Am I taking this too fast?

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I’m 27 (I’m not sure why my profile says 26) and have only ever lived with my parents until now. I’m also transgender (male-to-female) and my parents are not very supportive of that, so I thought finding some way to get away from that situation would be good.

So this year I decided to not only start living full time as female, but also live on a college campus, in a dorm, both practically at the same time. I admit I feel weird being 27 around a lot of 18-20 year olds but I guess it’s probably hard to even tell & in terms of independence/living away from parents and all that I’m kind of on even ground with them in that regard!

A lot of things actually are going okay so far like finding/planning meals, showering in the communal bathrooms (although I tend to go when no one else is there), and getting up/finding my classes.

But (as expected) the social aspects are not going well at all. The roommate I was assigned was a very kind person, but being around someone in the same room almost all the time and having to share a space was just an absolute nightmare. I will say, I got lucky and they already moved out for whatever reason, so I’m alone temporarily (yay!) But I just know they’re going to find a replacement soon and I’m a bit worried how I’m going to get through this if (when?) they do.

Last night (this was before I knew my roommate was going to move) I literally had the worst meltdown of my life. I left the dorm room and found a quiet empty place in the hall and started crying a crazy amount, which is something I’ve never done in public before. My roommate came out while he was moving his things and asked if I was okay, I told him, and he gave me his number if I ever wanted to talk. A few other people saw me and asked if I was okay too, and overall it was just an embarrassing experience.

Aside from the roommate part, it’s also the fact that I don’t feel like I fit in with anyone. Not even the other trans people here. I truly feel like an alien, and seeing all these other rooms around me having parties/friends over, etc. just makes me realize how out of place and doomed to be lonely I am.

On top of this, and maybe this is me being paranoid, but I feel like I get a lot of stares as well. I don’t even know if it’s due to people being able to tell I’m trans, or my extremely awkward lack of social skills, but it’s overwhelming, and I don’t know how I’m going to get through 4+ years of this all of this. I miss my comfortable room/home that I’ve become so accustomed to that I could just hide from the world in.

I just don’t know if this was a good decision, or if I took it too fast. I’m here on my phone typing this when I should be sleeping for 8 am classes tomorrow. I’m really sleep deprived just due to extreme anxiety this past week or so.

I'm probably not the best person to answer your call for help right now, being a bit tired myself, and a lot of other people are asleep right now too. Plus I'm just not the best at advice, others here are better, older, wiser than me.

From the sounds of it you also need some sleep.

It will be OK until tomorrow, the world won't end tonight.

With a little sleep and enough time for people here to wake up and come online tomorrow I think there will be some help waiting here.

You've already done the perfect thing tonight by reaching out.

Hi Michelle,

Like the poster above me, I can't speak with authority or even relevant personal experience on what you must be going through and feeling right now. -but reading your post, my first thought was that you are an amazing person. You are dealing with 1000% more hardship and stress than those 18-year-olds you're comparing yourself to. -but unlike them, instead of taking the easy road, instead of just doing what others expect of you, you are taking huge strides towards becoming your best self even when everything else is pushing against you. With or without breakdowns, with or without parties, that alone makes you pretty amazing. If we knew each other in real life, I would for sure want to hang out with you. You sound like a bad-ass. (let's find out if I'm allowed to post the word "ass").

Anyway, I hope you got some sleep before your class. Keep being yourself, and for what it's worth, know you've got a fan. I'm sure I'm not the only one.

Hey, sorry I didn't come back to check earlier today. I'm still not a great orator though (in my own eyes). There are, however, resources in these forums all around. Stuff for school, stress, everything. The specific topic areas are full of people who've gone through exact the same things and want to help others get through them too. Asking in the specific forums will get you a lot more, and more specific advice.

Right now I'm over in games (and other stuff) just going back and forth with people. Feel free to come on over and play with us. I only got here a little while ago and then got down to playing, but they welcomed me in right off the bat and I'm having a lot of fun with them.

As long as you're feeling okay mentally and emotionally. Growth requires some change which can be stessful. Not everything will go perfect the first time you try it. Moving out on your own for the first time and living your own life despite disagreements requires a good dose of courage.