I feel completely broken- recently diagnosed ASD adult

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I'm a university student in a pretty-good university with high expectations placed upon me by everyone because they feel that I've the natural ability to become someone great in my field. I felt that I've to start with that because I'm sickened by that looming perception on me, to achieve something in a world that I feel little attachment or 'sentiment of substantiation' with.

I realise that my attitude isn't helpful at all and I have at least tried with full attempt to follow the advice of therapists, doctors and family to change routine, abandon the pretense of self-consciousness, develop habits, friends, routine exercise, etc. with the involvement of CBT, behavioural theraphy and some SSRIs thrown in.

This is probably more of a rant to let that cacophony of encumbering feelings lessened but it's also an earnest plea for...something, I don't know some sort of direction or anything to provide some sort of pull of reality.

I was undiagnosed for 20 years though my parents, sibling and fellow students always thought me 'strange', 'rude' and to a few as frankly someone who they didn't want to deal with and saw as some sort of 'aberration' in their construct of reality. I never felt understood, found social interaction ridiculously taxing because of the sheer amount of background analysis going on coupled with a ridiculous amount of recollections of daily life as data to that process. That amount of mental taxation resulted in me being continually weary- especially after school- which suffice to say did nothing to improve my scholastic experience or relations with my peers. What followed was a cycle of avoidance, friendlessness and draw into escapism that became the only thing that allowed some measure of hope and contingency to thrive.

It was made worse that my senses too decided to align with the opposite number. Dietary problems having to do with intolerance to various foods (only acknowledged quite recently) and a plethora of sensory difficulties that no one seemed to take quite seriously. "Yes, I can hear that siren from so far away and it's driving me nuts and all this noise and visual stimuli is disorienting and I want it to stop. Can't you see that haze of flickers? It's like my vision is a display monitor and each of its pixels is oscillating between a range of intensities pertaining to the colour data held by that specific pixel- it's noise..." I'm definitely complaining a lot but the need to have the pain acknowledged is stronger than my fundamental goal (which is?).

Well I was diagnosed with an Autism Spectrum Order on the high functioning end about 4 months ago and carried out a motley (not really) of therapy approaches to get me back on my feet for university. I should mention that I did manage to go through 3 semesters- cracking along the way- before I finally broke during the 4th semester. And now, though I do know that carrying my interests- to research and understand fundamental principles, the only thing that somehow nourishes my existence- and though I do know that gaining some stability in my university life so that I can set out the path that I chose for myself... I can't find validation with those goals and I feel apathetic towards any effect that I involve myself with and a general detachment- no more of a lack of belief of solidity- towards the world.

I'm being called whiny and giving-up-before-I-actually-try constantly by people who 'care' for me and those who are predisposed to do so, but that general lack of being understood, to not be qualified as a person and feel generally exhausted with having to deal with irredeemable pain to co-exist (nay exist) in the world... I don't know I feel directionless and spurious.

I guess I'm asking for some commentary- or more generally something to occupy me. The Internet- a place of strangers with no obligation for pleasantries- is a far better realm than my own mental plane right now.

You've come to the right place.

There are many people here going through similar trials as yourself.

What DOES give you pleasure?

I'll first just have to leave an impression (no implication to it) that that response was really fast.

'What DOES give you pleasure?'
I ponder about that far too often a day and came to a realisation that an elevated level of self-consciousness wouldn't help me if I keep expecting the effect before the activity.

But honestly I'm not sure apart from the fact that my brain feels in a sort of euphoric rush whenever I'm carrying out some sort of procedural problem that requires analytic thinking. It could be a math problem, or trying to fix (i.e disassemble) some sort of equipment like a computer- which as a 21-year old gets me into a lot of trouble but I think they all generally have some element where they switch on a light somewhere in my brain (like there was a fog before and it suddenly gets swept away- I don't have anything else to compare it besides the rush at the climax of masturbation.)

It's mostly things that have some sort of trigger fired in my head. With sensory artifacts (particular music passages, textures or scents), some sort of sensation gets fired and that's pretty much the closest thing I approximate to pleasure.

I talked about being detached from reality before and activities which are supposed to release pleasure- or have done so in the past- feel very subdued as there has to be a much higher throughput in that activity (like swimming to the point of physical exhaustion and muscle sprains) to get some relief which piles up the negative effects that render the activities just a chore or something done compulsively just to attain some resemblance to the 'fun' activity that was before.

The activities which I mentioned that were like firing hammers launched in my head were pretty much like something snapped back into place- as if I was some down-scaled textured tree in the distance in a video game. only to come back into detail when the perspective was jumped forward.

Well...at least SOMETHING gives you pleasure.

I guess I responded with speed because I've read similar accounts from other people in your position. Obviously, you are unique because you are your own person. But you will find people who identify with you right here on WrongPlanet.

