I wake up with a good feeling. I fall asleep stressed. I stood next to a wall on Thursday and leaned on the top of it. It was made of stone and it was still morning so the temperature was just perfect. I rested my arms on the wall and felt a perfect cold feeling that didn't feel diluted. I left my arms there for longer than I would have otherwise, took off my gloves and rested there. Focused on the sun and the feelings....
But, I seem to be fighting day to day to not forget where I am. To act normal in a world thats abnormal. And I'm unsure if I can cope, because true clarity in my thoughts makes me afraid. I haven't had that for some 10 years. And I don't know the meaning of life. I don't really know what it is I'm supposed to do? I'm unsure if I want love or if I'm just acting as if I want love. Unsure if I want happiness or if thats just what I'm acting like I want. It just seems like, 10 years ago.. when I layed in a bath full of water and thought about life, and how I felt.. and thought to myself "I need help". That when I didn't find help, I hurt myself - and I can't fix that.
I seem to hope for a brighter tomorrow, for less blurred vision - for hope without the side effects. For dietary peace without the the issues from changing your dietary habits. For a world that can get along - for a president that isn't a hothead. For people who don't take pride in poking each other with sticks. For a bit of money so I wouldn't have to worry and could find peace. For help in mending my broken family - for a friend that wouldn't get insulted by my actions. For love that isn't based on how well I can be a guy. For a understanding woman that I won't have to fool into thinking I'm normal. For someone who treats me as well as I'd treat them. For emotional stability - and for a path that doesn't coincide with anyone elses, that in the end... ends only in death.
15 Sep 2008, 10:31 pm
