What signifies a lack of empathy for you?

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I'm not sure what everyone else's definition of empathy is, but to me it's simply being able to understand what someone else is going through. From what I've seen, neurotypicals have just as many problems with empathy as those with Asperger's Syndrome. We just appear to have more problems with it, because we have more difficulty expressing the empathy we do feel.

For me, one of the biggest signs someone is incapable of empathy is when they trivialize other people's difficulties. Even more so is when they state that their problems are more significant. For me, that's essentially saying "Hey, me and my problems matter more than you do, so bug off!"

Ahem, anyways, back to the root question of this thread. What signifies a lack of empathy for you? How do you feel we can (as Aspies) better express empathy for other individuals?

I agree with your idea of empathy to an extent, and I think that a lack of ability to express our empathy does add to the idea that Aspies have no empathy. However, another point of empathy is reading social cues and knowing what the person is feeling. A person with AS might miss the cues and then be labelled as uncaring and lacking in empathy. This adds to the idea that a lot of people have that people on the spectrum don't care about anyone. Which, as you and I both know, is totally untrue.

I hate it when people trivialize other's difficulties. Everything is relative, what's a big problem for one person might not seem like one to other people, but it doesn't mean that the person is struggling any less. I hate it especially when someone tries to have a competition with another over who's got the worst problems. I mean, what good will that do?

Well, I can't speak for anyone else, but for me what may be percieved by external observers as a lack of empathy is often just the opposite - too much empathy.

When I see someone else in true pain and suffering, I am easily overwhelmed by sudden emotional oversstimulation in response - so much so that I have no idea how to express my concern in a visible, ie,'social' manner. Words don't seem to cover it, and I am not a hugger by nature, so I usually sit there silently, feeling horrible because I know there's really nothing I can do or say that will change the other person's bad situation, or make them feel any better.

If I can think of anything comforting, by the time it occurs to me, the moment has passed and it would just seem disingenuous and after-the-fact. So I say nothing and it appears that I just didn't care.

It actually makes me very uncomfortable to be around other people when they're upset, because it tends to induce an anxiety attack in me. Like I'm supposed to 'fix' them and I have no idea how to go about it.

If someone else has a practical problem, and they ask for help I can help them and empathise with their plight. There is such a think as providing practical, and or material support to those in need, such as fixing someone's broken toaster for example. You help the person practically because you care in a practical way. You care in the way you know how to care. You help them with logistical issues or being there when they need someone.

I think that there are many different ways to care and help others.
Different styles for different situations.

I think there's also a kind of caring where you step back and observe the social 'ecology' of the situation. You can step in if something goes wrong that way. I think that this would require a different kind of empathy to very close social interactions, a deeper more macro-scale kind of caring.


I think that human beings are very adept at exploiting the resources that their perceptions are keyed into. In mean 'exploit' as in make use of or manipulate. If you see a world full of objects or processes, your mind will try and make you use those things to aid your survival. Someone who sees a world full of people will try and help or use these people to achieve what you want.

Human beings have to engage in a kind of social bartering scheme because not everyone perceives the world in the same way or has access to the same resources or the same perceptual skills.

So empathy, I believe forms a part of this resource or information exchange, whether the support be practical or emotional. Some people are better at offering some type of support than others, which is why a variety different people are required to form a group or collections of groups.

When I think 'empathy' I think 'social bartering'.

People have appreciated my help and said that I'm a caring person when I've helped in a practical or deeply caring way. By offering solutions to others problems when they ask for help is a kind of caring. Just being there for people is also caring deeply.

Last edited by AmberEyes on 02 Nov 2009, 7:31 am, edited 3 times in total.

Willard - sorry I don't know your real name - I feel exactly the same way! I often get so upset by other people being unhappy that I start crying myself or I just have to walk away because I don't know what to do. I have got better with hugging recently, but a lot of the time people don't want a hug and I have made an error, I don't know how to tell whether someone is a hugger or not. But I feel so upset when someone else is suffering, and I also feel useless because I don't know how to help.

I think the empathy about AS is BS because even none aspies lack it and fake it. Even they don't understand what someone is going through because they have never been there. They might say things like "I am so sorry" "Oh his loss" "Oh he is just a jerk" Heck even I have faked it because I learned to pick up phrases from people when someone says bad news about themselves. It's like echolalia for me but I swear that even none aspies have it too since they also copy each other.

With me I just ask questions and try and understand and give out advice if I have any. I can also say "I'm so sorry" "I hope you're doing better" "That sucks"

I have been accused of not having any empathy myself and I realized maybe I just express it different and people assume I don't have it. I have also been accused of not caring. Sometimes I don't even know what to do in a situation but you know what, even none aspies go there too. Even they don't always know what to say to someone who has had a miscarriage or who lost their child or spouse, etc. That's why I feel normal.

My mom has said before everyone has it every now and then but you need to have them often enough to have the condition. I just like saying everyone has AS and all because I feel good. I have no idea how often I have these symptoms. My mom says I have empathy but that is because she is my mother and she knows me so she knows I have it. But other people might think I don't because they don't know me well or understand me enough to know. She says I show it too but that is also because she understands me and knows me well. My husband knows I have it but knows I have difficulty showing it.

