I got used to idea of having Tourettes years ago, but

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...I think getting used to the Aspergers (I've found out in the past few months that I have it) is going to a lot harder.

(For all you who do not know Tourettes Syndrome is a Neurological Disorder which causes involuntary movements or noises and in some rare (& stereotypical) cases causes an individual to swear.)

So, I've ended up putting down a lot of my odd social and basically odd behaviour overall and even my "special abilities" (being able to draw things exactly how they look from a really young age for example) to my Tourettes, which my Mum thinks must have clouded any kind of diagnosis for Aspergers.

I guess I've always been pretty optimistic, that is until the past year or so. I guess my optimism became rather knocked by the death of one of my bestfriends: My dog, Shiloh. I loved him more than I loved myself, considering that at the time I probably would have rather thrown myself off a bridge than lose him.

I turned 20 this August and it's been two years since his death . I think I've kind of detached myself from him, I just don't think about him. That's what I do, I can detach myself from situations (unless they are as painful as said situation two years prior). If something bad happens I can easily distract myself with something else. I don't know if that is a good thing or not and I don't know if it's burying something, but that's what happens. I remember one time, and I'm not calling out for sympathy (I'm genuinely over it and it happens to almost everyone at some point I imagine) I'm just using this as an example - When I was 14 I was beaten up by an older girl, on the street while her gang stood by and watched and to cut a long story short, I ended up in hospital, asking a doctor giving an X-ray to me how many kids he got in there who had been beaten up and how it was the first time I'd been properly beaten up (kicked in the head several times, until almost passing out, etc.) and how I consider myself lucky for that being so. I think I was easily able to detach myself from this, but at the same time for about a year afterwards my heart would start to beat really fast whenever I heard footsteps behind me... Is this a lot to do with Aspergers? That kind of detachment?

So, I've obviously been evaluating myself a lot the past couple months and I've found myself blaming a lot of things on Aspergers; you know - past events, problems, losses and gains, but I have found that many of the things I've been dwelling on are the bad. Have I changed? I don't knows. I always used to take my tourettes and turn it into a good thing but the last couple months I've wondering if I just ignored or wasn't aware of the bad things. I that's right, but at the same time I'm told that I'm over thinking things or I'm just insecure. I'm seeing myself I think, how Neurotypicals see me, but I don't know if my reactions are the same as theirs would be and I don't know what is down to Aspergers and what is just me, and what I can change to be a better communicator and less ignorant/selfish individual. Not to say everyone with Aspergers is selfish, but I feel bad all the time for not being able to fulfil my bestfriends needs in conversation or even the fact that a lot of times in adult situations she has had to very much after me, and it wears her out. My greatest fear in life, at least the past few years as I have become more self concious and grown as an individual, is that I should let someone be my friend long enough to really get to know me.

I guess I came across this board while searching for answers, and people I could turn to for advise on how to handle my Aspergers and social difficulties and speak to people who have I guess been through what I'm going through now.

So, Hi, my name is Francesca and I have Aspergers. I'm a filmmaker and a student and I live in England. Nice to meet you all.

~Francesca

p.s. Sorry if any of what I've said is confusing or babbling.

I also have Tourette's. I don't think about it much though.

I think Asperger's is part of you; it's part of the way you think and act, part of your personality. What's Asperger's and what's "just you" isn't very different. Your diagnosis hasn't changed you; it's just given you a new explanation. You will grow and change, and that means your Aspie traits will change, a little or a lot, as time goes on; but don't worry about separating yourself from your Asperger's, because the association is very close... just like a neurotypical and his mind are very closely associated.

You seem very analytical and introspective. That is my style too. It seems to be more common among Aspies; but it could just be that it's more obvious among Aspies, I don't know. But being analytical like that does make you likely to deal with trauma by withdrawing and thinking about it logically. That is a coping mechanism called 'intellectualizing', considered to be one of the more mature strategies one's mind can use to deal with life. The only drawback is that one may lose touch with emotions in the process. I tend to deal with things the same way. In the back of my mind are always thoughts calmly observing my current circumstances, thoughts, and emotions.

I do not, incidentally, think you are selfish for not being as social as your friends. One can handle only so much social interaction; and while, with practice, your tolerance will likely improve, you can only be asked to do what is within your ability. Push against your limits, but don't use up so much energy that there's nothing left for anything else.

Aspies can learn social skills, just like a dyslexic person can learn to read. Difficult, slow, but possible. It is like learning a foreign language. We may never be quite fluent, or lose our Aspie accents, but we can learn to communicate with the locals.