Why would some people be ashmed to have an Aut spectrum baby

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why? I don't get it. I really don't. You should love your child for who it is, differences and all. I'm so angry that there are people out there who would choose to abort their baby if they knew it would turn out to be on the Autism Spectrum.

If I have children, they most likely will have Aspergers, as I am an Aspie, the would be father is an Aspie, and my father is an Aspie, and I'd be thrilled.

why can't people just accept the differences in their children, and love them just the same as if they were completely up to societies standards of "normal"??

I think in most cases it's less about shame and more about the fear of having a severely autistic child with profound difficulties. Many people are not even aware that there is such a thing as 'high functioning' autism and would probably be picturing an inconsolable screaming rocking child who never learns to talk and needs 24 hour care to dress them, feed them, cloth them etc. This is a frightening and heart breaking thought for would-be parents, I'm sure, even though I personally believe that all but the most vegatitive of 'special needs' children are able to reciprocate love at some level and that they can have a solid quality of life.

It makes me angry too. Not just if they choose to abort some one with autism but down syndrome too.
I would never abort a baby if was found to be autistic or have down syndrome.

the basis of success for many people are based on NT norme: have a good career, wealth, social life, etc. When people think autism they think all those milestones will be lost so in their mind it makes an "wasted existance" (for lack of a better word). In this level they do not take into consideration that while they may have different milestones their life will be on par with the up and downs of everyone else.

I agree; I find it inconceivable in general how people can be disappointed with their own child. Being disappointed with a child who goes on to - with full awareness of what they're doing - embark on a life of violent crime I could understand. But disappointed simply because the child is a little different, doesn't see the world in quite the same way, has different likes and dislikes and different problems (and abilities) than the 'norm'? Appalling.

There are also otherwise NT people who report their parents all but disowning them simply because they chose to lead a different lifestyle than had been 'pre-decided' for them. Parents who were furious when the child didn't take up the career they wanted for them. Parents who never spoke to the child again because they grew up to be gay. I ask myself, did these people really want a child at all, or did they simply want a status symbol, something they could use to brag to their friends about? How brilliant little John/Jane is, and therefore how brilliant they must be for producing them?

Gosh, you people are so cynical! Do you really believe that the choices are made mostly to do with the impact on their careers etc? wasted existance?

Clearly some of you have never actually witnessed the struggle a parent goes through when they find out they will be giving birth to what could be a profoundly disabled child.

Can I cope with the demands? Emotionally? Financially? Will my partner and I ever have any time alone with each other? Will we have to retire early to look after our adult child? Will we have to put our child in a home? Will be be good enough parents to handle the physical challenges? Can we give this child the life he/she deserves if we allow it to be born? Will the guilt destroy us if we can't? Will our other children get the attention they need while we are caring for our disabled child? Will the siblings suffer emotionally or end up with carer responsibilities on their shoulders far too early? As a single parent, or a parent with other problems in my life, can I handle this? Should I have the child and then have it adopted? Would that be too painful?

Along with all the ethical dilemmas about when the baby is a human with rights etc etc...

Being angry at parents in that situation who opt for abortion (often partly because they're not told all the facts about their unborn child's chance for a good life) solves nothing. This would be the same case if screening for autism was available.

I can't imagine being ashamed of having a child on the spectrum. Interesting, but most people I know ususually have this response when one mentions autism, "..., that can cause them to have photographic memories and have extreme talents..." I know that may be stereotyping, but most people where I live usually respond with that. Maybe it is because they have seen Rain Man...I don't know. I mean, I doubt anyone I know has heard of Temple Grandin. Before I was diagnosed with AS, I personally had this vision of autism (because I used to not realize the extent of the spectrum) "I viewed it as causing a person to not be able to socialize, and that most had some incredible talent." Now, I have read...read...and read about autism and Asperger's. Those incredible talents can exist, but it most likely can relate to the intense interests most of us have.

Years before I was diagnosed, I remember taking my son to an emergency room in Columbus, Ohio when he was sick. In a room across from ours, I saw this young boy rocking back and forth in his father's arms (I assume it was his father). The child's loud voice was of one volume, and the words he tried to speak were not distinguishable. My wife looked at me and said, "I think that child over there in that room has autism." More than likely, he was autistic. I have often wondered how that child, who would now be a teenager, is doing. As our studies have shown, it is quite possible to move up the spectrum toward the high functioning end with enough effort and support. Anyone having an autistic child, no matter how severe the autism is, should take great pride in the child and make every effort to support the child throughout life. I have very strong feelings about this.

disabled is a very subjective term. Low functioning Autism while carrying the distinction of not being able to correctly interface with the world still has options available and quite frankly you'll more often hear grieving parents say "I'll never see them graduate from school, get married, have friends, etc." These are all based on the norms for most "normal" people and while you may be saying the comments are misdirected grief it is just a fact.