Why not continue to solve complex math problems? That doesn't harm anybody. And it gives you apparent pleasure.

Perhaps I'm overly into pleasure?

I honestly would be happy just solving problems out of a textbook for the rest of my life. I crave monotony as much as neurotypicals crave variance.

But it's become an ordeal now. Even though I have past experiences where I can get the solution with the usual difficulty and exertion- my brain's sort of become a foreign entity to me now. Couple that with the daily exertion I have to deal with everyday and the activity loses steam fairly quickly.

I mentioned before of the trigger-burst nature of pleasure in my head- well it's all to serve the point that I have no idea how I work anymore. Quite often, I get to the answer of a problem and I've little clue as to how I got there. It's like with the one time when a person in my neighbourhood asked me why she couldn't download an app from her phone's App Store and I glanced at the phone for a second, and kind of withdrew into myself, and told her that she's probably on a store from a different country. And it worked and yes it doesn't seem that out of the ordinary but I've no clue how I got there and that's pretty much how most things turn out for me. I assume it was because of some sort of visual comparison mechanism where I compared the present image with one in my memory because that's the only explanation that sounds credible to me at this point but it's completely unstructured and alien to me.

I'm not sure if I'm putting too much meaning into it but it's terribly frustrating and feels like some sort of vicious delineation of my self until it's gone so far to the point that I've become a third-party, passive observer to my body.

Are you currently seeing a therapist? I have bipolar disorder and some of how your coming across seems a bit manic-y. Twenty years old was close to how old I was when I had my first full blown manic episode.

Even if you are manic, it doesn't invalidate the importance of what you're facing right now. People need for their lives to have meaning, for their work to have, meaning, or existence feels pointless and empty. Do you have a spiritual path?

could you attend school with a lighter course load? it's a shame for talents to go unused.

are you depressed? lack of enjoyment is one of the main symptoms of depression. some types of talk therapy and antidepressants might be helpful.

There also seems to be an element of depersonalization to this as well.

Sorry for your frustration. Think of it this way: you might not know the path, but you do possess the knowledge. Useful knowledge.

How do you feel about romance?

I am going to say: start reading. Tony Attwood's 'Complete Guide to Aspergers' is the starting point I would suggest. From what you write, it sounds as if you have allowed others to define your experience of what it is to be on the ASD spectrum to date, sounds as if you have not yet taken possession of that as your own, not yet exercised your right to be who you are and to define what that is; instead you are reacting to what others think, perhaps measuring yourself negatively against them or some notion of normality that you harbour.

Think of this instead as the breakthrough opportunity to really know the fullness and potential of your self - not as a set of defects, but of new possibilities. I don't know what stereotypes you had absorbed about Aspergers before your were diagnosed, though they probably weren't positive (given the relentless misguided and sensationalist media barrage et al). Don't believe these any more. Aspergers doesn't define you; it is one more thread in the complexity of you.

I understand the shock and grief reaction people can have at diagnosis. Something has been lost - a set of self-conceptions that had seemed to be right but were wrong; something has been gained: reality and opportunity. Don't let others define your diagnosis solely as a disaster, as an illness, as a disease. That is their prejudice speaking, and projected on you. They don't know you as the inner you, and they never will. Your task now is to get to now this "stranger" better, and welcome him into your life, as you integrate this aspect of yourself into your identity. It is quite a transition to make, I agree. You are not broken - it is what you used to falsely believe about yourself which is broken - like a chrysalis that you have broken out of.

You study things, because you are good at studying. Study this too. Find your own truth, not the false ideas that culture currently holds about us and projects onto us. Maybe your distant future in life will be to change this. Take heart. Start learning and reading from reliable and informed writers (like Attwood). It will take time to assimilate and adjust; give yourself time. You are at the beginning of a learning curve which will lead you to all sorts of responses and emotions. Go with it. In a year from now you will feel differently from now. And we will all still be here.. Welcome to Wrong Planet. It's your planet too now.

I definitely relate to some of what you are saying. Do look into depersonalization disorder, I've had it for 17 years now and some of what you describe is spot on.
I too crave monotony.. it's like my brain is constantly working, that doing monotonous tasks is relaxing, it gives my brain a chance to chill out (yes, even if it is a complex math problem). I have experienced taking a math exam, turning it in, and feeling like I have no idea what I just did; but I score 98-100%. It's as if I sit back and let my subconscious do the work, and well, it works in my favor. I do think that is part of the depersonalization.
Socializing is very mentally taxing. I don't know about you, but I also struggle with discussions in class.. I want to participate, because if I don't say what's on my mind, I drive myself crazy; but at the same time, when I do participate in the discussion, I then overanalyze the responses from my Professor and other students that I begin to regret saying anything at all. It's a constant risk, to engage in discussions.
I digress.. look into depersonalization disorder, I think it fits much of what you are experiencing.

Dear AndrewR42 - warm welcomes from a distant stranger