So yeah I think we do have it but we have difficulty showing it and it's also based on peoples definitions of it. My mom could have her own definition of it and I meet her definition so therefore I do have it, same as showing it.

My definition of empathy is caring about people, thinking of their needs and feelings, trying to understand them, being open to people and respecting their views and opinions and beliefs. I think everyone lacks it from time to time because I see everyone lacking all this. I have seen empathy on here or else there be no support or advice given. I do admit I lack it sometimes but doesn't everyone?

Lack of empathy in AS is BS. Very catchy .

I think I'm very empathetic, I just don't know what to do with it. Joyous or depressing scenes have a huge effect on me, but it's difficult to express excitement or sympathy. I'm always very neutral. I'm also weird about affection with family members. My mom always wants me to kiss her on the cheek, and that makes me very uncomfortable. Same when my dad wants to hug me. Yet, I love affection when it's with a significant other.

I was once told a story about a dog. The dog was sent to a training facility to be trained to be a hunting dog. Very expensive training, very very epxensive. At any rate, the story ended with "The dog got away from the trainers, the dog ran into the road, the dog died". True story. Now I suppose the average response to that would be "That's awful."

My response was: "Did they get their money back?"

Now my brother and I have a very off the wall sense of humor, so he took it as a joke. My mom said it was awful, but got a grin out of it. But... I didn't say it as a joke. There was no visual target to empathize with. I would've had to empathize with a concept. But I think it applies as an example.

The other big one for me is Religion. It boggles me. I cannot even fathom what anyone is thinking of when it comes to things related to religion. I try and imagine what sort of emotions or feelings that people get when they pray or sing songs of whatever they sing. Happiness? I'm not ranting about religion here, I'm just noting a lack of empathy towards their feelings towards it.

I used to think I was very empathetic but have now realized that I am not.

My wife has a migraine and while I superficially express concern and tell her to take it easy I'm inwardly annoyed that I've now got extra things to do. The more I delve into any feelings of empathy the less empathy I find.

That's not to say I don't intellectually synthesize 'empathy' - I'm definitely socially conscious and care about issues etc. But that's not empathy.

Back to my wife's migraine - if I had ever experienced a migraine them I am sure that I would feel greater sympathy for her as I could imagine myself in her position. But I simply can't put myself in her shoes and feel empathy with her pain - as far as I'm concerned her pain doesn't exist on anything other than an intellectual level for me.

Being told that my problems are all in my head, after pouring my guts out to someone who's not on the spectrum. Being told to act like a Canadian by my mother.

I was raised Christian and really believed in it hardcore when I was a kid. I had two study bibles. It wasn't about feeling for me, it was about the knowledge. Of course, that can only go so far with a religion that restricts skepticism and questioning, so I eventually broke free from Christianity and adopted Wicca. It was something new and refreshing to explore. Then I moved on from that to various new things.

Being attached to one specific belief system when there's so much more to explore and understand just seems to me as a comfort mechanism. I think all the joys and happiness that may come from it are all in the mind considering that most characters in religion are personifications of constellations, the sun, and other cosmic activity.

If the social cues are coming too fast or the situation is crowded, pressurised and stressful, it can be harder for an AS person to read others.

I think that people empathise with others who's non-verbal dialect is similar to their own.

If you are surrounded by people with non-verbal dialects that are different, and/or faster than your own it's harder to keep up. It's like being surrounded by different customs or a different culture.

If someone has a fundamentally different world-view to your own, it can be harder to empathise, but not impossible. It requires more hard work.

I think that other people project their world views and expectations onto others to a certain extent because their perception is all they know. It's physically difficult to get completely inside someone else's head.

Someone who views the world as being populated by people and social interactions might find it hard to understand why someone else is interested in the physical details of the scenery. A very social person who keys into other people eyes first automatically may find it hard to understand why someone else is hanging back. The social person may incorrectly assume that the person hanging back is being deliberately awkward or aloof, when in reality, the other person may be desperately struggling to join in. The social person may assume this because s/he finds social interactions and reading others easier and therefore might not appreciate that others find this challenging and difficult.

Someone who sees the world as physical details may find it hard to interact socially, even if they wanted to because they see the details first and the social interaction second. This person's perception would key into the physical environment first. This person would have to effectively key out of focussing on the physical environment in order to key into focussing on the social environment. This is hard work even if the person really wants to show s/he cares. Being overwhelmed by strong emotions and intense experiences could also slow this empathetic process down.

I think that people could potentially empathise with each other better if they were shown simulations of how others view the world.

My therapist told me similar things here. I learned that even NTs have trouble with empathy. I guess with me a classic example would be this:

I once thought that everyone should be fascinated by amusement parks/roller coasters because I was fascinated by them. Now, I realize that not everyone is fascinated by what I am fascinated with. But...to show my lack of empathy...I don't understand how people cannot be fascinated by amusement parks and roller coasters.

Yeah I think I'm with glider. I don't think empathy is the problem, it's realising that what is in our heads is not what is in everyone elses heads, maybe the inability to do this makes us seem unempathetic or something. I dunno.

Yes---well put Hush6. That is exactly how I see it too.

This is an interesting topic because I don't quite understand emapathy in the way the "norm" supposedly does. But---they don't really seem to understand it either. As Hush6 stated earlier---NTs have trouble with empathy too.