The neighbor woman called my daughter names

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I know this probably is in the wrong forum, but I dunno where to write it.
Yesterday my 5 year old Aspie daughter came in crying because she got in a fight with a 7 year old girl in the neighborhood. The two of them are always fighting because the other girl acts very mean spirited which is typical for kids around here, and my daughter gets upset and usually ends up pulling hair, hitting, etc. Or there are misunderstanding with words, or my daughter is left out or made fun of. Yesterday I fixed the issue and sent the girls back out to play nicely.

A few minutes later a skinny girl, younger than me knocks on my door and starts telling me that my daughter spit on the other girl. I doubt this because she was JUST inside the house. And later upon asking many times, my daughter maintains that she did not spit or do anything since I talked to her. But anyway, I asked if she was the girls mother. She got a pissed off look and started saying, "No I'm not. Whats it your business? you have an attitude. you should talk with people without an attitude its not nessasary." I tried to explain that I didn't know who she was, and she starts yelling that we've met before. I say okay, I just wasn't sure. She tells me more about the spitting. (and inside I'm thinking... do you know how many things she's done to my daughter and I haven't gone door knocking to tattle? geesh.) I tell her that I know the girls fight quite a lot and she interrupts me to tell me that she can't beat the kids or lock them up but she damn sure punishes them when she sees them do something! And my daughter has no right to spit blah blah blah She's yelling at me telling me this. Then she says I have an attitude again. Finally I say, "Its MY porch! If I want to have an attitude I will."

I can't understand why she's yelling. I have no clue why SHE has this attitude. Of all the things those kids have done to my daughter... They're the kids that taught my daughter how to spit on people!

My daughter is standing behind me btw, and the kids with her are standing next to this women.. all of them hands on their hips. She says, "You can keep your F*((#&@^ Autistic F*#&@^ Freak away from my kids! F*#&^ Ausistic A$$hole!" and then she called me a bunch of nasty names. I just stood there. I think I was smiling, I don't know. I said she wasn't acting very mature, and that those kids were not perfect either. And would she like the two steak knives I took away from their girl? (Yes, she was running around with steak knives waving them at people. I took them from her over the summer.) The woman screams at me, "No you keep them. And while you're at it why don't you slice your F&#^ing throat with them too."

... she left my porch screaming about autistics and using language that was pretty colorful. She said all my kids were freaks because "Just look at YOU"...

My daughter was crying afterwards saying, "I want to move" over and over again. And asked me, "Why does she hate me when she doesn't know me yet?" And I don't have an answer.

I told my daughter to stay away from those kids and the woman, but I doubt she will. She just doesn't have that long term anger thing. Or remember WHY we're staying away. And I feel badly because as much as those kids are jerks sometimes, they're kids. Its not their fault they act that way.

Later on I figured that maybe the woman thought I was being insulting by asking if she was the mother. Being dismissive or challanging, since she remembered meeting me. But I didn't remember then. It was an honest question. I wanted to know who I was speaking to.

This neighborhood is very close. This is going to cause issues. Those type of drama people call the police and DHS and all other types of things I stay away from. Ugh. It made me feel sick to my stomach. And I feel bad that she said those things with my daughter around. Thats just not right..

First of all, I would say that this woman was very threatening to you. It seems to me that I would just make a policy of calling the police when she comes onto your property. I would even go so far as to file a restraining order if you need to.

Who does this woman think she is and where does she think she gets off telling you to slice your throat. How upsetting and uncalled for is that? She definitely needs a few lessons in maturity. I agree. She definitely doesn't have a lot of room to call anyone a freak. She acted like a freak herself. Do you have a video camera? Maybe if she comes up to your door again, you should stick the camera in her face and tell her that your daughter learns best by example and you want to use her behaviour to teach your daughter how not to behave. That should shut her up.

I had to deal with that kind of tension growing up. People stirring drama, causing fights, etc. If you have the money, your best option might be to move away. Either that or seperate yourself from these people, avoid them, and send your daughter to a different school if she has problems with them there. Of course, you have the option of toughening it out, but this is the most stressful.
You can try negotiating and talking to the neighbors, but my experience has been this seldom works if there is a long history of feuding, rivalry and resentment and if one neighbor is a manipulative alpha type who wants to control everything, keep everyone arguing and fighting so they can be friends with everyone and have everyone else fighting, or if they try to get the others to either fight with you or ostracize you or if they manipulate the others into never trusting you and believing your daughter will grow up to be a sociopathic nobody (which isn't a fair to any child, saying such terrible things about them when there is no way of knowing who they will be when they grow up).
I am not trying to be insulting, these are just general things unsupportive neighbors have said to stir trouble, in my past experience. I don't know if yours are like this but it certainly will not be healthy for your daughter to be around people who have these fixed beliefs about her, want to stir trouble and cause her psychological anguish.
If you can, move away. Before you do move, contemplate for a bit and think about ways you contributed to the situation. Everyone contributes to everything, we do not live in vaccuums and to avoid this situation from recurring over and over, it might be a good idea to reflect on the past and be honest with yourself about how the entire thing became an unmanagable situation, how you can try to build better relationships with people you haven't met yet.
One thing I think works is becoming a little less dependent on others, and building an inner strength that gets you through the tough times. Searching for nuturance and understanding, support from people who are dysfunctional in some way can really drive someone crazy.
Hope this helps.

