A little help..

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Hi,

I would really like to get some good advice on this situation I'm going through right now. I've recently started dating someone and things have been really wonderful, hes very open to me about having AS and since then i've started reading and wanting to know more about it. I wanted to understand as much as I can about it so I would know how to best be with him. It's just been quite complicated how things are lately..

He was married before we started dating and was going through a divorce when we met.. his x wife is contesting it and has been constantly harassing us both. She usually sends messages and makes phone calls threatening to kill herself and saying things that make my boyfriend feel so guilty. He said left her in the first place because she would throw fits like that and she would end up hurting herself and him in the process and that it had become quite an abusive cycle. She hit him so hard the last time that hes been seeing a doctor constantly ever since and he's been seeing a psychologist too because he's been so depressed and feeling very guilty for what his x wife is doing to herself. That was when he decided to get the divorce. I can see how she does things to herself knowing that my boyfriend will kill himself feeling guilty for it. I'm not one to make judgments but it seems to me like she does these things because she knows that it will hurt my boyfriend and make him feel really bad about himself. I try to be there for him all the time and remind him that he isn't responsible for his x wife acting that way, and that he shouldn't feel guilty because he's the one getting hurt. I feel as if this whole situation is stripping him of his self worth and I cant seem to find the best approach to stop that from happening. He sometimes asks me why I'm with him and he doesn't feel like he deserves it. I want to know how and what i can do to be able to keep him from falling into that kind of mentality as I see how much it eats him up slowly. What can I do?

Thanks a lot!

I wouldn't get in the middle of that one for all the tea in china, you shouldn't either.

Let him work out his current relationship first, it's much healthier and less dreadful for both of you.

let her kill herself...

It sounds like a bad situation, and there is still alot of baggage with your boyfriends wife, not ex wife, best thing is not getting involved in this train wreck until he resolves it, because it not fair to you or his wife.

well.. leaving him isnt really an option right now because since he's asked me not to and I frankly dont want to eventhough I know its kind of a tough situation. All I really want to know is the reasons behind his thoughts and paranoia and low self esteem. Do all people with AS share those traits whether or not faced with a tough situation? If so.. how is it best approached and understood by someone who doesnt have AS?

it wasn't easy growing up knowing there was something wrong with me and being bullied and left out, that's why the low self esteem. it's very common. i wouldn't advice you to leave him, but maybe you could separate yourself from this part of his life? i mean you can support him and everything, but still it's his problem and actually it doesn't concern you directly. and i would advice him the same, not to care so much, he needs to realize that the problems his exwife has are not his problems anymore and leave her alone with them. if she threatens to kill herself i would just tell her go ahead, it's highly unlikely she does so. and even if she does, it's only and only her problem. you cannot blame anyone for your life as anyone cannot blame you for their lives.

Sorry, but are you sure he's not playing you?
I don't doubt the ex is sending threats - nothing unusual there!
But, unless you've seen firsthand the ex directly getting involved in more extreme situations, and the direct effect on your boyfriend, it doesn't hurt to be a little suspicious. Do you live together? Who pays the bills and owns the place? If you, he might want the security - if him, be careful the relationship isn't just a rebound fling. If mutual, it can easily be serious or even the latter still! It probably wouldn't be, if that's the case, intent - but people can easily be confused in what they want after coming out of an unhappy relationship.
I don't mean to doubt, but your story is undeniably familiar to many.
You just always have to be careful.

Ishmael, are you always this suspicious? i mean you have AS, you are supposed to be naive, not her, she is an NT...

Trust me, it's a learned suspicion. If you've ever had someone try to exploit your as naivety, to try and trick you into killing someone and taking the fall.
Don't worry, I figured it out, and the people trying to use me were gang members whilst I was in public high school.

I trust nobody now. My first response when someone offers me something is "Why? What's wrong with it?"

cool, that sounds... i don't know, but good you figured it out. i understand your suspicion. i've also been tricked, but it only cost me 300 euro and i still remained being being naive.

The worst thing you can do is become emotionally dependent on him. Define your boundaries and stick to them. If you can do that, maybe he will learn from you and follow your example. Keep yourself strong. Protect yourself. Remember you first have to take care of yourself and give to yourself, or you won't have anything to give others. Your first responsibility is to be kind to yourself. Does that make any sense?

JOIN THE CLUB! That is what happened with me!

From my own experience and books that say the same, a man who says he doesn't deserve you is saying the truth. Run. He's more concerned with what she thinks of him than with building a future with you. Asperger's is no excuse for being a lousy life partner. Unless you enjoy the RESCUER role in the typical WIFE-VICTIMHUSBAND-RESCUER triangle, tell him to call you when he's emotionally divorced.

Maybe you have a childhood history of your needs coming second to others', that's why your second-importance role in this relationship doesn't strike you as off-putting that you'd lose interest in dating him.

Last edited by Greentea on 28 Aug 2008, 5:28 pm, edited 4 times in total.

He should maybe get a restraining order against her - the kind that doesn't even allow for the offender to contact the victim without legal penalties. Has he already gotten the divorce completely? If so (and if he doesn't have it already and can afford it), he should maybe think about getting Caller ID and deleting any messages she sends without even listening to them - if there's nothing practical she needs to talk to him about anymore, what's the risk (besides her offing herself, which wouldn't actually be a risk so much as it would be doing humanity a favor from the sounds of it)?

Good luck to both of you. It seems like he got a good person to support him and help him through difficult times like this.

She needs to be hospitalized. I am not sure if this is a good suggestion but the next time she phones him and threatens suicide, have him call 911 and the rest will be taken care of

Yes this makes a lot of sense. Thank you! This is exactly what I have been doing for the past few months.. I must admit, it does get tiring sometimes but I'm not about to give up on this. I know that he can rise above this situation and I want to be there to support him as much as I can.