Responsibility and consequences

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My mother is clearly responsible for a few things with raising me that I do not feel she is taking responsibility for. These things were not malicious, but they are a significant reason my life is a disaster today. She was not aware these things would cause me difficulty growing up . However, not being aware of doing something wrong does not remove culpability. When raising a child, it is a parents responsibility to know what would cause emotional harm to a child. She should have been aware of these things.

I compare my life to the crash of a commercial airplane. They say for a commercial airplane to crash, two catastrophic things need to happen. I had two catastrophic things in my life. My biological issues (AS, OCD, learning disability, depression) and environmental issues (very poor upbringing by both parents).

I made efforts in life. I graduated with honors from college when I had a learning disability. I am now 37 years old on federal disability, and living with my mother. I feel strongly that I if had a good upbringing, I could have overcome my biological issues.

I want there to be consequences for her actions. I don't want her in my life.

Am I being too harsh?

Last edited by KevinLA on 12 Dec 2008, 5:30 pm, edited 1 time in total.

It depends.

She could just be in denial. Maybe it's very threatening to her to think that she made mistakes raising you. If being a mother is a big part of her identity, it seems that admitting to any major problems would be really scary to her.

Was she just incompetent, or was she actively abusive?

If she's still being abusive, then you have every right not to contact her anymore.

But you can't control her or force her to admit to anything, or to apologize, or even to realize that she messed up, even if you break contact. The past is the past, and she makes her own choices. She may never see things the way you do.

IMO, the best perspective to take seems to be just looking at your current life--whether you and/or she will benefit from an active relationship. If so, then it doesn't seem very practical to give up the possible benefits.

There's a middle ground between "no contact" and "fully engaged relationship", though. Many family members who don't see eye-to-eye will have polite, rather distant relationships--Christmas cards once a year, a phone call on Thanksgiving; that sort of thing. That seems a lot less painful all around than either forcing contact or breaking off completely; and it allows for a renewal of the relationship if either of your perspectives changes.

KevinLA,
When my son was in his early 20s he tried to move back in with me. I refused to let him because I knew the first thing he'd do was quit his job.

He whined and whined and I eventually broke down and let him move into a tent in the back yard.

He pitched his tent and immediately cut his work hours to part time.

4 months later, as winter approached, we all wondered when he was going to get off his butt and go back to work full time so he could afford his own place again

so,
to help my son decide to help himself out of a situation that wasn't helping him one bit,

every afternoon when I returned home from my full time job but before he returned home from his part time job
I went out in the backyard with the garden hose and hosed down his tent.

He'd come home, find his tent & sleeping bag wet, and ask me if it rained that day.

I'd tell him I hadn't noticed it raining. "Its not as if rain sticks around after falling like snow does around here in winter" I'd tell him.

He eventually got the message and returned to work full time so he could get his own place to live.

Was I too harsh?

I don't believe this is relavant to my situation.

I would be living on the streets if it wasn't for my mother. That is a certainty.




It is threatening to her that made mistakes.

She was an incompetent mother. Besides the things she did wrong, she did not set a good example for me. She is emotionally unstable, with a bad temper, and irrational. I am a firm believer that can rub off on a child. Is it her fault that she is that way. No. But she is still responsible.

I am better off without her in my life. If I can somehow figure out how to earn a living.

KevinLA,
Parents aren't instantly competent or sane when given children.

Its a learning process for them as well as for their children. Sometimes their coping strategies aren't always the best.
Who of us always chooses the best coping strategies?

Right now your coping strategy is living with your mother and its obvious that's not working out for either of you.

If you've managed to get yourself federal supplementation to your income then perhaps you qualify for sheltered care/assisted living as well.

Well, you can't change your mother, nor make her take responsibility. You can only take responsibility for yourself. If your mother's presence in your life is harmful to you, then it may well be a good idea for you to stop seeing her. I have personally done that in my own life. But it was for my own protection, not to make my mother realise there are consequences for her actions. I doubt it's made her realise anything. You can waste a lot of energy in wishing people would take responsibility and trying to get them to do so. I know this from experience. At the end of the day, you need to do what's best for you. And that involves accepting that there are things which you can't change and planning your life in the light of these unchanging facts. You need to be able to move on, and look after yourself.

Hi KevinLA. i am an older aspie who had very ppor parenting and also undx'ed AS issues until later in life. I do not think you are being too harsh at all. I think you are speaking frankly and subjectively about your experiences and that is a good and practical thing to do.

My experience has been that it has been exceedingly helpful for me to acknowledge the poor parenting i experienced. it has been beneficial as it has helped me to clarify some life issues that have been very painful in my development and growth as a human being.

What is not helpful i believe, is when these realisations get thrown at the offending parents in amnner and way that only causes more inflammation for all concerned. What i mean is that i have learned to find a separet context (away from my family and parental context) in which to deal with these issues. Far from the madding family crowd so to speak!

