How much have your efforts to fit in paid?

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To what extent have you been successful in improving your social life / interactions with people as a result of your efforts to learn, discover the rules, practise, fit in?

(Of course, the question is applicable only to those who have actually made conscious efforts, at least at some point in their lives)

I think negative numbers are only used in algebra classes, thermometers, and government budgets, so I'll just say zero.

Excellent question.

I can see a number of different experiences have had a clear impact on me in these ways. Obviously I went through them for a reason: one being so that I could learn from them.

five years ago, I set myself on the career path towards becoming a teacher. I thought that it was something I really wanted to do... make a difference, etc... blah blah blah.
I had no idea about AS or the symptoms that I was experiencing at the time which made it very difficult to get up every day and do the work of teaching. As a result, I went through a number of large failures, some nearly catastrophic, and generated volumes of anxiety and shortened my life considerably because of it.

Now I can look back on that with some positive light. Being a teacher FORCED me to deal with social situations that had previously seemed too much to handle. I didn't always succeed, but I had no choice but to face these times. Even with all the confusion and struggles, I was left stronger by these failures and successes.

There are many other examples, but I'll stop there for right now.

CW, wouldn't that fit the first option of the poll?

Acacia, thanks! And what about the results of your conscious efforts to improve your social interactions? I mean, other than in the teaching experience, where it wasn't planned?

Yeah, at first it was forced interactions. I had to support myself completely, from the age of 17. I am very happy about that.

It was terribly difficult. Mostly, I benefited by, being able to dress and do my hair, more appropriately to who I feel as inside. I am now capable of being friends with a few individuals who are as absolutely kind and amazing and open to all the brilliant things, I need present in those around me.

I found that fitting in is actually, fitting me. I fit in me. I will always laugh and jump and show all my emotions clearly. I will always tell the truth as best as I can. I will always find only the deeper truths to be of utmost importance.

The question now is, do others fit in themselves enough to be around me.

If they do, then I am thrilled to smile at their sides.

The best, most shining example of this would be the year or so in which I spent one night a week walking from my apartment to the little music venue on the corner, and trying to integrate myself into one particular local subculture. This music spot hosted a "Grateful Dead night" once a week, where one or two bands would play GD and other jam-band psychedelically influenced music. A tight-knit yet informal group of people had developed around this music, and they were there all the time. They all knew each other. I wanted to be a part of that. So I started going all the time. By immersing myself in the music and the spirit of the event, I gradually lost some of my inhibitions and started meeting and knowing some people. I got to know some of the band members. It was happy and trusting and very very good. It was all about the music and sharing the joy of that experience.

Life changed and I don't go over there anymore. It was fun while it lasted, but there were no enduring friendships or contacts that developed as a result. However, I sometimes think about how much those times did help me socially. I found a way to connect with the rest of humanity on a really basic, earthy, instinctual level. That was good.

Last edited by Acacia on 22 Dec 2008, 3:01 am, edited 2 times in total.

What an interesting poll and thread. I will think about this. Thank you.

It hasn't paid off at all, for me. I've not had a friend for more than ten years or something. Spent years trying to make progress socially, but it didn't work out. I don't bother anymore, because it just makes me very vengeful, angry and bitter towards everyone else. And there's enough of that in me already, without adding to it. I'm working on accepting solitude at the moment. If I can do that, then life will be much better for me and I'll probably be happier.

How successful have your efforts to fit in been?

Very successful, but such success has come at a great cost......the cost being depression.

I have always been painfully gifted at fitting in, hence I chose the tittle 'A Painful Gift' for my autobiography which explores the 'fitting in' thing in great depth.

Actually, I gave up. There was a time I thought I couldn't. I needed too much. I would go out and try to be friendly, say odd things, talk about myself almost every time I spoke, and people were alienated. And though I was at fault, strictly speaking, I was hurt and swore I'd keep my mouth shut next time. And next time I'd do it again. I wanted to impress with my good qualities, to hear the praise of others, to feel valued so much that I threw what I had at the world, and the world brushed it away, offended. I outgrew the idea that I would be liked if only I had a fresh start, away from everyone who knew me as the local weirdo. I found that I would give that impression anywhere I went.

