
There was a time I said enough with the meds, they were worse then what we were attempting to fix (bad word). I had no idea who the hell I was anymore.
Over medicated. But to have given up totally would have put me back to square one. And square one was self destructive.
Ego is important, please don't ever attempt destroying it. It can't be done anyway, but you sure as hell can warp the s**t out of it.
My comorbids were a son of a gun to get better, but I think much of it was a damn poor DX to begin with, we lucked out on this med.
Even with this one I weigh the pros vs the cons. There is no such thing as perfect and to attempt it or look for it, well I don't.
The road with meds can be a long one or it can be surprisingly short.

Councilors? The best advice I can give here is this.
If you aren't comfortable, feel free and open with them, get another and a good one will understand totally and agree your need to do this.
Sometimes, at least with me, it matters which sex they are.

My current one? Well she's good, damn good and she is still new, as far as seeing her goes.
I have decided to actually call her a therapist instead of a councilor and that name I don't use lightly.

Complex PTSD is very real and hasn't been in the books all that long.

Much of what DevonB said as well.

I still think it's gotta be good to have a specialist one, although it's good for you to be high functioning and okay with normal counsellors because if you don't like the specialist you can see someone else.

I know a little of how you feel. I don't want to become more mentally ill and I want my anxiety and anger to go. And I think it can go away.

Anyway, good luck!

What you've got is "good insight" and it's a good sign. If you know what's happening to you, that means you're more likely to be able to solve the problem. Good luck on finding a comfortable spot somewhere in the middle of all those extremes... it really doesn't sound like fun!

I know how you feel. I've been through that before. *hugs* I know it doesn't feel like it will get better, but trust me, it will.

i'm still not really sure whether i should be talking to other humans....this week i've offended people in both the women's and art's forums...just because no one can every really understand my point of view and see it as either offensive or arrogant.

~wanders off to the Art Forum~

yes you should be talking to other humans. your isolation does not help, will just make the egomaniac inside you even more paranoid and illogical.

a hard concept for me to grasp/disbelieve is this-- "people who disagree with me or yell at me hate me." that just FEELS so true to me. perhaps you have this problem too.

i personally have disagreed with you. i even told you to go away. but i tend to snap at people in the moment i feel angry, and i'm not always so good with patience. i do not actually dislike you. suspicious is perhaps a better word, like, i think we will probably disagree more in the future, so i need to be careful. hope that made sense.

anyway, i am saying i hope you stay. i can see you working things out sometimes, recognizing your problems and such and i think it is cool when people stay around long enough that i get to see them grow and improve, get to a place where they are more happy.

that is indeed true, but the post traumatic stress councelling will help.

i've perhaps realised today that my view on sexes is possibly skewed...although the harsh treatment i received was from both sexes...the constant rejections from females have somewhat completely emasculated me...it formed the view in my mind that women have all the sexual power...and as a teen, sexual power is everything......

so this is probably why i identify more as female in my head, and why i like to have females on my side, to stop my incredibly insecurities...and hate being segregated from them, something that women's forum clearly does in my mind.

therefore, i flew completely off the handle...

s**t, i'm an emotional wreck and clearly all back to front...

and the worst thing about this whole victimisation thing is that you get used to it, and can never imagine anyone having a worse time than you...with my wildly erratic egotism the next would probably be demanding my own "boys who have been bullied all their life and turned into trannies with paranoia issues" forum on here because honestly, because of my experience in life, i can't see why women's issues are any bigger than mine and deserve their own forum.

and then everyone says "oh, its offensive!" and i'm like, "what? i'm just going on experience, a very opposite experience to most of society, i don't know i'm doing it"

i mean, f**k, nobody is ever really going to understand my point of view because i've become such a damned individual x

and that is a much different view than i see.

that way, only the PRETTY girls have power. i say pretty trumps gender, and physically strong trumps weak. so maybe hot female cheerleader does have more power than geeky guy, but that is not so much gender because geeky GIRL has less power than hot male cheerleader too. and strong male football player can rape them all. you could be raped by a stronger male, but it's much more unlikely that a female would ever have the power to force you into a position of such helplessness.

also, when you say the "verbal abuse by women emasculated you"-- well that implies that you lost something. you were brought down to their level. you lost POWER by losing masculinuty. how could that be if "maleness" has no power?