That has given me the opportuntiy to acknowledge what i have needed to acknowledge WITHOUT dumping my stuff all over the place and causing myself first and foremost (and others as well) more pain and heartache.

It means i have been able to acknowledge the realities of my history without an embittered punishment and regaling of others. yes, people are accoutnable for their actions - but it can serve little purpose to go back in with the gloves on and fighting!

i might suggest - if you were thinking about somehow challenign your folks at some stage - some kind of counselling with a mediating third party who could take stops to prevent emotional inflammation and escalation into all out war!! (the latter does happen when aold wounds are opened!)
good luck in your journey.

ps - i do not have my father in my life because of his past parenting. HOwever, i am able to have my mother in ,y life and am glad i do so. THe choice is yours and it is about what helps you in your life best. weigh it up and maybe get some help from professionals, depending on the severity of the issues and how they have impacted you.

the biological components of your life are there, and can't easily be changed. Your mother obviously didn't choose to have these happen to you; it's genetics.

If you're questioning your relationship with her, and considering these things, maybe you'll move towards more independence. As the old saying goes; you choose your friends, your family you're stuck with.

recently i thought about the title to this topic concerning my real father who called my sister last nite, the usual once a year phone call one of use gets (there's three of us) that he fatherd and all of us dont know what to do about it because we are all adults now. do we let him be our dad? after not really having anything to do with us for freaking years or what? im inclined to give the guy another chance but i dont know. obviously he cant buy mine and my sisters love by sending us a card with money in it at christmas time

I found myself on Wrong Planet, I am older, and within a year, I found my parents, family traits going back generations, and realized they too were like me.

New understanding came to relationships with non family, why we were attracted, and why we parted.

I cannot change the past, but my view of it did change.

Understanding ourselves and finding our own lives comes first, but sometimes we get stuck.

Take a walk, a day trip, a weekend, start building on self. Find things you like and do them. It grows.

My family is gone, I am still here, it is all on me.

I don't think he's trying to buy your love. He's observing protocol.

No matter,
what would you do if you suddenly found yourself in his body as him after all these years?

Do you think you might have behaved differently than he did, even as yourself?

How is your parent not you?

Aren't we the lucky ones to see that.

well yes i would treat my three children different. first of all he left me and my sisters when i was 6. this was in 1986 then i didnt see him until i was 18 or so and he was all wacked out on drugs and alcohol. he hasnt seen my sisters since 1986. now however hes getting old, my sisters are married and have familys so he just wants in the game when he doesnt have to do anything. he doesnt have to support us, love us, or teach us anything since our mom did that. and pretty much did a terrible job at it but whatever, so now he wants to mend relationships and i know from my standpoint i dont want anything to do with the guy. it seems like hes taking the easy way out, he doesnt contact us ever during the year but only around christmas time and im shure his sister makes him communicate with atleast one of us and i just dont think its fair

he even told my sister last nite to not judge him over the phone on past mistakes but only when she saw him face to face. ok what is that? yeah right

He sounds like my ex to his now grown children.
The fact of the matter is, my kids grew up in spite of their father/ my ex
and now they're more mature than he ever has been in his whole life.

Do you think you can change anything in the past from punishing your father in the present?

If you don't want or need or trust a closer relationship with your parent, go no farther than observing protocol.
He might not want more than protocol anyway. Anything more might be more than he can emotionally handle.

well no, but i do think something should be done. i mean come on! you make three human beings only to let a jiggalo of another race to do a terrible job at it then years later magically step in and say, "here i am kids!" immeadiatley love me. i dont think it works that way, i hope it doesnt sound like im barking at you because that is not my intention. but the fact of the matter remains, me and one of my other sisters is having a hard time with life, we basically can barely function normally and only one of my sisters is working out like every other american there age. so now we need to know how to handle this situation because hes threatening to visit in april along wiith his sister. if he was such a man and sh!t why doesnt he come out here himself? ahuh. also me and one of my sisters are very reluctant to take any money he gives us because then we will feel obligated to entertain any conversations with him, and i dont care if he cant emotionally handle the situation, none of us were asked to be born and if he didnt want the responsibility he should have pulled out and smeered us on an old t-shirt

For what? To teach him a lesson?
Would that take away any of the pain you experienced in the past?

Lets imagine for a minute that he shows up and announces to your sisters and you that he has an excuse for his lack of affection and support while you were growing up,
that he recently discovered he fits on the autism spectrum,
whatever.

What would your reaction be to something like that?
How would any of us react to that?

not to teach him a lesson, more of a consequences for his actions. and he already has an excuse, he told my sister that my mom wrote him a letter when he was overseas asking for a divorce and he basically fell off the earth after that. i dont know if thats true but it is what it is. and i doubt he has aspergers. he does like collecting comic books though, there just needs to be more responsibility i think. he could have found us when we were kids if he wanted to and be in our lives, he was paying child support after all