former bully

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A friend of mine from the last high school I attended happens coincidentlly to know a former bully of mine from early high school at a different school I and the former bully attended year 7-8 (ages 13-14). Anyway my friend L. told me that she sees R. the former bully at family functions every now and again and recently R. said that "you got picked on a lot at Mount Waverley Secondary College but it was the boys who did it". I told L. that It was interesting about R. and her admitting I was bullied constantly (daily) at MWSC but yeah interesting about her leaving out her own part. It wasnt just the boys it was pretty much the whole form group boys and girls. But the boys were more overt thats true the girls it was exclusion, name calling etc although I do remember once R. shoved me against the lockers. I hope that one day R. may admit her part. If she does that would be nice and I am not going to hold it against her now as she has obviously changed people make mistakes and are different as teens in a group. If she knew that she may admit it and that is all I would want.

But to fellow WPers it is interesting how bullies often blame others isn't it? I found that a bit hurtful nice R. admitted it happened but hurtful she excluded herself.

How do you know she has changed? Female bullies are good at covert bullying strategies, and as they get older they can refine their technique and expand their repertoire. She is obviously still dishonest.

Well true but my friend tells me she is now a successful nurse and mother and it is possible I am NOT defending her that is she embarrassed and doesnt want to admit her part.

Well, she may be successful but she doesn't seem to have any integrity or courage if she can't even acknowledge what she did and appologize to you .

Yeah and it is that, that hurts now more so than the actual bullying that took place a long time ago.

I had similar problems. Happens when you stay in the place you grew up in and have to deal with the same people. I mostly just avoid the people I grew up with. We cannot see eye to eye on most things, I have little in common with them. To me, they are neanderthal like, which is an insult to those poor neanderthals, but oh well.

Okay, so, maybe they aren't neanderthals. They were just really backwarded and some came from very dysfunctional homes. My home was dysfunctional too but not in the same way as theirs.

A few years back I confronted one about our school experience. She said:

"Big deal, we were kids and I threatened to kick _______ ass all the time and _________ threatened to kick my ass. So what."

(sorry, don't want to name names). This is the kind of rowdy pro wrestler mentality that exists in these here backwarded parts. I always thought I was better than that and they held that against me too.

Anyway, I just didn't fit in, still don't and have given up on any resolution. Screw them!

From my experience, for the most part bullies just don't change who they are (unless something significant moves them). They may no longer "bully" but they cause other problems. They are often pretty sly, dishonest and many of them probably are scam artists.

My advice to you, be very very clear with this person that you are not her prey. I honestly wouldn't even talk to that person if I felt any sense of distrust, other than a casual quick hello in the hallway to keep her from seeing that she bothers you. If she starts to show interest in being an actual friend, look for the clues. Is this person inviting you to parties? Is this person trying to hang out with you. If not, I wouldn't assume anything about her changing. I would just stay friends with your friend and distance yourself from a former predator.

Some guy has been asking why I won't see him anymore.
I pretend to acknowledge him by saying it's because we have nothing in common.
Of course, that's not informative, so he'll just have to guess.
Is he the bully or am I?

I find that whilst Facebook is good in some ways it is also been quite nerve wracking in others. Looking people up and finding former bullies on their list or seeing them on Facebook getting to know you etc. That is why i think from now on I will avoid looking people up and if they want to add me they can.

This is a common trait among abusers (because they are also cowardly). It's always someone ELSE's fault, and they never voluntarily remember their part of it. When faced with cold hard evidence of their misdeeds, they rationalize their own behavior. Usually they blame their victims - "Look what YOU made me do to you!"

Nobody changes. They just learn to hide things better.

You know i've got an amusing bully story that happened to me just a few weeks ago.
I ran into this girl from grade school in a gas station who used to pick on me and a friend back in the day. My buddy and I, whom I lost contact with shortly after grade school but am sure i would find out today was also similarly non-NT, were like our own little click. We did not hang out with anyone else, just the two of us. So this girl always called us gay and would be like "why dont you dance together" etc etc. So anyways, she recognized me as I was walking out and said hello and began some usual small talk-long-lost-friend stuff. She asked if i still talked to my old buddy. told her not since we went to different junior highs.

She then said something to the effect of 'you know, i kinda feel bad cause we used to harras you guys then' And I just replied 'dont worry about it, we probably said worse about you behind your back' and I walked out. I think it was when she said "kinda" that ticked me off. I dont think once did I ever say anything about her, or ever to her other than "hes my best friend, shut up" It just never fazed me. But I was just in a bad mood and that was what popped into my head when she told me that so its what I said.

Kinda mean cause I know it probably ate away at her mind for a few nights. But oh well.

Rule #8: People do not change. They only become more of what they already are.

I keep getting messages from former bullies or seeing their profile on Facebook it dredges up a lot of memories does anyone else find this? I got another one today.

I've seen it both ways. At least be open to the idea.

There was this girl in middle school who bullied me named Morgan. She would throw my stuff away, harrass me, and beat me up (she was much bigger than me). Anyway, in eigth grade, we were in a play together and she was the assistant director. The directors did not know this girl and how immature she was. Well, on the set, she was harrassing me again and I told on her. The directors got extremely mad at her about it and she was nice to me ever since. Even throughout high school! We ended up becoming pretty good friends and nothing bad ever happened with her again.

So like I said, despite what some people are saying here, people can change.