Woah, I got that right didn't I. She told you to slit your throat?

Sure thing, I would have called the police claiming I was threatened and feeling unsafe by those death threats and then would have filed charges against the woman.

That didnt seem very fair,some adults take only one side and who does she think she is useing that language, in front of her own kids is bad enough but in front of yours is terrible. I wonder if it makes her feel good picking on other people includeing kids on the fact that they are autistic and calling them freaks.

Moving isn't an option. We just moved here. But its a low income neighborhood. I don't have to worry about all the rest of the neighborhood turning on my child because we're on pretty okay terms with everyone else. The parents are never home, its a revolving door of caregivers and people living there. The police are at their house regularly. So I never would have been friends with them. I didn't know them, and I prefer that I don't know them. I did deal with the children though because we live here and my children play outside too. The little girl in question shoved my daughter in a closet in her house and forceably cut her hair off. She came home crying. That was the last time I allowed my daughter to play at their house because obviously they were not being supervised. I went over to speak to the parent when I found out, but no one but the kids were at home. I let it go.

I don't like to judge, but in reality... that family is in trouble. I wouldn't be surprised if they lose their children soon. They also have two infant babies that they have left alone in the house for hours. Other neighbors around here have called the police numerous times, and their time is probably limited in this housing complex because of complaints.

I don't like involving police, but I'm wondering if I should file a complaint with the management company at this housing place we're in. At least let them know that I was verbally assaulted on my own porch with my daughter there.

My part in all of this? I didn't recognize the woman. I asked who she was. I smiled inappropriately to the situation? I didn't let her walk all over me without standing up at least a little bit? Usually that would have been my approach.. lay down and take it. I really have had nothing to do with this woman before in my life so.. the only time I could have messed things all up was this confrontation she did. I think perhaps she just wanted to pick a fight.

The woman does have issues alright. She complains to you about your kid but she turns around and acts innapropriate herself. How ironic is that?

I'm guessing that if they act this way toward you, they probably do it to other people. I know it might be hard, but maybe discuss this with another person or two from the neighborhood?

I remember I had an issue with this sort of thing growing up, a girl I hung out with in our boring, middle-class neighborhood had a FREAK of a mom (I was too young to realize it at the time) and the little girl was probably learning her bad behavior from her mom. Her mom who called MY parents to accuse me of making death threats to her daughter (I was 10!!). Her mom who accused me of keying her car! Her mom that slept until noon on weekends and (I later learned, in junior high) told her daughter that having her period is great because it "gives you an excuse to be a b**tch". I went to a sleepover at their house once, when we first moved into the neighborhood and the little girl locked the doors so I couldn't leave.

Those are the memories that this story recalls. I'm inclined to think that people with Asperger's (especially women) tend to think everything is their fault, and might not realize when people are just being crazy or mean. I'd say there's a good bit of unchecked aggression in that household. If their daughter's running around with steak knives, threatening people....I wonder where she learned that behavior?

I'd be willing to bet that other people in the neighborhood have had problems with them, too.

In my own experience, there are some people that you simply cannot reason with; they either will not reason with you in return or are unable to. I really would not let your daughter play with these kinds of people, it never works, I know, I allowed my children to mix with who they liked when they were younger, I thought it might broaden their horizons and give them experience in dealing with different kinds of people. God, what a fool I was, all it gave us as a family was a ton of trouble and a lot of intimidation etc. If I had my time again, I would have moved and saved myself the suicidal feelings when it all got on top of me. I just hope the people that are good to you stick by you, you are lucky to have that.

There is a saying that someone on another board used to say to us in general "If you lie down with dogs, you get fleas" sounds horrible doesn't it, but seriously, if you let your child mix with that kind of family, there can only be trouble. How you stop her in your kind of area is something I don't know, all I know is that my own children went to a different school at the time and stayed in the rest of the time unless I or another family member was able to escort them to and from school bus stops or to friends who lived in other areas. It got to that because the people that persecuted us used to chase one of my children down the road if they dared even open the front door and venture out, and I don't mean the children, I mean the whole family, adults, no sorry wrong word, I mean the people that bore these children would join in the chase too.

Get a decent security system, maybe even a restraining order.

A very high fence is also and option. Put as many walls between you and them as you possibly can.

...All that because of THAT?!

I'd say the woman has her own problems.

Wait, she said she was NOT their mother at the beginning of this? Then who is she?

I think I would be talking to the father or someone, this woman sounds a few crayons short of a box. I feel bad for those kids.

She steps on your porch again I'd call the cops.

If you go to the police don't tell anyone about it. Do it on your own and don't make a big deal of it. Actually, the police might be able to counsel you on what to do:)