Before I was officially diagnosed I had a friend with Asperger's syndrome in high school and one night when my friend was sleeping his mom consulted in me her fears. She said how he won't ever have a traditional love life, social life, how he would not graduate college. I told her basically that there was nothing wrong with him and he could complete college its just he'd have to devote himself to it. She said no he was not capable of it referencing his Asperger's she was distraught because she felt he wouldn't achieve what she perceived as important milestones.

The parents who are upset about an AS baby are the ones who are very attached to their social feelings. They want to feel accepted, and they want to compete with others. They want their child to be a perfect baby who will grow up to make them look good. It's all about ego -- ego of the parents and their self-image and social insecurity.

When the parents are given a choice whether they would trade their kid for another one, they would not. The baby itself is everything to them, and the child is everything to them. It's just that they want the child to be better.

These are probably the same parents who would be unhappy with the kid for some reason anyways, it's their thing. Some parents always guilt their kids, some parents always push their kids, some parents always discipline their kids... some parents their kids are never good enough. It's their own personal game, not caused by the kid.

Whenever the kid has a legitimate disability, often those things that are the parent's game just get worse or change a little. Like the kind of parents where the kid is never good enough, they have REALLY a lot to talk about if the kid has a real disability. But that initial mindset, where the kid has to be this or that for the parent to be happy, is something that is a personal issue of the parent.

Everybody has personality problems, and get into games that are due to insecurity and ego. Even parents who love their kids and wouldn't trade them for any other kid.

The same thing goes for me, as well. I'd love any child that I'd carry. I'd never abort a baby for any reason, especially if they were ASD or DS.

Like the spoilt rich yuppies in the Autism Every Day videos.

I think this situation with your friend sums it up. His mother being worried that he wouldn't be able to complete his education could be agreed as a logical concern, but having a 'traditional' love life/social life? Those are things that are important to her, as an NT, not necessarily to him.

People have an idea of the perfect child and some people are really disappointed when their child doesn't fit that bill.

Well du-yeah. A kid just like you. It's going to be pretty hard to wrap your head around what "differences" mean in that case.

Following up what Abangyarudo said. They see the problems, they worry about things that they might not understand, they worry about things that they have some understanding of (social ostersization for being "different"). Some of this concerns being accurately founded, others not so much. Then there can be the unspoken fear, that they screwed up. This is their fault some how. They'd failed parenthood in a big way. The sum of this guilt and/or fear can be so overwhelming that they go into denial that there is anything wrong, or that the kid just needs to get his crap together. That it's the kids fault, he's just doing things right. Or irrational lashing out about this being someone else's fault, there's gotta be blame and it's gotta be someone else because they just couldn't handle it being their own (examples of this to be found in the vaccination=autism crowd)

Yup, a big old metal mess. *shrug* But surely you can understand being upset about something not happening the way you have expected it to happen? Parenthood is something that pretty natural to build up preconceptions of. EDIT: If the parent happens to have similar tendencies without understanding, because from what I've seen it's not like autism is popping out of thin air , that's going to be a pretty horrific crash.

Last edited by DwightF on 17 Dec 2008, 9:57 am, edited 1 time in total.

I am going to be the devil's advocate for a moment. NOW I am NOT saying that it's right to expect to have the perfect child because there is no such thing. But these parents are firstly, still ignorant as far as what autism really is. Thats for one, they need to learn (like everyone does) and become educated. Many still have no idea how wide the spectrum is. Secondly, it's a frightening thought for any parent of having a child that may never become independent.. and that may need 24/7 care, and frequently fear "who will care for my child when I am too old to care for him or her, or what will happen after I am gone?" Those are valid concerns.

Myself, as a parent with an autistic child, worries more about his happiness than anything else. I would love for him to have a wife, children and a great job, but that is only if he wants that. If he ends up with no family and no friends, but is truely happy that way then that is what I want for him. If he ends up with me forever then that's fine too. But I do worry about him, a lot. That is why I am here.

I however am fortunate to have enough money and support to give him what he needs and he is doing well. I don't care about my lifestyle, just that I have the money to give him every opportunity and I work 2 jobs to provide him those. I know a lot of people who do care more about their lifestyle and that is really a shame. I believe that if you bring a person into the world, you are responsible to make sure that person has everything they need, and they come first before anything else.

That said, I can also understand why people would panic having a disabled child for all of the reasons that have been said. It is VERY expensive, and people don't always have resources, or they aren't educated, or their only example of autism is rainman (which is really tragic) and that scares them, they may not feel equipped or capable, or are already overwhelmed with other children or life situations that have nothing to do with ego. I would never abort my child with a disability because I can see value in everyone. This is why awareness is so very important.