I worked at it and tried to learn to be civil, just civil, to overcome my tendency toward self-centered speech and rude, too-truthful remarks. I found that speaking of myself was safer because no one would be offended if I inadvertently insulted the subject. I knew full well that what people prefer is for someone to take an interest in them. But I was self-centered, far too much, and did not have much of an interest in others. Still, I was continually being wounded by my own words, saying things wrong or saying the wrong things, berating myself for the mistakes even after I grew up and got married and had no one mocking or teasing or chiding me for my words. I had learned from all those people to mock and chide myself.

At last it came to a point where a direction had to be decided. I could no longer bear to enter the public world and speak as myself and reap the reward. I was weary of hearing myself babble, sick of the odd looks, the exchanged glances, the self-righteous too subtle reproaches. I had a genuine desire to simply be regarded as safe and pleasant but it was not my only desire. I still wanted to taken at my own worth.

To fit in with the world was to be another person. I could not reconcile the demands of public acceptance with the fact that those demands represented a person almost the opposite of my true self. In short, to be accepted I would not only have to curb my natural responses but substitute unnatural ones. And that was where I balked. The dull, insipid, conversation by rote was either to dull or too incomprehensible. I don't know which. I only know that I could not bear the idea of attempting it, I could not see myself succeeding at it. Why say the same old things? Why so many assumptions, guesses, repetitions, all in order to converse, and all that breath wasted and you haven't even said one word that another person hasn't said twenty times that day.

Those people who seemed to like me for myself began to irritate me. If most people find me annoying, and these people like me, there must be a reason, right? Well, more and more the reasons I saw bore their own insult. There were the people who felt sorry for me, the people who liked everyone, and worst, the people who approach with a big grin and wait for me to say something funny because I'm such a character.

So I found, little by little, that my old determination gradually came to be achieved. I finally grew up enough to save my words. I used to try uncomfortably to make eye contact and I found one day that I almost never made it, could hardly stand it. It had always been a struggle but I kept feeling as thought the faces stayed with me for hours and days even. It was as if I was a blank paper and every human face and voice imprinted upon me and then copied itself for hours. I tossed aside my former attempts to prove I could be polite in favor of just not caring who I ticked off with my abrupt manner. I stopped trying. I don't recommend it.

It never worked, but maybe I was doing it wrong. I had some theories, but I resented having to give myself up to please others, even assuming it would have worked.

i have had to work my guts out to reach a level that others effortlessly breeze to, as if wafting on the frigging wind. That has been the worst part of things for me. just the effort....it gets so tiring sometimes and the depression sets in.

It is an interesting thread. I thin that for me 2 things are what I need to learn:

1) How to get myself more comfortable and reduce stress and sensory discomfort. Not so easy... This is because I find if I am stressed or overwhelmed I make my worst social mistakes.

2) Trying to learn and more importantly remember how to get along with NTs and how not to offend them and get in fights with them.

3) How to still be myself more or less while I am trying to juggle all this.

Some of my efforts have been really rewarding, but sometimes I'm left even more dissapointed. I don't want to go into details because they are embarrassing and show my naivete, but I've put so much effort in to be social and I've later regretted it, because people just take advantage of me.

Can do for short periods but the energy required is too much to justify any potential gains, therefore stopped trying = more contented. Nice, concise Aspie answer

I feel that fitting in with mainstream society is overrated. I do have a handful of friends, however.

yeah great topic
i picked the answer that i though most people would pick.
it seems we dont give up trying, though we still come back here to complain when it apparently fails.

so here we wait for the magic cure, when no longer we will suffer.
until then, heres to fruitful efforts, or at least minimal pain!